My friend dilemma!!
Hi all. I am new here, because I am trying to get some advice, that I can't really find the answer to anywhere else. Okay, here is my dilemma. I am a 50 year old divorced guy. My friend is a 50 year old married woman, with 5 children, and I have known her since High School, and we are really good friends.
We talk with each other almost everyday, and we like all the same things, and have so much in common. We talk about everything from sports, politics, weather, gardening, TV shows, movies, etc.
Now here's the problem, I Love Her. Yes, I love her as a friend, but I love her, love her as well. I mean I certainly don't want to ruin her marriage with her husband, or ruin her family life, or anything, I'm just not sure if I should tell her my true feelings for her, because I don't know if that might even ruin things between us!?
It's just we both have so many things in common, and love so much of the same things, that deep down in my heart, I truly believe that she is my soulmate in this life, but unfortunately, our paths went different directions somewhere in life.
And being 50 years old already, I'm getting up there in life, plus say something were to happen to me tomorrow, like I get hit by a car crossing the street, and I don't make it. She will have never known my true feelings for her, that I really love her with all my heart.
I'm so confused over what to do!? Please help, and offer me advice!!
[I certainly don't want to ruin her marriage with her husband, or ruin her family life] this is what will happen if you say anything to her.
Think about this: My friend is a 50 year old married woman, with 5 children.
Now that you're in this woman's life (to walk away) will be hard,but you must do the right thing.
She doesn't say anything at all about any problems with her husband, or leaving him. But she tells me everyday how "awesome I am", and how "very special" I am to her. I hear this almost daily, and so it confuses me even more 😩
Maybe all this is because I am alone, and lonely, and have no companionship in my life. And if I tell that I love her as something more than a friend, then she will most likely reject that, and shy away, and then I risk losing her as a friend for many years, all the way back from high school.
So I take all the risk here with probably no gain, but everything to lose including her as a friend. But still this is really hard for me to not tell her my true feelings for her. 😢😥
[She doesn't say anything at all about any problems with her husband, or leaving him.] There will be problems,if you say,or do,anything.
Then you will lose her as a friend. :(
Hi METSFAN1: Thanks for sharing. It is difficult to have feelings for someone and not be able to share those feelings. But perhaps you are. Your behaviors in this friendship must be very meaningful to your friend to have kept this friendship for so long. They are probably "saying" a lot to her.
You are now suggesting you may want to change this interaction with her. If you were to do this, as a friend (or lover), who's interest are you serving? A good friend (as I believe you are) will always have their friend's best interest in mind above their own. Will she be better served with your love, or the love of her current family? If she was to leave her family, would there ever be regrets, remorse, or guilt on her part? Would these emotions compromise your relationship with her? Satisfying your loneliness, may cause hers. Did you ever have similar feelings with your first wife? How long did they last? What happen? Could that happen with your friend after you and her start a different life together; different than you have now?
Finally, if you love her, this is about her, not you.
Keep in touch.
[If she was to leave her family] She wouldn't do this because she would lose her husband and five children. Therefore,if you love her, this is about her, not you.
Okay but now everything has changed!! Last night she starts texting me,at 1 am in the morning because she is really depressed. I ask her what the heck is going on, so she tells me she had to spend all day cleaning their house, to get it ready for Easter, and all this stuff about how miserable she is in her marriage!! She tells me that her and her husband fight all the time. She tells me that he is very mean to her, calling her names all the time like "ugly", and a "worthless whore".
She tells me they haven't had sex in over 2 years, and how they sleep in separate bedrooms with him sleeping upstairs, and her sleeping downstairs. I ask her what this is all about, and she says its because when he comes home from work, he has angry outbursts if their huge 6 bedroom, 4 bathroom, 5,000 square foot mansion and yard isn't spotless clean when he comes home from work.
If he comes home from work, and the bathroom is dirty, or the kitchen floor isn't spotless, he gets angry and calls her names.
She actually showed me pictures of Black and Blue bruises all over her legs!! I ask her what that is ( thinking that he is hitting her? ), but she tells me its from her being her on her hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom floors every damn day, because if he comes home from work,and sees 1 spot of dirt on the floor, his angry, ugly outbursts start. She says her knees hurt her so much from cleaning the kitchen floor 7 DAYS A WEEK, that she thinks she now needs knee surgery to relieve all the swelling in her knees!!
So I ask her what she is going to do? She tells me that her whole life is her 5 children, and she needs to be there for them, and with them.
We texted back and forth until 6 am in the morning!! I told her about how much I care for her, but no I didn't tell her I love her, but very much wanted to!! :(
So now what do I do!? I'm an emotional wreck here!!!! HELP!!!!!
She is in a marriage where her husband controls her.METSFAN1,how do you want to help her with this?
Thanks for the update. This is a completely different situation, now. What remains the same, however, is it is still about her.
In your first post you mentioned you talk about everything and you have been close friends for so long, why didn't this come up before, I wonder. This, if accurate, is spousal abuse, and no one has to stay in a relationship like this and she may be able to take legal action against her husband. She may want to contact Social Services. They will be able to advise as to what to do next.
Keep us informed, and good luck.
8TWENTY8, thanks for all the support so far, I really appreciate it. Yes, we talk about everything, but the relationship with him only came up last night because he made her stay up until 1 am in the morning cleaning the entire house all by herself with no help. She wanted to go to bed, but then he made her go outside in the dark at 2 am in the morning by herself, to hide Easter Eggs in the dark yard!
All I know is that I am an emotional train wreck right now, and can't even think straight, because while I have known her since high school, but I have secretly been in love with her for the last 3 years. I love her with all my heart,and I have to listen to her tell me all that stuff last night :(
I am so sorry this is happening to both of you. Please get some legal or social counseling on this. Not only is you friend being abused, her children are indirectly be hurt.
What you may need to painfully accept is that her marriage is still worth saving. Having said that, the home environment must change for that to happen.