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Please help, my partner has a porn problem

My partner (M55) and I (F53) met 4 ½ years ago. After 3 month of dating I wanted to end the relationship as he hardly expressed any affection. He is very generous buy buying things, dinners and providing in general but he never looks into my eyes, ask questions, shows an interest in my work or projects, answers only with yes or no and doesn't strings more then four sentences together – and still doesn't when he is with me. After the mentioned 3 month he told me when I wanted to break up with him that he would love me. So I continued the relationship and thought that it was my fault when things weren't right. There was an incident when he was starring at other women but never told me that he found me attractive, When I spoke to him about it he said that he always noticed other women and that he wouldn't be with me if he wouldn't find me attractive. Somehow I started to feel insecure and upset and it went so far that I went to my GP and got anti-depressions which had a kind of “kiss my a**” effect. I had quite a few very unpleasant experiences in the past regarding unfaithfulness with previous partners, which also emotional and physically abused me. Afterwards things developed positive and after 9 month we moved in together. By then I told him about my life, at least most of it but stopped when he didn't shown an interest. He never told me anything about him out of himself but answered short when I asked. I still don't know much about him. During that time I found out that he was quite a bit into pornography. I addressed it and explained that I can't except it and that our relationship is still young and we could go separate ways if needed. He didn't want me to leave and promised he would step back from it. Half a year later, or so, I found out that he was reading on sex websites. When I confronted him he said that he wasn't aware reading on pornographic websites would be the same. I expressed my feelings again and mentioned I feel disrespected as he had broken his promise. He said he now realises what kind of impact it has on me, that he is very sorry and it won't happen again. Another year and a half went by and everything seemed to developed into a good relationship and haven't had another incident. After 2 years we got engaged and he bought a house in a little village, a dream we both had. I have to mention that he is working over seas, a few weeks home and nearly the same amount of time away. Last summer I've seen on an online magazine app that he looked again at porno graphical magazines. Who is actually looking at magazines these day's when there are so many live websites? I asked him about it after he returned from his work trip. He said that he needed something while he was away and an explanation followed another. I told him that I wouldn't get married if it doesn't stop. Also I have to mentioned that he looked at undressed women. Suddenly he became a very loving, more then usual and a very caring partner and I was very happy and even haven't had any doubts. We were planning on getting married but Covid delayed it. Now he is at work again, over seas and probably for another 10 days. In the night from Saturday to Sunday I suddenly woke up, couldn't go back to sleep and started to read some craft magazines. The online magazine account is shared and synchronised. I found a hidden away magazine he just had downloaded and read -and this time it was pornography that only shows men. I know I cant go on like this and feel extremely disappointed, hurt and sad and I would be very grateful for some advice how to handle this situation. I can not just leave as I haven't got the financial backing and it have been 4 years of our lives. Also I haven't got really anybody to go to. It's not easy to just let go and meanwhile I'm asking myself if he might struggle with something far deeper. Many thanks in advance and I hope everybody is well in these uncertain times!

Please help, my partner has a porn problem

Step back and have a look at the pattern that's developed; your guy works away for 10 days or so at a time & uses porn, then comes home to you. At the end of the day, you know very little about him even after 4 years, but if he uses porn, he probably has done so for years. Porn is OK in a relationship, but it needs to be a shared interest and when it's not and one uses it, the other partner who doesn't, tends to become hurt and insecure. Your guy comes across as someone who's addicted to it and has a habit. If that's the case, as with any other addiction, it'll be all his effort to fix it, if he deems it serious enough. Until then, nothing will change other than him trying to hide it more skilfully from you. Your challenge is accepting it or you don't. If you guys don't share any values and interests, then you need to ask yourself why you are together and you need to look at the fact that by his actions alone, you can't trust him anymore. While you demand that he stops using porn because it offends you and disrespects your relationship, you're basically giving him an ultimatum then and there.

Please help, my partner has a porn problem

Thank you for your reply. Yes, your statement is correct. I tried talking to my Partner several times but he likes to avoid confrontation and turns the issues straight around. I tried talking in an assertive way, also wrote him a letter so that I was responding and just let the facts speak instead of my emotions. Didn't make any difference and he doesn't want to go counselling with me either. I'm so upset as he knew from the beginning that it is a deal breaker, probably my fault as I thought we could work through the issue. All the years he was aware of it and nearly a year now was everything fine and now this "surprise".... It really hurts.

Please help, my partner has a porn problem

786 profile image
As you mentioned that he never told you anything about himself and still you don't know much about him. So are you sure he never hade sex with someone else during work over seas! guy or girl doesn't matter the matter is what if he came with some deadly disease like "Aids" from some other partner and transfer in you ? so my friend! Please don't mind but My suggestion is that, you need to move out from that relationship quickly Bless You ....

Please help, my partner has a porn problem

786 profile image
only one thing to remember life never end because of an unworthy person I know that things are getting hard now, but trust me, it will get better. You can get through this,

Please help, my partner has a porn problem

You are right, actually I go no idea what he's really up to overseas. He calls and messages every day but because of the hiding of porn and repeating pattern I got my doubts. When he is at home, he always makes phone calls when I'm not in the room, even to work. He also doesn't like to have his photograph taken and he is a hoarder. He is very generous but I'm not a materialistic person. I prefer true love, faithfulness and affection to an overload of goods. When I address emotional issues, the only reply I'm getting is to look around the house and to appreciate everything he got for us.

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