Hello everyone. This is my first time here and my first post. My issue is kind of weird, well I think it is. But my whole life I just can't make friends. I get along with people, I'm friendly and kind, but everytime a friendship seems to start, it ends just as quick. I mean, it's a life theme really. I'm also an only child so no siblings. No father, mom has passed. I can't even hold onto online friends, I always seem to get dumped. I'm always giving of myself, try to be there for people, but no one is ever there for me, and I don't dump my feelings on people either. It doesn't help I have no other family either. I'm so emotionally beat from constant rejection. Anyways, thanks for listening.
That post sounds like I could have written it. I've always behaved in the same manner towards my friends and I rarely have a friend for long. As we speak I am 37 years old andi have 2 friends. 1 is on the internet, but we talk fairly often. The other lives 3 hours away, and we talk fairly often and occasionally visit each other (I also met him online).
This is the most amount of friends I have had since high school. The only advice I can give you, is to keep trying. Eventually you will find people worth the effort and they will stick around.
As for why the friends disappear, I have only ever been able to come up with 1 reason. And I don't even know if it is valid. I have a very strict moral code (for myself, I don't try to impose it on others), and maybe folks look at the way I behave and find themselves to be lacking. I don't like to go around bragging about the things I have done, but I know that I have willingly done things or gone out of my way to help folks when a lot of people wouldn't have.
That sucks and I'm sorry to hear. :(
The truth is, I don't know enough to tell you *why* you seem to get dumped. Maybe it's you. Maybe it's bad luck. Maybe it's a bit of both. This might be something worth finding a therapist and discussing with, just in case there's something specific about you that maybe could be improved upon. (Again, I have no idea, I'm a stranger on the internet. But sometimes we do things that we're not even aware of that make our lives more difficult than they need to be.)
After that, a few other thoughts that you can take or leave as they feel relevant...
1. Where you live/what you do for fun/your age can make a huge difference in all of this. I had 0 friends when I lived in Kentucky. It sucked. I have a huge and thriving friend group now that I live in Seattle. I'm sure I've changed, but not THAT MUCH. Some places are just hard to make friends. (And some ages are easier/harder. College tends to be a lot easier than once everyone has kids and not a lot of time.) It might be worth considering a change in scenery.
2. Try finding activities that you love not because you think they'll net you friends, but rather because you *like* them. Let friendships evolve organically from playing board games/knitting/putting on plays/IDK, whatever you like doing. There's a hint of a sense from your post that you're almost trying to *force* friendships, and I think that rarely works. (Most evolve naturally because you meet someone at an activity you both like, you continue doing it, and talk turns from the activity to more personal stuff.)
3. Invite people to things. You'll be rejected. A lot. It sucks. With that said, you miss every chance you don't take. Keep it cheap and simple and something you'd do anyway (e.g. "I want to go hiking this weekend, want to join me?") Eventually someone will likely accept. These are your people.
4. Definitely don't dump feelings on people first thing (NO, BAD!!!). But...long term, it does come off as kind of funny if a friend *never* talks about anything more serious than the weather. It's perfectly fine, for instance, to say, "hey, friend, I'm feeling down, willing to listen to me gripe for a half hour?" or "hey, friend, I need a ride to my doctor's appointment and was hoping you could take me". As long as you're willing to hear no (and aren't asking all the freaking time), that's often the kind of thing that deepens friendships. (People like to feel like they're needed.)
Anyway, I'm hoping things get better. Many virtual hugs.
Thank you for your support, I really appreciate your compassion and understanding. I never thought about what you said about your moral code, it's worth thinking about. Most of the time I'm ok emotionally, and I go on trying to enjoy life the best I can, and I do. I love my life, just wish I could have that one special friend ya know, of the same sex. But there are times when It just overwhelms me and I get sad. I'm grateful for groups like this where people are there for others.
Thank you for responding to my post, and for the suggestions. I appreciate the time you took. I've done the things you've suggested for a long time, and then I stopped. And I do not dump my problems in people, but I have confided some things with those I feel are trustworthy. Maybe I need to start trying again, as you say, new enviornment and all. The one thing I do have issues with is cliques. And you find them all over everywhere.
You're very welcome. I'm hoping things get better.
New environments can be very helpful. I do think there are places where it's much harder to make friends than others, and that can be a major factor, unfortunately. Fingers crossed and hoping things improve!