Need help making a life changing choice
Need Advice in a difficult choice
So I have a decision to make in the next couple of months. I have been in a common law marriage for 9 years. 8 of those nine years my husband was not nice (emotionally abusive) and didn’t give me and my kids what we needed. We have been financially unstable and moved constantly. He has also been arrested numerous times and now has 2 felony charges (drug related) on his record which makes getting a job and a place to live VERY difficult.
A few years ago after having our first daughter together (I have a teen son that he raised with me since my son was 3) I started having an affair with his cousin. His cousin also lived with us and has been involved in our lives since the day I got with my husband because they are more like brothers. His cousin (let’s call him Fred) and I have always had feelings for each other but he respected my boundaries and we never took it further then that. But after years of struggling and being put down by my husband I decided to start the affair because Fred was amazing with me and my children, plus it felt good to be loved like that. ( Also the sex is better then anything I have ever in had in my life). He took us out all the time and bought us things we never could afford with my husband. We have had so many memories and experiences as a family with him and have so much in common too. Fred even bought me a house! (We all lived in the house together)
I ended up pregnant again and it was Fred’s. After my daughter was born i broke up with my husband until I could figure things out. (We all still lived together each in separate bedrooms). After a few months I told my husband. He was obviously devastated and since we all lived together I had to make a choice fairly quickly. Even though I do not love my husband I decided to stay with him for the sake of the kids. He knows this and decided to completely change his ways.
It’s been about a year now since we all moved out and about 4 hours away. My husband has become the man I always wanted him to be! He’s kind, loving, attentive to the kids, better with money (although still not great by any means), and overall tries his best. We even tried marriage counseling. But I still do not love him and cringe when he tries to kiss me or wants to have sex with me. I have had sex with him in the past year more out of duty then anything but I don’t enjoy it. I just don’t love him. I appreciate him and all he does, but don’t love him.
Fred has been single and hopeful and waiting for me this entire time. He knows what we had was real. He is still in our old house and still wants to be with me and the kids and wants to get married. He wants to raise his daughter as his own and be with us forever. Same as my husband...
Our current lease is almost up and I want to move back closer to my friends and family. Due to my husbands felony record it will be almost impossible to find a decent home or job which will directly affect the kids...again.
I’m just tired of living like this. I’m over it all. I want me and the kids to have stability. I’m in my 30’s now. I want real love. I don’t always want to wonder what if.
Should I just end things with my husband and move me and the kids back in with Fred? I cannot financially afford to live on my own with the kids right now due to me recently being laid off. It will directly effect their family but Fred assured me that it will be ok and he is willing to bear the consequences for all of us to be together. But I’m scared to break the family apart and don’t want to hurt my husband again. He truly has tried so hard. My husband even threatened to kill himself when I broke up with him before so I’m scared he will kill himself because of me.
I don’t know what to do. Advice?
P.S. All of my closest friends and most of my family was team Fred when I was trying to make the initial decision a year ago. But now we have all seen the improvements my husband has made.
I would like to add that Fred and I did once live together alone with just my son when my husband and I were in our second year of relationship. My husband left me and moved to Maryland. Fred and I just decided to stay living together and shared all financial responsibilities. I eventually moved out when my husband and I got back together and then Fred moved in again 2 years later.
Wow. This is certainly a problem.
I have to be honest with you. This whole situation is bad. Neither of you 3 adults look good in any of this. This isn't going to be the advice you want, but I think you need to get gainful employment and go out on your own (plus kids) for a while.
There is no way to get a happily ever after with the 2 choices you presented.
If you go with the cousin, you will destroy that family and your husband. Your children will likely suffer because of all the drama. And that is assuming that there is no violence, which in a situation like this is very possible. I'm surprised there wasn't violence when the affair came out.
And if you stay with your husband, you won't be happy.
Also, something to think about. You said your husband has been making a great effort and has become the man you always wanted him to be. Are you putting in the same effort, or have you just given up and focused on your infatuation with cousin?