How can I help more? Wife x work x kids
TUNAFISH - Feb 22 2021 at 20:59
Hi, the problem I want to talk about seems simple: I have a feeling I shouldn´t have married my wife. We have a lovely son and we are expecting a second baby. A year ago, when the first lockdown in my country was imposed, we separated for a month or so. However, I couldn´t handle not being with my son, so I moved back and tried to make everything up.
I´m a teacher, I´ve been teaching online for the most of the past year. I help a lot with the chores, I´m taking our son out every day, my wife can´t drive, so I do all the shopping, post office etc. I really do think I do the best I can to help her concentrate only on the newborn-to-be. Despite that, there is a new argument almost every single night. She keeps on telling me I don´t help enough, that I don´t have to work that much and that I prefer work to family (I work 30 hours/week, Fridays are completely free for me). There seems to be a new problem every single day.
I know that I overreact from time to time, especially, when I´m proud at the end of the day. I wake up with my son letting her sleep until 8:30 every morning, I feed him, I bath him in the evening, I go to the playground every day. If there is a day when I´m not home for the most of the day, it´s always a huge problem.
Now don´t get me wrong, I can´t imagine how difficult it is to be pregnant and have a two-year-old as well. But I don´t know how to help more. We fail in communication badly, when she runs out of arguments she targets my parents and tells me that they don´t help enough either etc.
Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Was it better after the delivery of the second baby?
Last remark, if it wasn´t for the kid(s), who I love more than anything, I would split up.
Thanks for any comments.
Hats off to you for your efforts and consideration because there's guys out there in your boat who wouldn't do it for whatever the reasons. Kids are a life time responsibility and your wife isn't coping with a 2 year old (and in a difficult relationship) yet alone being pregnant again. How would she be if you weren't there or you just couldn't be bothered?
Yep, communication is more than important and you guys need to sit down and negotiate/talk it out. She needs to help you to understand where she's coming from and you need to determine if it all makes sense. Plenty of people have said "if it wasn't for the kids, I'd.." but the kids still know when something isn't right whether you're together or not.
Go back to when you first separated and ask yourself the reasons why, because whether you have kids or not isn't the real issue. You need to realise that while you guys are arguing, it's not only affecting your kid(s) straight up, but it's also solving absolutely nothing regardless of what sort of a parent that you strive to be.
Shoot, I want to marry you. If you're accurate with your description of the help provided by you, you are a good partner. However, by saying it is the children that keep the marriage going, may be identifying a hidden problem, or in this case a not so hidden problem.
First, allow, accept, and acknowledge some personality changes with your wife's pregnancy. Hormones are powerful things. Next, communicate with tolerance and patience. She may not always be rational. You try being pregnant. Finally, and this may be difficult for you, listen with unconditional love. The family, your family, appears (and should be) one of the most important things in your life. It will take an incredible effort to keep it intact, but easy to allow to disintegrate. I assume you married your wife because you loved her at one time, or at least thought you did. This love can be rekindled if you are willing to give it a go. Unless your wife is totally irrational, she appreciates what you do, but does not know how to express that at this time. Keep it up and add some new surprises for all 4 of you. These new adventures should "warm" her up.
I would advise that you don't do anything drastic until a month or so after she gives birth (assuming no postpartum depression). Pregnancy hormones are a constant onslaught on her for 9 months straight, and could certainly effect her mentality and behavior.