Need some advice
I'm a girl whos never been in a relationship before, getting to know another girl I met online. We don't have a relationship, but we're on the process of knowing each other before defining what we have. She's told me she had some drawbacks with past distance relationships and didn't seem sure to try at first, but thought I seemed like a good person and asked me to let things flow and go slow. We talk every day, and she's been a great person. Gets along with her friends (which I also know), has heard me sometimes I needed advice and we also share some hobbies (though not much).
I know from her friends (and her telling me) that she ain't that great on 1-on-1 chatting, more of a social media poster or group chatter. I seem to be the only person she talks so much on a daily basis. I told her to take her time, no pressure when responding to me. The problem is... I feel like I'm the one making an effort to talk.
I'm always the one to start conversations, and always say goodnight even if we didn't talk at all on the day. But if I didn't, she wouldn't do it either. And then my anxiety would skyrocket, thinking if I should have said anything.
She also responds first to group chats, or post in social media and takes a while to respond to me. I think the only times I haven't seen this happen it's if she's on a great mood, or doesn't have anything else to do at the time. I thought this didn't bother me so much, until she didn't respond at all till I talked to her about other thing. And didn't say sorry either, or explained.
Maybe it doesn't bother her, but it sure does bother me. I've been feeling pretty down lately because of this. When I see her asking other people things she could ask me, or tell me about, I feel horrible. She used to flirt with me a lot before, now it doesn't happen at all. I don't want to force her to change, but I walso want to feel validated. I feel like any other friend could support her like I do, without feeling down. Maybe I feel down because I feel like I deserve better treatment.
I know I should talk these things out, she seems to think I'm fine with our thing. I haven't stated otherwise in 2 months. If she ever notices I'm feeling down, I tell her it's worklife or any other stuff I can come up with. But it's difficult for me to speak up to other people when they bother me, imagine with a person I like. Still, I'm tired of acting. I'm only building up my frustration at her, and she doesn't deserve that as much as I don't deserve feeling extra.
So yeah, how should I speak to her? And if things don't change, should I break things before they even start, or try being more patient? Maybe I'm the one being overly dramatic, I dunno.
The fact that you need to feel validated tells you how you view the 'relationship' and the expectations of it. She has already set the tone by stating she wanted to go slow to get to know you. Your efforts aren't being returned as you would expect them to be, and whether her actions and conversations with others are her just being her, or there's other things in play remains to be seen.
You need to speak to her about it and let her know about the emotions that your experiencing. The fact that she notices the mood at times, gives you the opportunity to tell her how you feel. Online is all that much harder without meeting face to face, but you guys are on two different levels at the moment, and the easiest way to sort it is to conversate about it regardless of what the outcome is.
Developing an online relationship isn’t for everyone. It takes a lot of energy and effort to keep this up because human beings really need to have one on one relationships in person, live, touching, and interacting.
This person sounds like she really doesn’t want to put effort into something long distance.
I really suggest that you move on and try to find someone more like minded to you and your needs. It’s causing you anxiety and unhappiness so why stay, why try to develop it into something it can’t be. She’s just not into all of this.
A long distance online relationship has plenty of trials and a low likelihood of success to begin with. Just enjoy what you do have for now and try to get to know each other better. Appreciate it for what it is, don't look for imperfections as it is a type of relationship that will be riddled with complications. Use it to refine your relationship skills.
The definition of BELIEVE really started to become important to me a few years ago. We see phrases like, ‘Anything can happen as long as you believe’, ‘Believe’, ‘Believe in yourself’, ‘Believe in me’. Subsequently it was at the time that Justin Bieber came out with his CD, BELIEVE. That was in 2012.
It took a lot of different pieces of puzzle from different scenes and songs reflections of life, a lot of different perspectives, a lot of different connections to the idea, a lot of different views into my own experience, and a lot of different questions that I took the time to answer to build understandings.
It is only this year that I feel that I have grasped the true meaning and realization of what it means, which means that I can apply it. Let me give you an example of a mind that doesn’t believe in themself and a mind that does believe in themself.
You wake up to your mom yelling at you to get ready for school, you drag yourself out of bed and think, moms yelling, she is upset, I have to hurry I have to hurry I am late.
- In this situation you are forced to believe in your mother as she has taken over your senses with her yelling instilling fear in you. You have lost your balance. You are not centered in your world, or on your path that is full of what is important to you.
You wake up, you look at the clock and you start thinking about the steps that you need to take in your day. You consider what you are going to say to your friend on your way to school today. You think about the presentation that you have to make in class. You consider what you are going to put in your lunch…
- You are free to build your path and the details of your path in all of the many wonderful ways that you can design your life. You have control.
My point is that you need to believe in yourself and focus your thoughts and energy on YOUR EXPERIENCE, YOUR THOUGHTS, YOUR ACTIONS… so that you can build yourself and your life the way you want to.
When an Olympic athlete says that you just have to believe in your dreams what they mean is that you have to focus on all of the details of what it takes to make your dreams come true. It isn’t enough to say ‘I want to be a gymnast, I believe I believe I believe.’ To believe in yourself you have to say, I am going to wake up at 5 am and go for a run, then I am going to do these routines, and eat these foods. I am going to read these books and create notebooks and posters that help me connect to the facts and ideas that are going to build my mind to achieve what I want to achieve.
Love is meant to support the life that we have built for ourselves, not fill it. You should be busy organizing your life, dreaming, planning, doing on repeat experiencing and building all that you can.
When your life is full, you will attract people that want to be part of your life because you radiate all of the wonder that you are full of because you are living your life.
What matters most to you in this world? Is it the environment? Do you have skills in child care? Do you dream of inventing scientific break throughs? Do you want to help the homeless? Do you believe in the United Nations? There are so many different possibilities and you are not limited to just one. What do you want to build your mind and your life to be able to do?
Have you heard Beyonce’s I WAS HERE song? I often think of myself as an old woman on my death bed listing to this song…. I want to be able to believe that I truly made a difference in the world. In my early 40’s I am more equipped to make a difference because I have built my mind and my life to flow with truth and the skills I need to pursue my dreams.
What are your dreams?
When it comes to love, I look for respect and care. Then I wait to see if it is genuine before I let my imagination carry me into his arms.
If it is genuine and I respect him for who he is, care for him and can imagine myself taking care of him through old age...
Then I allow myself to dream as I share experiences with him that make life enjoyable.
I like the simple life. I like doing every day activities like cooking, connecting to art, gardening, dancing at home, hiking, projects, .... so I want to do these same things with him.
Relationships are for HEALING. Body mind and soul.
If we can inspire peace in one another we are a good match.
I have almost always had a crush in life, and it has lifted me. But I have actually never had a boyfriend. Does that mean that I should change what I believe in, or that I should continue to wait for someone that shares the same values.
Having lost myself and unable to believe in myself in the past..... there is nothing more valuable to me than BEING MYSELF and BELIEVING MYSELF.
Its all the company we ever really have.... ourself.