Just need some help
TRYINGTOMAKEIT - Dec 12 2020 at 03:51
Ok, so from the beginning. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year, it has been a rough year. In the beginning of our relationship, I was also flirting with a couple of other people and went to hang out with one of them. Nothing happened. There were many things I hid from my partner for the first 5 months we were together until he caught me in one lie and then we have been going ever since. I lied to him about one of my friends I had slept with (before him and I were together). Once he found out, I owned up to it but he proceeded to ask me about the specific situations of the sexual acts and I didn't want to hurt him anymore than I felt I already had so I kept lying about them or not giving specific details that he wanted. After a lot of interrogation on his part, I owned up to flirting with the other guys and going to see the one.
He wanted specific details of the texts I had sent them which had long since been erased and because I could not remember them, he had threatened to hack into my phone or their phones in order to find the messages. I did the best I could with remembering what was said but I admitted I cant remember every single text. Which is not a good enough answer for him. I have lied to him a lot about a lot of things.
But I have, since then, been working on being honest. It's not something I have ever really had to do before due to my upbringing, childhood trauma, and previous relationships. I never cared about anyone enough to be completely honest with them. I was taught to stuff my feelings down and not talk about them. I am working on being honest with him, and he still asks me about the specific details of the texts as well as constantly bringing up how shitty my choice in men was. He says I am getting better, and I know I am, but if I don't have anything else to tell him, or to add to what I have told him so far, he tells me I am wrong and that I do have things to tell him still and I just can't tell him yet when it should be so easy. So I am at a loss on where to go from here. Any words of advice?
So I guess you learned a life lesson there, lying is never ok. Even it makes us feeling vulnerable at that moment in time and we don't feel confident to tell the truth just do it. It always begins with a single lie and then it's a roller coaster after that.
I don't think this threats, annoyance and jealousy from his part are ok. They are absolutely and utterly non acceptable. Yes you did wrong, but you admitted it. And this situation like treating to hack your phone over something that dwells on the past is just absurd.
You probably won't feel ok with my suggestion, but it is to have a talk. Like the talk. Get together and tell him the truth and how you feel about his actions. Tell him that your sorry about lying. It will be harsh and I understand that you like this person but if you don't do it, it can create a snowball effect bigger than this.
Probably you will feel like crap after talking to him but trust me it will be like you get a weight out of your shoulders.