We both cheated at the same time.. can't get my head straight
I'm a bit lost.. In short we met some new friends who we spent a lot of time with and we both developed feelings for one another partners which ended up in us all having affairs, concurrently. The affairs lasted for approximately three months, and is your stereotypical 'exciting to meet someone else' affair.
My wife developed feelings for him, as I wasn't showing any interest, and we both just fell into the trap of not bothering and went elsewhere for our needs to be fulfilled.. Equally for me the prospect of new was more exciting and I did the very same.
It's all come out, and generally everyone is accepting to what has happened, they are working quite well through it and show promising signs of repair.. my wife is been really loving and putting in a lot of effort, been kind, loving me - but I am really struggling to move passed certain parts.
During the affair I used protection, however they didn't (as he's had a vasectomy) - My wife has never been willing to discuss contraception with me, so that we could share that experience together of not using protection - and there seems to be little or no thought put into it with them. It's massively effected me, I can't seem to move passed the thought of my wife and another man sharing that moment, and all the details that entail. She has explained that she never thought about it (using protection with him) and just assumed it was ok as he had the vasectomy, also doesn't see that it means anything more than not using contraception.
So, I can't shift the thought of them sharing that moment (she even asked him to do it to her, by her admission), every-time I seem to look at her my mind goes to 'that place' and images it all over again. I'm wondering if I am being overly sensitive or unreasonable? We don't argue about it, I just explain that I'm really struggling to move passed the idea of it, and it's made it nearly impossible for me to show any affection or love.
What's in front of me is someone who is willing to love me and make a real go at getting things back on track, I can see that and I acknowledge that to her. But I am really struggling to move passed 'that thought'.. At this point, I don't think I can and I think the marriage will come to an end.
I'd be interested in anyones honest thoughts here? Has anyone had this happen to them before? Am I being unreasonable? I know there is no right and wrong, but I'm struggling to find answer.
Thanks for taking the time to read.
Perhaps the feeling is that because the man was not using a condom, somehow their sexual relationship was more intimate and meaningful than what you and your wife have had for many years. She dismisses this idea (since the guy had a vasectomy), but for some reason it represents something else to you. (Perhaps you feel the condom has been a barrier between you and your wife but she took that down in her relationship with this other guy.)
To salvage this marriage you and your wife need to go to counseling and be very honest there in how you feel. You both seem to want to put this marriage back together again and everything needs to be discussed, including her feelings about you being with another woman.
Broken marriages can be healed when there’s a situation like this but it takes a lot of work and should be guided with a good therapist. Good luck.
If you both have the will to make your marriage work, then you'll eventually get there. It's not so much about what has happened during the affairs, it's why it happened in the first place that you guys need to sort. Professional counselling and therapy is the first step to assisting you guys, the rest is all your hard work and willingness to succeed.
I can understand your view point but she has said it didnt mean anything to her so sharing "that moment"from what she has told you (and you seem to both have been very honest and forgiving) didn't mean anything more to her like your imagining it did. I wondered if youd considered that stance?
Thank you for your frank post. It is probably all true but I suspect that each of you has a different story to tell about it. The trap you appear to be in is to make sense of it all through judging your own behaviour as somehow 'less sinful' than that of your wife's. This is understandable but I suggest that you give that some thought. Perhaps also ask yourself what behaviours could have avoided what has occurred. It probably isn't too late to adopt these behaviours. Give it a go!