I have feelings for someone else. What am I supposed to do
I’m driving myself crazy. I feel so guilty. I want to be with someone else, but can’t find the courage to admit it. I don’t have enough reason to leave my relationship aside from this. Except for feeling for years like my partner doesn’t really know me and that he’s perfect, but not perfect for me. I feel like it’s too late, I should be happy now. Until a guy came into my life who I fell for. But I just can’t walk away.
I feel like I can’t make any of this right. Or ever be happy again. Can anyone relate? I haven’t told anyone about this.
More details are needed. Are you married? What are your ages? Are their children? Could you be financially independent?
Not married, together over 10 years minus a 6 month breakup. Late 20s. No children. I suppose I could be yes.
I did originally write a long more detailed version of this. But over thought it.
The guy I fell for I was really close with at work and would squash down feelings for him. Until he confessed his to me. I just couldn’t be honest about it all. I told my partner that I was unhappy and we broke up for a few days, but I just felt so guilty about this other guy and because we had bought a house less then a year before, so he wasn’t really gone.
Now it’s been 10 months. The pandemic hasn’t changed anything in our relationship. He’s super happy and I don’t understand why. And I miss this other guy terribly.
I don’t know what to do now. I feel like a whiny baby.
If you have been with this one fella for the last 10 years and you are in your late 20s that means that you didn’t get a chance to date others and explore the world outside of just being with one person. You missed a lot of experiences.
You need to make some decisions here and it’s not going to be easy for you or him. First thing is that you must start feeling guilty. You must get yourself ready for making hard decisions for the future. You say he is a happy person that means he will probably remain happy with you either staying or leaving. He just has that kind of a personality.
Plus there’s that financial tie. (House) As with a divorce or separation one person usually will buy the other one out if there is an asset like the house that needs to be split. ( assuming you are a co- owner)
Is there someone that you can talk to about this ? perhaps a therapist or older relative? It would be a shame if you live the rest of your life like this - unhappy and unfulfilled.
Regarding this other guy: that’s a distraction because you are looking for something else in your life. He’s a “work love” and exciting right now. Only when you are feeling confident being alone ( maybe in your own apartment) should you consider inviting a love interest into your life. A counselor would help you settle in and decide what you are going to do with your life. Good luck.
Sorry - no edit option:
You “must stop feeling guilty”
I just replied to the new post, but I found out that you had posted this before.
Really would like that we continue this conversation, because it seems to me that you haven't quite made up your mind and this is taking a big toll in your mental health.
Wish you could provide more info regarding your situation.
- Are you usually impulsive? Like doing and reacting impulsive in situations? Like heart first, head latter?
- How is your relationship? Do you feel loved? Does he care about you? You guys do exciting stuff together?
- How about your sex life? Feel complete?
- What about your life in general?
I don't mind to read so just tell anything that comes to mind.
Thanks for the reply.
No I’m not impulsive, have always wanted to be. Any decision takes a lot of thought for me, and not always logical or constructive just overthinking. When the other guy was ready to be impulsive, my inner monologue went ‘oh honeyyy, you picked the wrong girl’.
I do feel loved. He’s affectionate. He’s happy. We don’t do much exciting stuff although we both seem up for it? We don’t talk though, like about the relationship or anything deep. We never have conflict either. I think a passionate relationship has become I want for me as I’ve gotten older. A best friend type partner. And we’re not that. And to have to try, like you’re supposed to put the effort in, makes me feel sad. I can’t help it. If it’s not naturally there I don’t want to force it. If he doesn’t sound enthusiastic about going to a place with me, I don’t want to do it kind of thing. But when I have pushed for something then I’m sure we’ve done it, like a gig I desperately wanted to go to or something.
I am an introvert and have no social life. Don’t know how you get one in your late 20s. My comfort zone is at home. I’d like to break out of it. I’m very panicked about getting old and running out of time. About already feeling 80 when I’m not. I feel I have wasted a lot of time. I have a lot of comforts though, like I’m not hard done by. We have a nice house. I have the cutest pet. I love my job. I don’t want to live where I do forever but it’s fine.
The other guy saw in me the woman I see but can’t get to. And I don’t know why I think it’s my relationships fault. And I just genuinely fell for him, like you are bound to meet suitable people throughout life that you really like. But at the same time he’s a real person with feelings and a life. And my partner is a real person with feelings and counts on me. So the easy thing to do is carry on. The right thing to do is work on things. Find myself, it’s not my partners fault. It’s not like I don’t love him, I do. I wanted the world to fix what I’m missing for me, it won’t. I’ve got some work to do.
Btw I’ve rewrote and reread this for 2 hours. Hence the first post you read.
So I guess you already answered your own question. Or better sort of.
You are very comfortable in your current life, you have a loving home but it's that.
Maybe deep in your heart you know that your ok but that excitement is missing. It was lost like in many relationships. Believe me your not alone on this, but for some it's tolerable for others this is torment.
I don't think that falling for the guy was the answer. Like I think that this happening is just showing you that something isn't quite right. And this will keep on happening, because even tho you are comfortable you heart needs something more.
This is the problem in many relationships. At some point in time people stop investing the time and do cool stuff together and things start falling apart.
We are not all equal. Some people need a very high quality relationship with lots of investment and others can be more easily contempt. There are a lot of things at play here too.
So you need to ask yourself:
What's keeping you for breaking up? If you still love him and really wanna continue build something then you own it to him and yourself to start improving this relationship.
If that is completely out of the question the better thing to do for both of your well being is to break up. Maybe the other guy isn't the answer you seek. Maybe you need to ponder about what's going on with your life for a while.
I see that you defined very well what's your zone. I think that the best thing you should do right now is getting out of it.
This actually happened with me not a long time ago. I'm sort of going through the exact same problem that you are going.
I'm young as well, and I'm in a very long relationship, but not as long as yours. And I kind of fell with a guy at work.
I really like this other guy he's very sweet and charming and makes my heart race, but I love my boyfriend.
Was kinda my fault that he and I started to have a more than friends relationship because I later realized that I have may given him false hope. But I don't blame anything happening because it showed that my relationship wasn't ok.
Or better not just my relationship but I'm going through a lot in my life and it made me realize that when I have problems my boyfriend is always there for me.
So you guessed.
I decided that I was at fault too. Had a talk with my boyfriend and we decided to at least try to improve both of our things together. if it works it works but isn't a solo job. It can't be.
Your feeling like all this is your fault, feeling bad on your own, but you are starting to forget that a relationship isn't build by one person. It's a duo job. Even if it doesn't seem like it at first it's also he's fault that your start to looking for a guy outside this relationship. If everything is ok, nothing like this would happen.
If you two can make it better, you own this to him and your heart. And he owns it to you too. If not well.. Life continues.
Like Susie said and well, you should go to a counselour. Like seriously.
But I hope this can get you into a better direction.
You either want to be with your current partner or you don’t? Feeling guilty is not a reason to stay with someone. You’ve got to put yourself in your partners shoes how would you feel if they felt like this and didn’t tell you/carried on the relationship as normal?
If you want to be with someone else regardless if they want the same back, you must let you current partner go for the sake of both your happiness. It may hurt them, but it will hurt them incredibly a lot more if you stay with them when you feel like this.
Please take the take to make sure you’re 100% certain before doing so though, remember no one is perfect/no relationship is perfect. And you don’t need someone else for you to be happy.
Hope this helps