Sexless newlyweds - HELP
NEWLYWEDHELP - Jan 9 2021 at 18:54
My husband and I have been together for 3 years and married for 1/2 year. Let me first start off by saying that before my husband and I moved in together we were having sex 4x a week (that went on for about a year and a half).
I moved in after a year and a half and sex dwindled significantly. He is VERY type "A" , mid 30s and never lived with anyone before, never had a serious relationship, so it was a huge challenge staying together during this time. I thought it was only natural that our sex life would subside for a while.
Well, a year and a half later we are only having sex 1X A MONTH.
Relationship Past: I have had a few serious relationships that were over 3+ years. I have never had an issue with a man wanting to be intimate. In all my previous relationships I could be wearing sweat pants , no makeup and hair in a bun and my boyfriends would still find me sexy.
I know what you are thinking "Why don't you just talk to him?" , well I have MANY MANY TIMES. I am BIG on communication. He constantly makes backhanded comments about me wearing sweat/yoga pants or my old college t shirts. He stated that it was a turn off for him and that is why we were not having much sex. This just confuses me because I find him sexy in anything he wears. Also I am used to guys wanting me no matter what. I listened to him and decided to start putting in more effort (don't think I let myself go or anything, still fit, just enjoy my yoga pants and active wear tops). I started to throw on jeans and a cute top and put some makeup... month later, nothing changes with sex. I ask again , he states that now it is my pajamas , does not find it hot for me to wear pajama pants or old college shirt to bed... got new pajamas ... still nothing.
He later proposed and I of course said yes because besides the sex he is a great partner, friend, and companion. I figured that we will get back on track because I mean we were having it all the time before so why couldn't we go back to that? After the proposal I had a serious talk and stated I did not want to enter a "sexless marriage" and suggested counseling because I don't even think he knows why he barely wants to have sex. He stated that all he needs now is more cuddling. It was then that I realized my soon to be husbands love language is affection and he is way more sensitive than I thought. SO... I thought I found the solution I had been seeking all along!!! ... NOPE. I have made every modification and now I am at the point where I don't care if he makes fun of me or doesn't like my t-shirt, my pajamas, and I have pulled back on cuddling because he isn't fulfilling my needs, why should I cater to his? (I know this is not healthy).
Now before you say " HE IS CHEATING" I can assure you he is not. He is the guy that would much rather hang out with me than a friend. He would spend every waking moment with me if he could.
Has anyone else ever gone through this? Any advice? BTW we are going to start counseling in a couple weeks however could use all the help I can get.
Did you turn him down fairly often for a period of time? It has been proven that a man being turned down as few as 3 times in a short enough amount of time can make them stop wanting sex.
Also, sometimes guys do want to feel like their lady dresses sexy just for them occasionally.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. sexless relationships are very bad to a person's self-esteem (I've been there) especially when the partner isn't big on communication.
From what I can gather, he keeps making excuses instead of facing the issue head on; plus, his backhanded comments are rather hurtful.
Could he be addicted to porn?
Could he be stressed at work/ in general?
Did you suggest couple therapy?