Do I break up with someone I love due to an impasse about the future?
My bf and I do love each other and he’s really pushing to marry me after our 19 month courtship. Actually he was pushing to marry me well before but I told him I needed time. So now fast forward several months of spending time together. We are generally compatible including our interests and sex life. But over this time he has shown certain personality issues and I don’t know if they will get worse or not and be deal killers for me.
He is very loving and affectionate more so than most of my relationships in my life and we are both much older already. But sometimes he can be overbearing. He wants to be with me as much as possible over the weekend (we live too far and work too much during the week to see each other). I do enjoy my time with him too but also like down and alone time and during the week that’s limited. So yesterday I dropped him off at a store so that he could get his cell phone set up and ran some errands during that time. I didn’t hear from him for a while so I ended up picking him up after an hour and a half and never complained in fact I said I was happy he got his phone issues all resolved. Then he wanted to run another quick errand while we were in the car. During that time I decided to make a quick call to my sister-in-law and I needed to tell her something. When he got back in the car he sort of made a face and within a few minutes he was whispering something to me that I didn’t understand.
I could tell he was annoyed I was on the phone with my sister-in-law so I ended up hanging up the phone with her afterwards. I asked him what was the problem and he said you know I spent over an hour at the phone store and you think you would’ve held off talking to her and we would have our own time together. He also made a comment that I talk a lot while I’m on the phone and say a lot in a short period of time which makes no sense. He does seem to get annoyed this is not the first time he’s done this when I speak with my sisters on the weekend and he’s here he definitely gets irritated and wants to be a part of the conversation and then it indicates that we should cut it short with them. If I did have a whole lot of work to do during the week I will try to get my phone calls done then in many times. I do but that’s not always possible. The other annoying part of this is that he himself talks on the phone while he’s here on the weekends and I never say anything. He does offer to include me in the call if I want to be because I do know most of his friends and family at this point. I leave him alone to talk and then like busy myself with something else. It really doesn’t bother me even though many of his calls could go on for 15 or 30 minutes or longer. It seems like there’s a double standard.
He also is had a bad habit of bad mouthing my prior boyfriends and numerous occasions even though all of them were good to me and it just didn’t work out because we turned out we weren’t compatible. None of them hurt me or did anything bad and yet he consistently makes fun of them even though he really never knew them. I’m really concerned that moving forward in the future with him if I were to get married to him and he moved into my home that this behavior could expand and make me very anxious and unhappy.
He insists that we marry before he sells his business and home and move to my home out of state. He does not want to just live together or even be engaged for about 6 months since he said if it doesn't work out, he is homeless. Truth is we need to live together before marrying. So do I just break up an otherwise loving relationship if he does not waiver?
You shouldn't need to be pressured to marry for whatever the reasons and any future husband should share your values & your goals in life. It's none of your BF's business who your ex's were and what the history was, none whatsoever. If he needs to sell his business and home to be with you, then he should be 100% certain that you're the one. If he has doubts about it working out, then he shouldn't be pressuring you in the first place.
You're seeing his controlling and somewhat childish behaviour now and that's who he is and whether you want to be with him is your decision. His insistence that you do this and you do that, doesn't bode well even if it doesn't make sense. Your gut instinct is talking to you and always has been which is one of the reasons that you needed more time. Marriage, among other things, is about being happy and content; ask yourself if you can see this happening with this guy in the long run.
He is being pushy because he will need to sell his business and home to move to my state where I live and he doesn't want to do that without a marriage.
Big red flags. And those flags will only get larger and more frequent if you do marry him. How much time have you spent together dealing with normal life stress and struggle? How does he handle frustration and anger? If the most you've spent together is a couple of days a week, and you don't see what he's like during nomral daily routines, then you don't really know what you're getting into.
The behavior described above is about respect, boundaries, and maturity. Or rather, a lack of all of those. Someone like that doesn't get better after you're legally bound. In my experience, and that of most people I know, is that once it's legal, they feel free to be who they really are and stop being so "nice". Either spend some serious time together where you experience daily life and it's stresses and struggles or don't walk down the aisle. He's rightfully concerned about what will happen if you break up. You're rightfully concerned about what will happen once you live together. Your concern comes first. If he doesn't agree to a trial of some kind and keeps insiting you need to be married? Run.
thanks for your reply.
I am in the opposite situation. Together for 4yrs we have a 1yr old I wanted to talk about marriage and he doesn't want to. I am hurt and broken and he says its not me that its him. He cant promise that commitment to me ever pretty much. I am currently packing my stuff😥 its awful that whatever it is it is stronger than him caring about us his family. He says it means total control of the other person when you marry its so negative. I have been talking to him for a month and nothing promising comes out of his mouth. He doesnt suggest me giving him time or anything. Im at a loss but I need to leave because this is his house and I have nothing. I cant stay here and move forward with anything because its like its him and us but not like a family. We live together and are like we are married but we arent.. idk why its so bad me loving him that much that I saw him like my husband and would like to make that reality. He is a kind sweet person and father. But I want marriage and need to find it with someone else to complete my family then..
he has now agreed to live together first but I'm still very concerned about his behavior sometimes when he says things which are downright hurtful (about my late husband and deceased cat). I've told him to stop but sometimes he sneaks a comment in. I can appreciate some folks are just blunt and don't have a filter but in his case I think it's because he is so insecure.
SUSIEDQQ has a very good question, and even better advice.