Since then, 10 years ago, I decided that that sort of thing was just not for me and I could happily get on with my life. I had a lot of challenges to deal with and focused all my energies on them. Now I have time to reflect, all the stuff I thought I had put behind me have come flooding back. I feel angry and bitter about the experiences I missed out on years ago, and alternate between thinking that I should start trying to find someone, and thinking that I should just give up. As I have terrible self-esteem and feel irritable and angry most of the time, I'm not exactly in a good state of mind to start dating someone.
The people who know me would say that I was a good person and have achieved much, and they are right, but they don't know what is inside me. I have several very close friends who are women and we appreicate each other immensely, but they have always been friends. The level of bitterness I have against younger people when I see them happy together is starting to frighten me. If it is no more than jealousy than I really am a twisted bitter person who nobody wants to know.
Over the past thirty years I have tried all the standard self-help and therapy and counselling remedies there are, and they have just not helped me get over this and I have no faith in them left. I feel as though there is a part of my personality which has never grown beyond the intensely shy, self-loathing 11 year old who was convinced everyone did not like him and who never dared to say hello to a girl. Is this who I will be until I go to my grave, or is it worth having one more try at finding someone? I am not bothered about the sex - if that was the problem there are ways of getting it but I know that is exactly what I do not want. All I want is someone who might hold my hand and be bothered about me and I can make a happier person.
If you're more than willing to change the way you live now -- which I'm sure you do -- you could try to work on what you CAN change about it.
Life is all about learning, and you are doing exactly that -- no matter what your age is.
If you want to be happy, then start putting the effort into building that happiness -- starting with working on getting what you actually want.
Just put yourself out there and meet new people and be open about yourself to others!
You might be surprised with the people you meet! You may even find a new girlfriend!
We are the social creatures of this world, and there's no escaping it.
I say, you go out and try again. You say you're not in the best shape right now, perhaps you need a friend or mentor to help get you through it; but nonetheless, try to have an optimistic outlook on what's to come of the future of your goals, and to emit a positive energy to your surroundings.
Life is all about effort to building good things and you know how destruction comes so easily.
You will draw in more people when you're happy than when you're upset, and if you think nobody cares anyway, you might as well try to be happy!
We can talk more if you enter the chatroom sometime -- I come here regularly to help others, so don't hesitate to join in!