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Controlling partner

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This is my first post on this forums and I am feeling rather ashamed and guilty doing this but I feel I would like an outsiders opinion on the situation I have managed to get myself into.

I am a 38-year-old male, that seems to have a terrible time picking the right partner. I am a typical nice guy that just wants an easy life and tends to give in to my partner's pressures to the detriment of my own life, which ultimately makes me look like a bad person in the end.

Since the age of 18, I have been in 3 long term relationships, my first relationship was for around 7 years, I had a child, married and purchased a house together, however, the relationship was completely one-sided, it was always her way or the highway, additionally, she was controlling and jealous. I stayed in that relationship for so long because of my child and eventually I couldn't hack it and left. (I am still involved in my child life).

My second relationship latest 11 years, and if I am totally honest, this relationship failed because of me. My partner was 14 years older than me and at the time. the age gap didn't bother me, but eventually, it did. My life goals changed during the relationship, I started to enjoy the outdoor life however my partner didn't like it and started to resent me for this. Eventually, we drifted apart and I ended the relationship, instead of trying to work at it.

My third relationship, unfortunately, did a full circle and I met a younger lady and I have been with her for almost 15 months. To begin with, I didn't really see the issue or maybe I chose to ignore them, however over time I have found she is controlling, jealous, gaslighting, angry, I have the constant feeling of walking on eggshells, she has OCD, she wants stuff done her way all the time and done immediately, she is always very coercive to the point that I felt I was forced down a path of having a child with her. The child is now 1 month old and I love him to bits but I cannot stand his mother and want to break up with her as soon as possible.

In April 2021 the tenancy agreement ends on the property we are living in and I have decided to not renew it, however, I feel guilty doing this because it means my son along with his mother has to go and live with her parents whilst we both get back on our feet. I just do not know what to do because I hate myself at the moment but feel that I cannot go on living under her rule.

Controlling partner

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Because there is a child involved , you owe the relationship and should do everything you can to hold it together. That means go to couple’s counseling.

Perhaps she doesn’t know how intolerable things are at the home, according to you. Have you expressed your feelings? It is not unusual for one partner to feel neglected when an infant comes into the home. Do you suppose that is what is happening to you?

If you must break up, YOU need to leave, not the mother with the child. That means you must absorb the financial responsibility for their housing, wherever that may be. Don’t assume that she can bring a child into her parents home.

If this were a divorce you would be paying her alimony until she was able to work again. Also child support.

Right now, with such a new infant her main job is to take care of that child. Respect that.

Controlling partner

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Thank you for the response, I have been trying to work on the relationship, however she is unbelievely difficult to be with, even her family members have said to me in confidence that they can only take so much of her. I have tried to explain to her that this relationship feels like a dictatorship and I cannot live under this pressure and this has been happening before the baby is born and before she fell pregnant. I am focusing totally on the baby at the moment and if we do separate I would be part of his life and I would be paying child maintenance.

I just feel I cannot live with someone who I believe is totally unreasonable.

Controlling partner

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You're caught between a rock and a hard place but you have to think of yourself to be able to function properly so you can support and be a responsible father to your son in everyway. Counselling will help you and your partner but she may not be willing, going by your post, and if that's the case, you need to go yourself.

If your relationship is such that you're walking on eggshells, then you need to look at other ways to be able to get on with your life. There's a reason why your partner is controlling and insecure and it's her issue to sort. You owe it to yourself and your newborn son to basically be there, but if the situation has become untenable, even though you have worked at it, then there's only one way out. If you look ahead, there's no way should you try and bring up a child in an unstable environment and one where you no longer want to be.

Controlling partner

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I agree with your statement, I am trying my best to keep things together, but I've been in a relationship like this in the past and eventually it always ends in disaster, which is why at the moment I feel there is no option other than to separate.

I do believe she is up for counciling however I've already discussed with her how I feel like the relationship is and she doesn't take on any responsibility and because of her controlling and coercive behaviour she manages to twist it into being my fault and I personally am someone that doesn't work less in an argument, I tend to shutdown and just let it happen without defending myself, which if a personal problem of my own, which I have decided to speak to someone about professionally to see why I cannot seem to stick up for myself.

My new born child is amazing and I love him so much and want to be part of his life so I know for certain, whatever happens I will be there for him.

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