Met my husband years ago, but lived in separate states, he wasn’t kind to me at the time, but we were young and dumb. We end up talking again through Facebook. At this point we are living across the country. Me in California working my first job in my career and him in Florida. After a few months I decide to quit my job and move out to be with him. I even bought a ring to ask him to marry me. He decides to meet me halfway in Texas and that’s where on the same night, I propose (he says yes) and I get pregnant.
Before this I need to mention that while I was preparing to move to Florida he cheated on me, just making out, or so I thought (will mention again). This had a pretty big impact on me I know a lot of people see that as a grey area but I took it hard. For the next 2 years, one of which I was pregnant and then post pregnant, I was over compensating sexually. Trying to get him to want me and stay, I didn’t realize what this was doing to psychologically.
During the second year I started reading romance and erotica novels. I convinced myself that it was fine, they’re just books, that’s it’s fantasy and not real life. But I began to resent my husband because he didn’t act like the main characters. I began to see him as lacking. The sex for me became obligation, especially with a one year old. He’s always had a problem that the longer he’s in a relationship the worse the sex gets, he can’t last long no matter how hard he tries.
During the 3rd year, after a very hard move to a different state, in a small desert town, and during a pandemic, things seemed to even out. He started unjustifiably to accuse me of cheating with my boss, which was unfounded and shocked me. I know it was because he felt something was wrong though with us, with our sex life. I did my best to talk things out and make him realize that I wasn’t cheating nor had I even thought about it.
Then I met Him. He worked at a nearby gas station, at first I thought nothing of him, just a guy that works there. I wasn’t even that particularly attracted or interested at all. I loved my husband and only thought of him. Then one day I was trying to look nice, mostly out of pandemic boredom and he looked at me differently then any other time. Like he wanted me and I liked it, though I at the time wrote it off and was like oh that dude is attracted to me and didn’t really think anything else of it. But he kept creeping back into my mind to the point I would imagine him when masturbating. Still I didn’t do anything though.
My husband wasn’t happy where we were and he made me quit my job and move back to the State where we both grew up. I didn’t know it at the time but I resented him for this. I had found a good paying job in my career where others are struggling and he wanted me to quit with no future job prospects and move to a place I hadn’t lived in 12 years.
I don’t know when or what the moment was, but I started to convince myself that I wanted Him, just once, to feel something. That I deserved it. During the last month we lived there, I gave him my number. We start talking and I find out he too is married unhappily. Thus started a 1 month affair where we “fell” for each other. We told each other we loved one another, that he wanted me to stay. I didn’t though, I ended it and we moved. But we stayed in contact.
We talked more and I fell for him more. My husband found out about everything and that’s when Him and I stopped talking, or more accurately he did and blocked me. I’m glad he did because it’s allowed me to get a clear head about the situation and that we didn’t really love each other. How could we really?
Now in the aftermath, at one point my husband decided he didn’t want to be with me anymore, for a week. He changed his mind because he says he loves me and doesn’t want to plan a separate life and separate our child. During that week though and past it I’ve realized that maybe I was never in love with my husband. I love him yes, but I don’t think I want to be with him anymore. We've tried to revitalize our sex life too, but it just hasn’t felt the same. I feel lost and don’t know what to do.
Forgot to put down that when he found out I cheated he hen admitted that he had cheated more than making out but had sex.
Also I completely regret cheating and hurting my husband rather than just talking to him. I’m ashamed of myself every day and hate the pain in my husbands eyes which I caused
The decision to have an affair is involved, yet there are some fundamental reasons people choose to cheat. Choosing to start an affair isn't an overnight decision. The person or persons entering into the affair have to weigh out the pros and cons, realize what damage it could bring to their marriage, and decide if it is worth the effort, secrecy, and potential guilt that may come with the territory.
So, what are the underlying reasons people choose to start an affair?
Sex is a large reason that someone may start up an affair. They may not be getting sexual satisfaction from their marriage that they want, or perhaps they are looking for more sexual experiences than the marriage arrangement offers. Being sexually unsatisfied isn't to say that the person is unsatisfied with the marriage. Instead, when it comes to sex, the dissatisfaction is too much to handle, and they start looking for a sexual fulfillment that they are not finding in their marriage.
Another big reason people may look for an extramarital relationship is the need for emotional validation. It could be that their partner in the marriage is emotionally distant or withholds emotions from them. Or, maybe there is emotional validation in the marriage, but they seek more of it than is being given. Emotional closeness and validation are essential to the human psyche. You need them to live a fulfilling and healthy life. When someone doesn't receive emotional closeness and validation, they can begin to look for it elsewhere, ultimately finding it in the affair.
Sometimes, people say they have fallen out of love with their marriage partner. They once were deeply in love, but that feeling has grown colder over time. Falling out of love may cause someone to look elsewhere for companionship. Conversely, someone may say they had fallen in love with the person they are having an affair with wither before the affair began or throughout the affair. In both situations, the feelings of love are driving the choice.
What About the Marriage?
Whatever the reason was given for the affair, it is going to affect the marriage. When both people involved in the affair are married, two marriages are going to be impacted by the affair. Deceit and betrayal are bound to hurt the marriage relationships on both sides. If there is going to be a repair in the marriage, it is going to take much work.
While an affair doesn't necessarily mean the end of a marriage, it does mean there is a change in the marriage. Things won't suddenly go back to the way they were once the affair ends. The rebuilding of trust must happen, and rekindling love may have to happen.
Ending the Affair
Affairs rarely become a long-term relationship. Typically, they are short-lived and come to an end. The person who breaks off the affair may be feeling guilt and grief about their marriage. Or, someone may have discovered the affair. There may be any number of circumstances for the ending of the affair. However, typically, the affair ends in one of three ways.
One Person Breaks It Off
The Affair Is Found Out
The Affair Ends
After the Affair
Whatever the end of the affair looks like, dealing with the aftermath of the affair must happen. When both people in the affair are married, both need to deal with the consequences of the affair. Dealing with the consequences may mean ending the marriage, sweeping the affair under the rug and pretending like it never happened, or admitting to the affair and working to repair the marriage.
The truth is, an affair begins because people want to be wanted. It's nice to have the extra attention, either because they are not getting the attention in their marriage or because getting extra attention feels extra lovely. Coming to terms with giving up that feeling of extra attention can be challenging. There may be some grief about the ending of the affair, in addition to the guilt about the marriage.
Navigating these emotions can be tricky and challenging. It may be a good idea to seek professional help to deal with the emotions and fall out of the affair.
Repairing the Marriage
If it's decided that the marriage is worth saving, it is going to be a long, steep road back to a healthy relationship between spouses. When dealing with broken trust from an affair, you must also deal with the underlying reasons; otherwise, an affair is likely to happen in the future.
It can take work from both spouses to repair the marriage. This work can be difficult, tricky, and feel impossible to do on your own. and your partner navigates the emotions, actions, and results of the affair, giving you tools and tips to help you both do the work of fixing the broken marriage. Healing is possible; it may take work, and the more help you have, the better the healing process can be.
While there is no foolproof way of bulletproofing your marriage against an affair, there are some practices that you and your partner can do to avoid one of you looking for validation, sex, and love elsewhere. The primary key is open and honest communication.
Are you feeling like sexual chemistry is lacking in the relationship? Talk about it. Be open about your needs and listen to your partner. If you feel like you need extra attention and emotional validation, be sure you say something. You cannot get your needs met if you never voice them.
An open and honest dialogue can help your marriage in many ways.
Knowing what the other person's expectations and needs may are go a long way towards preventing an affair.