Is her reaction justified?
Last week me (24f) and my boyfriend (24m) got engaged. We don't currently live together but he has been 'bubbled' with me and my parents (I live at home with them).
On the proposal day he took me for a walk, we did some Christmas shopping and went to a place we hung out when we were kids. We got food to take home and once we'd eaten he popped the question. It was a total surprise and absolutely perfect.
I told my parents as we were at home with them and then we sent a photo of me and him holding hands with my ring to his mum saying we had a surprise. I told her about what had happened and she congratulated us.
I already had plans to see her the next day (my bf couldn't come as was at work) so was going to show her the ring in person then. I show up to hers and show her the ring she says 'congrats' and then tells me how 'f****ing angry' and 'absolutely furious' her and boyfriends dad are that we didn't phone them to tell them and that we sent the photo message instead.
She is raging telling me how my boyfriend has done it all wrong and how selfish he is, she goes on saying how he doesn't care about them and no one has thought about them. She cried and I cried and I apologised copiously. We spent some time together and then his dad came home and refused to speak to me all together.
I went home and cried all the way back, my boyfriend was angry with her and said he felt like nothing he does is right for her. He didn't call her cause we thought it would make things worse cause she wanted him to apologise.
So the next day once I'd cooled off I sent her a message saying that I was really upset by her reaction and that we hadn't intended to hurt her feelings and I said I was sorry how upset we had made her. She said that she felt like I was making her out to be the bad guy and said that we didn't consider her feelings.
Now she has blocked me and boyfriend on social media. This is a woman who has literally been like a second mum to me we are so close and have both been really supportive to each other. I am gutted that this has been her reaction. Do you think this is justified? What should I do?
Wow okay first of all CONGRARTULATIONS! Very happy for you, and this is so exciting! I'm so sorry someone chose to ruin the moment. I think it's pretty obvious that this woman has a lot of serious issues, and none of them have anything to do with you. Neither you nor your fiance did anything wrong. Does she have a right to be upset that she wasn't told in the way she wanted? Even that sounds pretty juvenile and petty to me. But even if that were a reasonable response, the way she "communicated" her feelings and is continuing to bully you both is absolutely not okay.
My sense is that these kind of irrational blow-ups aren't out of the ordinary for her. Your fiance seems pretty unfazed and not surprised by her behavior, so I assume it's an ongoing thing. All you can do is set healthy boundaries and stick to them. Together. If you don't, buckle up. Because you'll spend your entire marriage trying to avoid these blowups every time she feels slighted in any way, whether it's justified or not. You've tried to apologize and she immediately escalated it instead. She obviously has zero interest in resolution.
There's not much you can do in that situation except try to minimize the long-term damage to the relationship. And with someone that chooses to escalate instead of resolve, the best you can do is avoid contact of any kind. She's already initiated no contact so just don't try to change her mind. I'm sorry that you're hurt, and rightfully so. I don't understand how she could treat you this way either. Just know it has nothing to do with you. Try to be patient and keep any necessary communication civil but as minimal as possible. And hope that she comes to her senses and behaves like an adult.
Again, congratulations and I wish you all the best on the day, and everafter! <3
The relationship between mother and son can be.....powerful. And in that power there is irrationality.
Males and females energy connect and flow together like 2 fish in a yin yang. It isn't a matter of good and evil but there is an exchange of energy that they generate and feed on. Most importantly there is protection from outside forces of energy.
After 24 years of him being hers.... she knows she is losing that source of energy in her life because it will be given to you.
I think it is best not to let this argument grow any further, you don't want their irrationality to grow.
Pretend like it didn't happen and move forward.
Maybe encourage your fiance to spend some time with her so that she knows that she is still an important part of his life, both of your lives.
Then carry on your lives as you usually do. Maybe you could start new traditions like Sunday family brunches, Summer garden parties etc.
You have a world to create for yourself and your fiance.... make it a dream, and make it a dream for your loved ones.
Boy, is this situation resonating with me!!
My nephew who I raise since age 8, and is now 30, got married in Aug. Only he didn’t tell me at all. I had to find out from another relative that he was going out west for an elopement. I was really hurt that he didn’t at least call me up and tell me that he was going to do this. I explained to him that usually the parents get the news, then step back and let the events fold out whether they elope or plan to have a big wedding. What hurt me with the most was that her mother went to the wedding out west as a witness. So that really did keep me out of the loop. Then he lied and told her that he tried to call me “several times” to let me know what was going on. Back-and-forth conversations morphed into an argument so I just signed off with a “best wishes.” I haven’t really talk to him since August. They live about three hours away from me.
. I have been very hurt, which turned into anger about this. Then this month I happened to do some reading and realize that I can heal my own anger with forgiveness Dash forgiveness of myself as well as in others. I sent them a Christmas card with an ornament for their first Christmas together and will hope that that will start a dialogue with him at least.
So my take on your situation is that this young man should have told his mother what his intentions were before he proposed to you. She may have felt she got blindsided by the news and that she was not important enough to him to be included in this very major announcement that would affect his life from then on. That may be a very outdated viewpoint on things ( informing parents, asking for the hand of someone’s daughter) but it’s something you will not understand until you have your own children.
So have some compassion for her and try to understand. There is time for make up and apologizing he can do for him not knowing how to handle this with his own mother. He should extend an olive branch to her and apologize for his not knowing, which came off as trying to lock her out of this major event.
I hope and pray for healing for all of you during this holiday season. Life is so short!