Am I out of love or just patience?
ANXIOUSORNOT - Dec 18 2020 at 00:05
My boyfriend has a habit of sometimes telling me what to do. Example is I’ll start to drink diet ice tea and he’ll say do you know how many chemicals are in that drink and I’ll say yea but I don’t drink too much and he’ll say don’t drink it because it’s really bad for you look at the ingredients. Another recent time as I was getting in the bed he asked did you brush your teeth and wash your face? He’s done this before and I responded that I have an account not be concerned about that. However he still does it on occasion. It’s this kind of behavior that drives me nuts. I do care for him and he is very very affectionate and loving but I’m not sure I can deal with this type of behavior even if it only happens once a day or every other day. Because of this I’ve not been feeling as good with him and frankly not sure I even want to be with him to deal with the next “directive”. Has anyone felt like this? Does it mean I don’t love him anymore?
There seem to be one of three things happening here:
1) You've already talked to him about this and he continues to do it anyway. If he knows it makes you feel badly and doesn't even try to stifle it you may need to ask yourself just how badly it bothers you. You're building resentment toward him and he needs to know. Talk to him again and make he understands it bothers you enough to consider moving on. If he knows that and is still doing it, it points to more serious issues than whatever he is nagging you about.
2) You haven't talked to him and think he should just "know" it bothers you. That would be unfair and point to issues of your own.
3) You don't love him enough to overlook something that seems pretty minor in the scheme of things. He believes he's looking out for your best interests, even if he's a little annoying about it. As far as relationships go, this does not seem like it would be enough to shift your feelings in a fundamental way. So that implies you don't really love him as much as you thought you did.
Regardless which of these applies, the fair thing to do is talk to him and either find common ground or move on.
Have you talked to him about this? Or have you just let it fester inside you and he has no idea?
My cat passed away 2 weeks ago. The weekend afterward, I was ready to talk to my boyfriend and before I could he already critiqued the fact that I didn’t blow dry my hair all the way. That was enough to set me off. I told him everything that was on my mind including the fact that he was over controlling, over opinionated, and said things that hurt unnecessarily and didn’t need to be said in a matter what he says it. I gave him specific examples of all of this behavior and I was quite to the point raising my voice during much of the discussion since I felt so strongly and I was so angry. I also mentioned to him I did not appreciate the way he treated my late cat.
To my surprise, he mentioned that he did actually owned two cats sometime ago and what I said look I might just get a cat again and I don’t wanna hear anything from you he said of course I’ll support whatever decision you make. That was a surprise! I let him know that I wasn’t going to stand for any of this behavior and that if I wanted to have an opinion that I would ask for it and that otherwise he has to keep his mouth closed but any decisions I might make. He sort of apologized just saying look I’m just just trying to help or be of some assistance to you and I told him I don’t need any of his help and if I do need help I’ll let him know. He seemed to understand and be receptive and did not argue with me but we both ended up with tears. He was crying telling me how ill his adult daughter is right now and he hasn’t really told me all that was going on with her and he knows she may only have another 10 years or so with that condition (I feel really bad for his daughter although I know she’s getting proper medical care she had a stroke at 35 and is married with a few kids. His ex wife has been living with the daughter and takes care of them full time.). But really what does that have to do with what I was talking about? So he ended up crying about that and I was crying about the way he has hurt me. After all that he goes ahead and makes me a nice dinner and I really don’t know where to go from here. On the one hand I know he really does love me and he wants to be a good partner but on the other side I’m not really sure he has the capability to do so since he clearly has an issue with control. If nothing else. I did tell him I thought he was partly narcissistic and he still didn’t flinch when I told him that which makes me think that someone’s already told him that his prior relationships.
In any event I don’t know if I’m hoping for something that it’s just not realistic in terms of the check any change in his behavior and or sensitivity.
My boyfriend did show up this past weekend and I was just observing to see what he said and did after our talk from the prior weekend. To my surprise overall he was much easier to be around not being offensive with comments. I even had wet hair etc sort of to test him and he said nothing. The only incidents was him saying i shouldn’t be using a certain coffee creamer because of preservatives but I told him I was aware of that but want to use it anyway and a few times he said he wants to help get my son get his own cat and surprise him but I said that was definitely not right way to proceed since my son needs to see how he felt around the cat since he’s still grieving about losing our cat just 2 weeks ago. I had a repeat this a few times each time my bf kept saying come on let’s pick up a cat now and he finally stopped. There was 1 other statement when he mentioned I buy half of my adult sons groceries. While this may have some truth the reason is that my son has expensive meds to pay for and doesn’t earn much so I help sometimes. While I was tempted to say something to my bf I held back to see what else transpired. We met my son at golf and he helped a little. I actually golf instructed my son more and my bf kept on complimenting me on that as well as a few good hits I had. He also started questioning my loyalty by saying he wants me forever so when I didn’t say the same thing he asked what about you etc? He also talked about making us rings for when I’m ready to marry him. Overall I must admit I had a really nice weekend. He keeps saying he loves me and shows me a lot of affection. Could this be genuine and he just has has to be reminded about his behavior sometimes?
Not sure it changes anyone’s opinion there was something else my bf said to me last weekend that’s really bothering me and I’m ashamed to admit. Here it is... I got my cat cremated and so I have the urn and a paw print they took ( paw print is in a frame). I was saying to my bf I thought the place did a nice job in terms of sending everything to me and sending a hand written card. He says “I don’t want to upset you but most likely the cremains in the urn are not just your cats but also other cats too”. He went on to tell me when he had his dog cremated he didn’t see a metal piece that was in his body so he knew that wasn’t all of his dogs cremains. He also told me that the paw print is probably some generic thing they use even though I paid for my cats print. Wasn’t sure what to say other than this was a private cremation. Now when I look at these items I’m not sure what to think.
Seems the guy lacks a filter. He just says whatever pops into his head.
My advice would be to sit back and see how it progresses. It is nice to see that he is trying to change, but I personally would give it some time (at least a few months) to see if he can stick with it.