I don't want to play this game
RAVENNINJA - Mar 3 2021 at 09:50
I have been in a relationship for 2 years now with my partner, we live together. this is after both of us ended our respective marriages. My divorce was sorted quickly, we have not kids, my ex and I are still friends and get along well. My partner's divorce on the other hand has been a nightmare.
There are children involved and his ex is, well... a narcissistic sociopath, she tried to take the children away from him and break him financially. She became particularly vicious when she found out he was in a new relationship. Pretty much tried to use family court to hurt him without any regard for her children. Fortunately for him this woman is mentally stuck at the age of 15, ignorant, clumsy and lazy. Her little legal revenge scheme didn't work, because that is not what family court is for (duh!). During all of this I was very supportive, I have been by his side throughout all the attacks of the ex, which are usually through the children (classy!) and help him through all the legal drama.
The whole relationship with his ex was described to me like this nightmare, he was humiliated constantly, controlled, financially, emotionally and I suspect even physically abused (he has never admitted the last part though) there were all these mind games and constant relentless drama over stupid things.
Here is where it gets complicated for me: The legal issues are now coming to an end, everything will be sorted in the next 2 weeks. He got good results, gets to be in his children's lives with minimal contact with the ex. He should be happy, right? well no, he has been trying to extend the issues, fixating on stupid minor unimportant things. I don't like drama. It has come to my attention in the past two years that he has a tendency to overcomplicate things.
Lately, a new development, he has been looking for fights with me, things like I send a message saying "good morning" and you only replied with "hi". Also when legal issues were brought up by him I give him my opinion, I know I can get very passionate about legal stuff and I can be difficult to talk to sometimes and that I'm very opinionated, but honestly I did my best to listen to him, also why did he asked for my opinion if he didn't actually want to hear it? he actually yelled at me... I don't know how I feel about that.
The reason I'm writing this is because I see a pattern forming: He is trying to recreate the trashy soap opera he was living with his ex with me. I consider myself to be a completely different person to his ex. I am independent, I have goals and I don't like living in a constant state of conflict, I want a peaceful harmonious home and with everything I have going on I simply have no time for petty fights. I am not the right woman for him if he wants to recreate his former marriage, I'm not going to abuse him, that is not who I am. And for the record I'm not going to be abused either.
He says he wants a life and a family with me but lately I'm having my doubts on how likely that is to happen. After the fight we had earlier I started looking for a place to live. Am I being too rash? Sorry for the long thread I don't really have anyone to talk to about this.
Yes, listen to your gut rather than your heart. This guy's actions tell you who he really is and while he's been put through the wringer by his ex, he should be looking forward to a happy and peaceful life with you, particularly after you've been together for 2 years. Sure, you can continue to support him if you like, but you'll end up just as miserable as he is. He may be trying to recreate his lousy marriage with you, and live in his past instead of learning from it, but you don't need to be part of it if it's going to cause conflict.
If he doesn't share your values and goals, and your outlook for a successful relationship, then you need to tell him in plain English where he stands with it. He has his issues to sort and he needs to do it himself (counselling etc) rather than dragging you down with him.
Hi RAVENNINJA: You are right. That is a lot of drama but you do have someone to talk to. It's your partner. Share with him what you shared with us. You will be able to measure his commitment to you and your relationship by his willingness to listen and attempt to change his behavior. What you ask of him is reasonable so his response should be also. Perhaps you can set measurable goals in your relationship to hold him (and you) accountable. Do not start a family as a possible resolution to your current conflicts nor have him promise a change of his behavior if the two of you would begin a family. Whereas that may work for him, it is not worth the risk to the children if he is not all about you to begin with.
I think I know your position regarding a marriage with this person but is he currently willing to marry you? Why or why not?