Feel so lost in this relationship
BLUEBIRD23 - Dec 26 2020 at 12:09
I’m sorry if this seems like a ramble but I feel like I need someone to talk to as I feel I can’t talk to anyone about this .
Me and my partner have been together for 2 years but was friends for well over a decade before we got together. Recently it has become very tough to live with him. Everything has to revolve around him and his emotional well-being but yet if my mental health is low, I’m not allowed to feel that way because he has it worse.
Christmas Day was bad for my emotions. I brought him a handful of gifts and each one had thought behind it. I was excited to see him happy and relaxed on Christmas but instead I was greeted with no emotion and a refusal of gifts telling me he don’t want it and return it. It was said with such coldness, no thank you’s or any appreciation in the slightest. Just a angry tone of voice and it felt like a big fuck you! Of course I got upset and excused myself from the room. He didn’t approach me and apologise or even try and talk to me and I didn’t want to bring it up as I had my sister and her children coming round. I held my emotions in for the sake of my family as I didn’t want it to become about myself and feelings. He rarely spoke to my family, disappeared upstairs, went out for a few hours, came back and didn’t say much but sat there looking miserable. I tried to encourage him to join in, involving him and so on but nothing. Everyone left and he sat there saying nothing and decided to go out. I carried on cleaning up as normal. He got back and fell asleep. I woke him up and asked him to come down and sit with me which he didn’t and fell back asleep. I came up later to go to sleep but couldn’t so watched some videos. He woke up hufffing, muttering under his breath and telling me that I made it extremely difficult for him because I didn’t ask him if he was enjoying the day cause he lost both of his parents (he lost one parent when he was a child and the other a few years ago before we got together) I was gobsmacked as I although I didn’t constantly ask “are you enjoying yourself?” I tried to make it comfortable for everyone. Helping to Cook, cleaning up. Engaged in conversation, played games etc I didn’t mind as that’s who I am as a person. I couldn’t sleep last night. My emotions were thrown and some people might say I’m overreacting but this sort of stuff happens every day and it’s wearing me down.
He gets in a bad mood and I come in from work and have to deal with the brunt of it (99% of the time I’m not the reason he’s in a bad mood I’m just a emotional punch bag). He doesn’t work but just sits in the room and blames it on mental health. I have to be up at 5am. Work. Come home. Cook for him. Clean up. Do the washing. Hoovering. Make my dinner and by the time I can sit down to relax it’s time for me to sleep and do it all over again all while he sits in the room. My emotions don’t feel valid right now and I can feel my depression slipping and the medication I’ve been put on to help isn’t working as it used too . I keep thinking of my younger self and how I didn’t expect my life to be like this where I feel like a servant and not part of a partnership.
I’m not sure who I can talk to because I don’t want to worry my family as they have been through enough this year and I don’t want to add to that. I’ve been secretly dealing with all this anger and verbal abuse from him for a while and he convinced me he would change and it’s because he’s suicidal. When it’s good. It’s good but it’s the bad I’m scared of. Tredding on eggshells. Not wanting to come home when he’s angry cause I can’t deal with his outbursts. His inconsiderate actions when I’m trying to sleep next to him and he’s shouting at a game.
I’m tired of being called selfish. Being told I always make it about myself and that I am inconsiderate when I don’t do something for him that he can do himself. I’m tired of being called every name under the sun and yet I still spend all my money on him (but can’t mention that I’m struggling with money as it makes him feel bad so I gotta shut up). I know you’re all saying “why don’t you leave him”. “Why are you still there?” It’s not that simple. I feel stuck. If I leave I’ll be the reason for him becoming homeless cause he has no where to go. I’ll be the selfish one. I’ll be the bad guy and I really really can’t deal with all the backlash right now. I’m in a dark place at the moment and I don’t think I’ve truly admitted to myself that I’m really not coping well and I need help.
I just need someone to listen to me and some support. I don’t know where to turn to anymore.
It’s clear that his moods are affecting you and how you feel. And from what you put, it’s sounds like you give a lot, you support him financially and emotionally but you're getting anything back at all.
Did he get you anything for Christmas? Yep I can see how his reaction to your presents felt like a big F*** off, most people would be upset or angry and insulted by that reaction.
His mood is probably down to the fact the he no longer has his parents around. Christmas, birthdays other days maybe a triggers. He might need to learn how to deal with these difficult days.
I think he needs to start opening up to you because you’re not a mind reader and you’re trying to do right by him. It will make you both feel better if not you, then a counsellor. You’re not his emotional punch bag. But some communication would be good. He could be bored to and to help you out maybe he could start looking for a job whilst getting counselling.
Do try to talk to someone because otherwise you will feel like you are now and carry on treading on eggshells. Family or a friend might be too close. Forum like this are great.
You can't keep going the way you are, and if you just soldier on, you'll eventually fall over in a heap whether you're made out to be the bad guy or not. If that happens, you'll be no good for yourself, let alone for him. Like any relationship, you can't just keep on giving without receiving something back, other than abuse.
Your guy needs counselling but getting him to realise that could be a big ask and you just might have to give him an ultimatum and act on it. He's not the only person who has lost his parents or loved ones and you're not the only one who tries to make the best of a difficult relationship. He's stuck in a 'comfort zone' and a rut where he just survives without respecting the rest of the picture which happens to be and your needs. If he talks about changing, then he realises there's an issue, but talk won't solve anything without positive actions backing it up.
If you can find the time & afford it, you really need to get counselling yourself. It's all good to look out for your partner, but don't ignore your own needs & particularly when you're on medication to cope with it all.
Thank you both Lily31 and Manalone
Both of what you have said resinates with me and I agree with 100%
Today has been a little better apart from the guilt tripping. Asking something of me then saying “you better be nice to me as you made my Christmas evening horrible”. Trying to then make me feel like rubbish when I know full well I did not make it rubbish. He did that to himself. It’s a never ending cycle to get him to help himself and I’ve learnt that he’s got to want to get help. I can’t make him nor can I fix it. He will make Drs appointments but then cancel them because “I can’t be bothered” or “my depression is real bad today”. I try my best to help him and make him see that it will be worth it in the end but nope.
I am all over the place and feel a little used by him if I’m completely honest with myself. It hurts to say it or even just to think it but I guess that’s why it does hurt. I’ve allowed it.
I’m not allowed to feel down or sad because as he said that there is only one week of the month I’m easy to deal with (referring to PMS). He’s told me that the way I react to certain things trigger him and makes him angry which is why he acts the way he does sometimes which is wrong as when he does something that triggers me it’s “I can do what I want”
I’m nitpicked for the way I eat and drink and it’s more of a mocking than just talking to me about it if me slurping every now and then annoys him.
Mental health runs in my family from depression to BPD (on my fathers side) I’m going to arrange a Drs appointment to get some support and advise as I feel like this has gone on longer than it should and I’m upset with myself for letting people treat me this way. I’m always been the type that is too kind and willing to make anyone happy. Yes it’s a good trait but it’s also bad when you don’t know how to say no to someone. It’s something I really need to learn
Snide comments about you ruining Christmas for him (when you didn’t) and guilt tripping you doesn’t sound better. His mood is still there.
I know you said it’s very easy for people to say leave him, so think about if you’re really happy with him and how much longer you’re willing to put up with this.
being kind and wanting others to be happy are really good traits, you don’t have to change that but maybe you need to learn how to be more assertive and follow through on things. There are lots of book on this.
The best thing you can do is get yourself support and you might start to change yourself and learn what you will and won’t put up with. Keep updating on here if you want and let us know :-)