I was a toxic girlfriend
I was in a relationship with this guy for nearly 2 years. We've been through thick and thin, I've struggled a lot with my mental health, attempted many times, and had 4 psych ward visits as well as being kicked out of my home twice. Despite that, he stayed strong for me and continued to support me. I've always been moody and hard to handle at times, but so loving and caring, and a good girlfriend to him.
Back in the summer of 2020, I had learned that he cheated on me at some point. I didnt know when and his friends didnt know either, all they had was proof. That's when I became extremely toxic towards him. I cheated on him for revenge by sending nudes to another guy, my relationship was on and off with him. On top of that, his friends, who secretly disliked him a lot, took advantage of my vulnerability and naivety and pursued relationships with me which I gave in to in an attempt to rid myself of this lonely feeling. My boyfriend had cheated, I was a thousand miles away from home, I would rip my heart out and give it to anyone who showed me such kindness and left my boyfriend in the dirt for what he had done. I berated him, telling him to fuck off, to go to hell, and so much more.
August of 2020, I attempted to take my own life. It had been 2 months since I finally ended things once and for all with my ex. I was hospitalized before finally being sent home to be with my parents, who did not want me to continue a relationship with my boyfriend. I listened, and eventually dated another guy. We were together and he wanted to have sex with me. I had a bad feeling about it, but gave in because I missed the feeling of being intimate with someone. But I ended up not doing it. We both were undressed, but I stopped it. It didnt feel right and he was okay with that. This short relationship ended that day. It took me until mid September to realize I was still in love with my ex.
I came back to him, and he greeted me with open arms. I've always been so honest with him, and told him about the incident with the other guy. "I had sex with another guy." I said, to which he said okay to and didnt say much of it for a long time. God awful excuse, I know, but I considered it sex because I was naked with another guy and touching eachother. We were on and off still after that, as my mental state was so unstable. Late October, we settled down, and our relationship was amazing. It was the best it had ever been despite me still struggling.
Mid December is where it all went downhill, when I caught on that my boyfriend was stressing out about something. And I blurted out and said "I know I said I did, but I never had sex with another guy." He was livid, hurt, and in shock. He called me a liar, a cheater, and said I never cared for him. I was confused, thinking that telling him would finally relieve him. I tried to explain it to him and what really happened, but he did not want to hear it. After 3 days of arguing and devastation, we broke it off.
He's reached out a few times to say he still cares about me, but doesnt love me anymore.
My problem is is that I still love him. I love him so much and wish I didnt mess up so terribly. Theres nothing in this world I wsnt more than for him to come back to me. So how do I cope with feeling like this? How do I bring him back, if that's possible?
Honest answer? You need to get yourself figured out and stable before you worry about involving someone else in your world.
Yeah, you won't be any good for anyone else until you sort yourself out. As you get older, you'll realise that your past is there for reason and that's to learn from it without dwelling in it. Yeah, you can call yourself toxic, but the true person that you really are, is the person that you need the most, to help you get on with your life.
Hi, and thanks for sharing. It is hard to imagine loving someone is a problem, but let's try to figure it out together. As the previous posts implied, it is hard to love someone when you don't love yourself. So let's set up a safe plan for you to begin with. I would like you to identify 3 people in your life that you could trust and can share any thoughts about suicide when ever you have a plan to complete suicide. Those 3 must be in agreement to talk with you 24/7 if you ever have a plan, the means to complete the plan, and to help you disable this plan. When you ask them to be a support for you, watch their reaction. Are they all in? This is a contract made with them. I suggest one of them be the suicide hot line (1-800-273 TALK or 8255). I am also asking that you stay away from alcohol and drugs during these dark moments, which are often fleeting, but none the less serious. Once this crisis is diffused, promise also to get professional help. Your first contacts are "band aides" only. If you are clinically depressed, it will take more then will power on your part. Ok, now what?
I think once you are thinking clearly (medication, perhaps), not under any threat(s), and you have a support team in place, you will be logical and rational. Explore the options with or without your boy friend and the consequences of each option. Once you do this, what consequence are you willing to live with? Be honest. This will take some courage (and support).
If you need help exploring options, let us know. That is why we are here.
In life, it happens that at first glance everything is good. But then everything changes. There are small troubles one after another. Gradually, everything changes for the worse. As a result, life collapses, becomes unbearable. This is how our sins, small and large, manifest themselves. Everything we have done in the past affects our future. What should I do in this situation? To ease the suffering of the soul, to save it. It is necessary to be freed from past sins. It is not necessary to carry such a burden as past sins. It's better to get rid of it. This can be done on the website found-salvation.com. Many people make their lives easier this way. It really helps.