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Hi, I'm completely new here but my mind is spinning and did not know where to turn for advice. The issue I have is quite complicated... I am 60 and divorced with one child, my daughter who is 28. After splitting with her Mum {we had been together since kids) I met my current partner who I love dearly online. We have now been together nearly 10 years. I felt that I had always had a pretty sound relationship with my daughter. She left university (about the time of our divorce) and went travelling to Australia .. for a year. I regularly gave her money and kept in touch. The travelling turned into nearly 5 years. In this time she realised that she was gay(not a problem for me ) and phoned to tell me that she had met the love of her life whilst in New Zealand. My partner and I own two houses in Cornwall. One was up for sale but my daughter begged me to take it off the market so that she and her girlfriend could live in it 'for a few months'... Now 15 months on (they cover the bills...just) .. she messages my partner in secret to ask for a 'secret' meeting with her without me knowing. (not realising that my partner and I share everything). I have not been well lately and it seems that where my partner had assumed that they wanted to 'secretly meet' to discuss my wellbeing as they were concerned.. Not at all!!! my partner came back livid as all they wanted to discuss was our will ! who gets this and who gets that ... how much?? I love my daughter with all my heart but now feel used and that all she ever really wanted me for was money. I feel SO upset as I've been so good to her over the years . Any advise would be appreciated as that 'secret meeting' with my partner is now causing arguments between us as she's seen a horrible selfish side to my daughter who she used to like ....

What to do?

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Welcome! I'm hoping you find the advice you need. I don't blame you for feeling betrayed. It has to be awful to think that your beloved daughter is conspiring with your partner (behind your back!) to figure out how much money she gets. *virtual hugs* I'm going to start with one thought. If your daughter has always been loving, it seems peculiar that she just suddenly only sees you as an avenue for money. (I mean, things happen. It's not impossible. But if she's truly only been after money for a decade or so and has hidden it thus far, she truly is playing the long game. Just saying.) It seems possible your partner was misinterpreting elements of the conversation. (Esp. as you weren't there - so precisely what was said/how it was said/etc. isn't something you can really know.) And money is a sensitive topic. So sensitive that it's easy to have misunderstandings about it. Let's look at two scenarios. In the first, your daughter only cares about your money and perhaps is even hoping you die so she gets your money sooner. I can't say how likely that is...but again, if it's seemed unlikely up until this point, it seems *possible* that some signals were crossed during the conversation (that you weren't part of - so can't explain exactly what happened/what was said/how it was said). Let's look at a second, more charitable one. If you are not doing well, it makes sense to sort out what happens when. (I mean, even if you live to be 120, it's still a matter of when. It is for all of us.) It's not unreasonable for daughter to want to not have to deal with cleaning up financial messes, sorting out who gets what, etc. while also making arrangements for your funeral + grieving her beloved father. (One of the greatest gifts my grandmother left my mother was a fully planned funeral, clear directives and a will. It sucks to wonder what a parent would have most wanted when you are also stressful and miserable.) It's possible she truly did want to have a calm conversation with her step-mother (while things still are able to be changed without getting a host of lawyers involved) about what your wishes might be. (e.g. if all property is assumed to go to your spouse upon your death, it's not unreasonable that she might have some concerns about where she and her partner will live. Especially if she fears that her step-mother might be eager to kick her out while you'd desperately want her provided for. Remarriages are rough as are fights over property post death!) Anyway, onto my advice. I'd be charitable with your daughter, esp. if prior to this you haven't thought of her as an ungrateful, greedy child who sees you as nothing but a check. (I don't think you'd be so distressed was it the second case.) Have an honest conversation with her about the meeting. What are her concerns? Why is she worried? Listen and respect her. You don't *have* to give her anything when you die. But if you do, it may be a great comfort to her to know that she won't be financially as well as emotionally bereft.

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Honestly, it sounds like you spoiled your daughter. Paid for her 5 year vacation traveling abroad, and then you all but give her a house for over a year. She is entitled, and that is what you're seeing the results of.

What to do?

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Hi THREEPILCHARDS: Thanks for sharing and yes, this can be a challenge to get to the truth. I agree this can be very awkward for your daughter to discuss with you. By doing so, she may be concerned that you see her as selfish and only looking out for her and her girlfriend's future. Or she, in her thoughts, may appear morbid and negative and view your health conditions in the worse light, as in being terminal. I like putting the best spin on this also. If you don't want to break the trust that you daughter has with your partner, start discussing estate issues with your daughter simply for financial responsibility reasons upon your death. It's called estate planning and should be done by everyone your age (if not sooner) to simplify the disbursement of assets without a family feud. This can also eliminate the cost and delays of disbursements by avoiding probate court. At least that is the way it is in the USA. Assuming there is mutual love and respect in your relationship with your daughter, she will be very helpful in disclosing what she really wants and needs long term as well as what she would like to have for you, long term. Be careful that you do not exclude your partner in this long term planning. She too, has a vested and loving interest in your future, as I assume you have for her. Let us know how this turns out.

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