My boyfriend is not meeting my expectations
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for two years now. We have been friends for a long time before that. Recently, he has not been spending as much time with me as I want him to. Because of this, we previously had a minor breakup in January, but then got back together again. I love him and he's absolutely in love with me, and after our mini breakup he changed his ways and gave me the time I needed but then again he started going back to his old ways. He has a habit of smoking and drinking with his guy friends very frequently. I wouldn't mind it if it didn't affect our relationship, but now he's not giving me enough time. He would disappear the entire day and not call or text. He does always text me when it's night but I can't help but feel lonely through the entire day. And most of these times, he's with his friends hanging out. He has a bad problem of not checking his phone (even when he's with me). He tells me constantly that he loves me, and I do believe him, but somehow he's not living up to my expectations.
We had two short term breakups over the couple years but always got back together. I do not want to break up because I'm sure one of us would reach out and we would be back again and the same thing will continue. I cannot help but feel like I'm asking him for the bare minimum but it seems he cannot help himself. He says he forgets to check his phone when he's with people (includes me too). Yesterday he told me that because he's been with his friends for his whole life, he will always put them above me, and it doesn't matter if I was any other girl. He would never be able to put his relationship over his friendships. I felt terribly hurt but he tried to tell me that it didn't mean that he didn't love me.
I'm totally at a standstill. If I breakup (I know many will tell me to), I will end up a mess and I'm so scared of being alone. It's not even about being strong because I've tried and it's just the way I am. I really want to save this relationship and I know he loves me, maybe even more than I love him. But I'm clueless. Please be as honest as possible. Thank you.
I hope you see these red flags.
He has told you that his friends come first but in reality it’s the drinking and the smoking that comes first. He will always find friends to do these activities with.
I caution you about this because this is what happened to me in my first marriage. I always blamed his one best friend but when his one best friend got sober and moved away my husband continued his drinking, but with other “best friends..”
You will not fall apart if you to break up if you care enough about yourself and expect only the very best for yourself.
If I was in this situation I would first decide if I really love him and want to be with him forever, because if I am with him just because I don’t want to be alone I would be in a lot of trouble. I would be relying on my relationship to make me happy when I should be filling my life up with what matters to me and then enjoying the support and comfort of a partner.
Just knowing that my love loves me is enough to fill me up forever.
In your situation I would want my boyfriend to expand his horizons and not limit himself to just drinking and smoking with his friends. Maybe you can suggest that each of them take turns taking the group on a new experience. In the time that a group spends at a bar they could rock climb together, golf, mini golf, take a cooking course, hike, learn a skill, learn to scuba, write a screenplay, write a book, … there are countless creative possibilities. Can you imagine how this could change their lives?!!
Brotherhood is very important. Think about it. Sometimes its hard to see the truth when we are feeling emotional about one aspect. You have gather truth so that you can believe the truth…. That having good friends is a blessing.
I would also have one or two nights a month where girlfriends and boyfriends come over to my house. The girls can have a ‘magazine club’ like book club in the kitchen/living room area while the boys can hang out in the den and back yard bbqing and playing games etc.
It is REALLY important to me that my boyfriend is spending time with me because that is what he wants to do, not because he feels he has to. This means I have to keep myself extra cute if I want random kisses and cuddles!! It means that I have to be respectful at all times. Everyone wants a teddy bear for a partner, everyone also wants a partner that is secure and believes in themselves. So that means I have to have my own life that makes me happy.
Give it some thought and gather them. WHAT DO MEN WANT?
Another question to ask yourself is WHAT DO I BELIEVE IN? WHAT FILLS MY LIFE? (outside of my relationship) These are the things you want to grow, spend your time on. Your boyfriend is not your world, he supports your world. If you don’t have your own world then what is there to believe in?
Think of yourself as a park. Why does he go there, what attracts him? What keeps him coming back?
You should be having fun with or without him.