Very complicated situation with marriage - need advice
I really need some advice and can’t go to anyone I know in “real life”. I don’t even know where to begin. This is going to be long, I will give as much detail as I can to help anyone understand my situation. I feel like I’m going crazy and need to let this off my chest. It is in regards to my marriage and personal life. To give some background information, I have been with my husband for 12 years in total, married for 4. We are both 31 years old and have no children. From the beginning of our relationship he has always had issues, he could never hold down a job, and decided to drop out of college to sell weed. I will admit I should have left him back then but I kind of needed him. I was living with my dad in a small apartment, he had anger issues and we fought all the time. I was miserable there, but my boyfriend lived in his parent’s basement so it gave me somewhere to stay that was away from the stress of home. I was in college and had plans to get a job, move out, etc. In 2014 I graduated and moved into his parent’s basement. We were renting it but I was the only one who worked so I paid all the bills. I had hopes he would “get it together”. We became engaged shortly after, which I believe his parents pressured him to do because they didn’t like us living under their roof without being married. They also pressured us to get married asap, and we were married in 2016. I knew in my heart it wasn’t right and that he wasn’t ready for it, but I felt I had no choice. I did love him at the time, and had hopes he would change. He promised he would start working after we were married and we would save and move out, start a family, etc. Little did I know this was only the beginning of the hell to come.
About 4 months after we were married, he drained our savings claiming he owed his weed dealer. That money was for our honeymoon and first and last month’s rent to move out, so I was very upset. He promised he would make up for it, start working and put the money back into the savings. I believed him and gave him another chance. Long story short he never ended up getting a job, and went back to selling weed. Fast forward six months later, I found out he had put his wedding ring on lay away because he owed money, and had drained the savings yet again. I came home from work one day to a note taped to the front door saying “give me my money” and my car was keyed. I also found out he had taken loans out in my name, and did not pay them back. He totally ruined my credit. At this point I started to feel like giving up on him. On top of everything he was doing, I was struggling too. I was extremely anxious and depressed. I was trying to find a good paying job so I could save enough to move out, whether it was with or without him, but I went to school for social work and it does not pay well. I ended up leaving my field to take an office job but I was even more miserable doing that.
Anyway, in 2018 I noticed his behaviour was getting worse. Some nights he wouldn’t even come home, he was acting crazy and I knew something was really wrong. While doing laundry I found a crack pipe in his pants, and everything made sense. I confronted him about it and of course he denied it at first, but I made it very clear to him that he needed to stop immediately or I would leave. I had enough at this point. Again he promised he would quit, get a job, same old promises. I never believed him but I was stuck. I had nowhere else to go, no family or friends who could help, he had drained the savings several times and ruined my credit. I didn’t make enough money to afford to live on my own. Fall of that year I was at work one day and he called me in a panic, saying he needed the bank card with the pin and needed all the money in the savings. He said he owed money for drugs again and this guy was threatening to shoot him and his house, where I lived as well as his parents. This was the time where I truly had enough. This is when I started to fall out of love with him. I had given up hope, and was ready to leave. I let him have the money as I was scared for all of our lives. I was severely depressed at this point, I truly hated my life. I was miserable living in his parent’s basement, it was old and had mold. I was coughing constantly, always sick. I needed out so badly but had nowhere to go. I basically shut myself off from realty at this point, I became numb. He got a job in November of that year, which I was happy about but I felt it was too little too late. He only worked for about 4 months and then quit. Old patterns started to happen again, he had cashed 3 bad cheques using my chequing account, I lost my entire savings yet again. At this point I honestly started to hate him. He made me sick, just looking at him made me sick. If I had anywhere else to go I would have left.
Around this same time I started a new job that I actually enjoyed. While working there I met a guy, who I fell for pretty quickly. He was super calm, polite, sweet, the total opposite of my husband. We flirted a bit, and it definitely crossed my mind many times to ask him to hangout outside of work. The only thing that stopped me was that I lived in my in-law’s basement, and didn’t want to drag him into my messed up situation. My husband is crazy, and had he known I was hanging out with another man he would lose his mind. So my co-worker found out I was still married, and kind of fell back from the flirting. I wasn’t the one who told him, it came from another co-worker and when he found out he seemed pretty shocked. I let him know in private that I wasn’t happy in my marriage, and was planning to leave, but never really told him details. We continued to hangout at work, we took both our breaks and our lunches together every day. We were super close and I wanted to tell him how I felt so many times but I was too scared of bringing him into my situation. During this time my husband had gotten a job and was working full time for several months. He was clean from drugs, it seemed like he was finally getting it together. Unfortunately due to Covid I lost my job in March, and so did my co-worker. I made the decision at this point to stay with my husband and try to make things work. We had managed to save up a decent amount of money, and could afford to move out which is all I wanted. I thought maybe once we moved we could have a fresh start, and move on from everything that had happened in the past. We moved in August and unfortunately shortly after I realized that moving would not solve our problems. I do not trust him at all, and I realized I still resent him for everything he did to me. Sometimes I look at him and I feel pure disgust. I’ve become physically repulsed by him, it’s hard to even kiss him, and he can tell something is going on with me. I’ve been pretty honest with him and let him know I wasn’t sure if I could ever move on from what he has done to me. I have this gut feeling he will mess up again and I'm terrified to move forward with him.
Also, honestly I am really struggling letting go of this guy. I had strong feelings for him, and I think he felt something for me too. We definitely flirted, but I feel like once he found out I was still married he was confused and never pursued anything with me. I wish I could talk to him and explain everything, I want to know if he ever felt anything for me too. I haven’t been able to get him off my mind since last March when I last saw him, I think of him literally every day. I believe this adds to my feelings towards my husband. I don’t think I can truly move on with him until I have some kind of closure with this other guy. I feel so lost and so confused, and everyday my negative feelings towards my husband grow worse and worse. I should mention I did reach out to him back in October and asked him to hangout, he said sure and we made plans to have a drink together but unfortunately our city entered a lock down due to Covid and we had to cancel. I reached out again in November just to see how he was doing, and he never replied to my text. I let it go at this point, I figured he wasn’t interested and I should just move on, but I can’t. I need to let him know how I feel. I was thinking of asking him if he could meet up just to talk, but he may think it’s weird as we haven’t really talked in months. Also our city is still in lock down and he may not want to be around me due to Covid. I don’t know what to do. Please I need some advice.. I feel like I’m losing my mind over this.
You need to stop. Obviously you are done with your husband, but he is not 100% at fault. As you said, you knew it was wrong when you got married. You made a bad decision. Then you made a couple more bad decisions every time you let him empty your accounts without repercussions.
Now you are making another bad decision. You are looking to start an affair while you are still married. This is likely partially responsible for your newfound dislike of your current husband, you have already chosen someone else.
Now onto the advice, for your future plans. I'd suggest that you open up your own personal account and start saving money in it. Once you have enough, you can move out by yourself and start divorce proceedings. Ignore this guy that you have feelings for. IF you still have feelings for him after the divorce, then you can pursue him.
This is really good advice
Firstly I feel you lack attention from your husband. So your just trying to replace what your not getting at home with this other guy..I wouldn't peruse the other guy..I would persue devorce proceedings and get your husband well out of the picture. My sister had a partner of 10 years exactly the same as your husband and he never changed. He got worse and worse and drove her into the ground financially. I would strongly recommend you get as far away from your husband as possible. Before he turns nasty on you. Drugs and money are a recipe for disaster. And you will be stuck in the middle of that regardless. So please save your self and your sanity before it's to late. You can save you not him I'm afraid. When you are at peace then I'd definitely find your happy and the right man for you. Don't put your self into another war zone. Hope this helps and good luck to you
Very revealing statement:
“I should have left him but I kind of needed him.”
As a student of social work, you should have run across the concept of codependency. This is what has been happening over these past years.
Until you find out why you “needed” him all this time in spite of these destructive behaviors, you will stay with him.