No children, has me spinning out
AKA - Apr 14 2021 at 21:46
When my wife and I got married, we agreed that we would wait 5 years to have children. We had read that most marriages fail within the first 5 years, so that is why we chose that period to wait. We didn't want to risk bringing children into a failed marriage.
During those 5 years, her Mother passed away. She told me that she didn't want children after that, because she always counted on her mom to help her through it. I understood and tried not to pressure her, hoping she would change her mind.
We have now been married 15 years. Her sister has had 5 children (hoping for a 6th) and her father has stepped up massively and helps them whenever they need it.
And we have lost our chance. We can't afford adoption, and we are both turning 40 soon and the Dr's recommend that we don't try now for various reasons, among them being too old.
I've accepted that this isn't going to happen for us. But it has been on my mind a lot, and as much as I try to downplay it, it really bothers me. There are days when I find it difficult, to NOT loathe her.
Multiple people have told me that I should divorce her and find someone new, but I don't want to do that. It is partially my fault for allowing it to happen without pushing back, and I don't believe in divorce unless under extreme circumstances.
I've been spending time with relatives that have kids, and really enjoy it. Trying to be the best Uncle I can and those moments are great, but afterwards I get depressed all over again.
I really don't know how to get past this.
I'm not sure either...
But what I might do is look at your options (the pros and cons) of each.
You can get a divorce and try with someone else. At 40, kids aren't impossible.
You can be a great uncle to your nieces and nephews and maybe even find a child somewhere who could use an older "uncle" type (think the CASA programs or Big Brothers/Sisters). This isn't the same as having kids, but it may make you feel like you're playing an important, paternal role in someone's life.
You can try to convince your wife (although that seems unlikely).
Choose one. Think about all the great reasons why you chose that option. And then be happy with it.
Let's say you choose to stay with your wife. Remind yourself that this is *your* decision. You love her and are happy with her. You love your nieces and nephews. Not having kids gives you more time/energy for other things you may value. There's no guarantee you'd find someone else.
I think looking at the positives and trying not to dwell too hard on the negatives is vital for a positive outlook.
(And as someone who is single at 40...at least you have someone else. That's more than I have and is worth feeling a certain degree of joy in.)