Partners undecided on relationship
My partner and I have been in a relationship for a year and a half with the last year being long distance because he had moved to be closer to his 2 children whom he has since gotten custody of. 9 months ago we decided to move in together but were waiting for my children to finish school for the year so their education wasn't disrupted. We took turns traveling to see each other every month. A month ago he came to see me but he seemed distant and stressed. When he went home he didn't talk to me for a couple days then called me on the 3rd day and said he was worried, scared and depressed because he couldn't find a house to rent big enough for all of us and he didn't want us to spend thousands traveling anymore. I decided to give him space and we had no communication for 2 weeks. I then messaged him and asked if I could call. We talked for half a hour but neither of us mentioned out relationship and chatted like friends. The following day I messaged him and said I didn't want to throw away our relationship and asked him if he wanted to work things out, if not that's fine but I will need to organize getting my belongings back. He responded the next day with he wasnt ignoring me but he was lost for words so I offered him space and called him four days later. He didn't answer but did call me back later that night where we talked about the relationship. He told me he didn't feel like we knew each other well enough to move in together because he would be devastated if it didn't work out due to me having moved so far. He also said he doesn't know if he could go from being in a family of 3 ( him and his kids) to a family or 7 ( adding me and my 3 children). We agreed that I could rent my own place there so we could get to know each other better before we moved in together and we would still have our own space. I was feeling good about this but then he said he would get a quote to send my belongings back at the end of the call. Confused I asked him if our relationship was over. He said no but he was undecided . I'm so confused I don't know if he has broken up with me or not. I haven't received a quote to ship my stuff back yet ,and we haven't called or messaged. its been 5 days. I guess my question is do I treat this as we have broken up?
Yes you need more time to get to know each other, just you and him.
Both of you have immense baggage with you, I don’t mean negatively, but all those children must be factored in. He is just adapting to having full custody of his own children.
If you look at your timeline you really haven’t spent that much time together. I don’t know if he wants to break up but he certainly is not ready to make any decisions about moving in with you. He seems overwhelmed with all of his responsibilities right now and is hesitant to take on any more responsibilities.
If you are looking for that kind of relationship maybe this guy isn’t that for you. Take the initiative and make your own arrangements to get your things back.
Sorry but the hand writing is on the wall about this. Maybe you could reset the whole situation and just start dating, just you and him. You haven’t really even had a chance to see what kind of a full-time father he would be anyway.
It is hard for a man to come to a woman with problems. He was probably looking for help with the housing situation, so he came to you and you ignored him for 2 weeks. He put himself out there and when you backed off he probably saw it as a sign that you weren't there for him.
Thank you AKA , I hadn't thought of it from this perspective and that was definitely not what I was trying to do. I apologised and he said I had nothing to be sorry for and if it was help or support he was looking for he would've asked for it.
SUSIEDDQ thank you for your advice. Even though we agreed I would look for my own place do you think I should look now or wait until he has actually decided if he wants a relationship? I'm hesitant because its a full days drive away from where I currently live
Take care of yourself and your own children’s needs right now.
If this man wants a relationship he will come to you. But just make it a you/ him type of relationship and get to know each other better. Then bring the children into the relationship.
Then and only then start talking about actually living together. He is far away from thinking about joining households right now.