How to deal with disrespectful husband
Married 18months, together nearly 10yrs. I can't cope with husbands attitude about me. We both work full time, but I always do the cooking dispute asking him to help. He hates cooking, but will do clearing up. He says to people I can do what I want, but his behaviour says otherwise. Tonight I had a run on treadmill he told me to hurry up as he wanted dinner, I told him to cook himself he said he'd wait for me to finish. He put oven on during my run and got stuff out of freezer so assumed he was getting on with it. When I finished I was messaging sister about paint colours and started to paint samples on paper to help us choose. He got argumentative as I asked him to finish sorting dinner, abruptly told me there was no point me painting as I wasn't going to be here much longer to decide on paint as he didn't want to be with me anymore. This happens frequently if I ask him to do stuff he doesn't like. Told me I'm a cow and we end up arguing. I told him he's pathetic and his behaviour is disgusting. He was only putting chips in oven and cooking himself an omelette, and told me he hadn't dobe anything for me as he thought I was cooking dinner. He then said who's going yo clear up? And assumed I wouldn't be doing it! He has always told me and other people I can do what I like, but I tell him that when it comes to it I can't because he reacts like this.
He is always telling me if I don't like things then I know where the front door is. We argue a lot and I'm hurt by how he has handled other issues, mainly with his ex and his children. He kerps telling me he'd be better off without me and I bring nothing to the relationship. I'm so hurt because he says I'm the one who needs to change and hes fine because no one else has problems with him and because he never had issues like this with his ex (she only ever worked part time) he also wants me to type quotes for his business as he's self employed. I know he works hard, but I feel I can't do anything if it upsets his routine. He says I need to see counsellor for my problems and he'd be happy to go too yo tell them I'm the problem. This is just a small part if how we are together and I just wish I could get him to have some sympathy.
It's not so much about having sympathy, it's about having respect and understanding within your marriage. You need to organise the counselling session and hold your husband to it about going along because the pair of you need to sort it. You guys need to understand that a successful marriage is about sharing and getting things done without the conflict. It's not healthy, it's uncalled for and it's definitely not the done thing to be abused by your husband when you work full time, cook, plus do the paperwork for his business as well...in fact, he needs to learn to do his own paperwork.
The biggest issue is that your selfish husband thinks it's normal and his right to abuse you, and tells you where the door is if you don't like it, regardless if anyone else has ever had problems with him. Sure he works hard, but his stress levels aren't healthy for him, for you and your marriage.
I have told him he is emotionally abusing me, but he laughs and turns it around to make it my fault. I've told him I know I'm not innocent and we both have issues and we both have to make an effort, but he has come home tonight and when I've tried up talk to him he has said that although he feels guilty for what he said, apparently I let him down as the arrangement is I have to cook, even though last night he literally had chips and omelette! I told him when I was on treadmill I saw him get something from freezer so thought wow! he's getting me something too (I'm vegetarian and font like eggs) but he was just getting the dog food out to defrost. I tell him he's selfish and it backfires as he just turns every argument around and make it my fault. He has always brushed everything under the carpet and never deals with anything which is why trivial things escalate.
I told him that when I confided in him and said I'm nervous about the graduation photos I thought he would say 'don't worry as we'll be there together and you have me for support' he laughed and shrugged it off.
I don't know what I can do to make him change his attitude? He has got worse. I've told him I feel lonely, tried to confide in him, but I no longer trust him to be there for me. He is a robot and I tell him he's like a 1950s husband!
At the end of the day, your best bet is counselling, but go together. You've been together for nigh on 10 years, but if he doesn't share your values and emotionally puts you down and verbally abuses you when he feels like it, then it's telling you that (in his mind) you have always stood behind him, instead of being beside him, no matter of where you actually wanted and needed to stand.
Being supportive is a two way street in any relationship, where sharing responsibilities is what creates respect for each other and brings two people closer together. The lack of it is a recipe for conflict and arguments which solve absolutely nothing.
Your husband comes across as the guy who'll come home to an empty house one day and wonder where it all went wrong, but ultimately, still blame his better half for it.
Hi LEXUS2002: My first thought is, what happened in his first marriage (relationship)? Was he married or just in a relationship? How long? I ask this to see if there is a pattern of behaviors in all his relationships, or if you are stimulating something different in him.
If you can establish a pattern of behavior on his part that is consistent in his previous and current relationships perhaps with honest and non threatening dialogue, you can hold him accountable regarding this behaviors with you. This may take some professional help and should include the two of you.
If, however, his past behavior with his ex is different than what he is demonstrating with you, be honest with yourself. This also, may require professional help, again, including both of you. After all, your marriage is a promise and is worth fighting for.
Let us know how this works out for both of you.