Ending a friendship / relationship
Anyhow, a few months ago, reconnected with an old friend/flame. For maybe a month, everything was great. But then I had a plan to go spend time with my family over the holidays (WFH is awesome!), so I would be out of the area for about a month. (This includes time before/after to quarantine because I'm trying to be semi-responsible.)
I spent the evening before I began quarantine with friend. But I couldn't spend the night because I have a dog who needed to be cared for. He suggested just leaving her all night in her cage (What? NO!!!! That's monstrous!), and I suggested instead that he come over to my place. We live 15 minutes away. I felt sort of stung by the thought that a) he was callous enough to think it was cool to leave a dog without food or water (or a place to go to the bathroom or move) overnight just so I could spend time with him and b) that I wasn't worth a freaking 15 minute drive to spend the evening with me.
But I tried to tell myself, maybe it's no big deal. Maybe he was just not thinking straight for the evening? IDK. So I kept talking to him over the course of said trip and offered to share pictures of my trip (virtually) the day after I got back.
So called him that day and he didn't pick up. Instead I got a text of, "Sorry, I'm all booked up and have to raid tonight. But talk later."
Like what? I know it's not a big deal...but it felt like I was being blown off. (And, I mean, all he had to do to show interest was, y'know, sit online for 15 minutes, look at a few pictures and say, "Wow, that looks fun!" Surely he could do that seeing as he'd already agreed to on the night that was discussed? I think I felt especially pissed as I'd spent hours earlier sorting through them so that he'd only see the few good ones vs. 10000 random pictures of blurry trees.)
Again, it just felt like, why am I bothering with this person? He clearly doesn't care about me unless he figures he's going to get laid from the experience.
Finally it all came to a head last weekend. I wanted to go skiing (by myself), but the lot was full, so I went off to a trailhead. My car got stuck in snow and it took me 4 hours to get it out. (Which along with running out of food + water, hurting my back, getting frostbite, etc. was...fun. I was also terrified that I wouldn't be able to get out and wasn't sure what I'd do then. But I escaped, so yay!)
So texted him that I was going to cancel getting together (nothing big - just playing video games at his house) so I could take a muscle relaxant and put my hands in gloves and hopefully feel better the next day. And I got something back like, "Why didn't you just ask someone for help?" And I just lost it. *He* wasn't offering to help. It just felt like, "Hey, why couldn't you do the blindingly obvious thing and ask a person who wasn't there to spend 3 hours getting your car out of the snow? Not that I, a person who wants to sleep with you will volunteer to do the same. But hey, totally a random stranger would want to do that I'm sure!"
So I pretty much just told him that I was done with things.
Now he wants to talk and honestly, I don't see much of a point. Since we have mutual acquaintances, I've said I will. But honestly, all I can think to say is, "Look, I don't want to be involved with someone who I feel is okay with animal abuse, blows me off, and doesn't bother to even offer to help me when I need it." (And honestly, it would have been such an easy thing to offer. Most likely, I'd never take him up on it. But I'd feel a lot better knowing that if I ever was horribly trapped that he'd at least offered to try to help, which would make me feel better about calling him.)
But there's part of me that feels like ~*maybe*~ I'm being too sensitive (although why bother with someone who's already making my shoulders raise up around my ears this early on? Things are supposed to be EASY a few months in!), or that he'll make me feel like I'm too sensitive, and I'll be like, "Okay, cool, let's give you one more chance and string this along until I'm really, REALLY miserable."
Ugh, so long tl;dr, but any advice?
You said it in the last paragraph,why should you bother? If you’re feeling like this now, how are you going to be feeling on in a few months time, or a year? I’d listen to your instincts because they are often right. I don’t think you’re being over sensitive, it’s just the fact that he’s not coming across as not very thoughtful towards you (and your dog!) and he likes to get his own way (if he doesn’t, he blows you off).
Hear him out, if you want to, and then have your say but don’t be fooled by him, if you need to take your time and go away and think then do.
You don’t have to be miserable with him, you could be very happy with someone else.
Awww, thanks. I think this was just what I needed to hear.
And I think that's exactly my feeling. If it's like this *now* when things are supposed to be fresh and fun and everyone is excited about everything, how will it be in the future?
And it really is the lack of thoughtfulness. It's not that anything he's done has been *vile*. But he hasn't done anything especially sweet or considerate, either. (No present for my birthday, Christmas, Valentine's day, etc. Not that it's a HUGE deal, but it makes it all feel like I'm at best an afterthought for him and I just don't see the point in starting something with someone who has me ranked somewhere below raiding on his to do list.)
It's your choice who you have in your life. Why let this guy drag you around when it's obvious he's not on your page. If he doesn't share your values and appreciate you for who you are, then why waste your time and effort with him. His actions are speaking, just as your gut is.
I think you've hit the nail on the head. I have a choice and...why someone who treats me like an afterthought? (It feels telling that, while he's supposedly being oh so generous in spending all the time he has free with me (not much), he still texts me maybe 1/10th as often as friends who are platonic. Like, I get that he has a kid...but surely saying "good morning" isn't that bloody difficult, right? It just feels like he wants someone to "comfort him" on his terms...but damned if it matters what I want or need. And no, I don't want to explain it to him. He's in his 40s. It shouldn't be that hard to figure out that if you treat someone like an afterthought, maybe they don't want to remain that way. I get that the kid comes first. But I don't especially want to come 40th...after raiding or groceries or trimming nails or whatever.)