Husband or daughter
MOMMY1995 - May 4 2021 at 12:36
I'll try to make this as short as possible. My husband has an anger issue and my daughter is scared of him so she has chosen not to come back to my house while he's living there. I don't know what to do. She's 13. I feel like I'm having to choose between my husband and my daughter. I need advice!!
Your daughter is telling and showing you, in a big way, she’s scared, by not coming to your house and who can blame her really ?
She’s only 13, it sounds like she needs support. She probably misses you and wants to see you but (sensibly) won’t put herself in that position where she’s exposed his anger. It’s good she can live somewhere else.
your husband needs to look at his anger, start to make changes and get some help. While he’s sorting himself out, See her as much as you can outside your homes so she feels some sort of normality and your relationship with her is still good. She would need to know he’s changing,( if he’s prepared to)and take it at her pace.
Surely his anger issues affects you too?
Small and middle-aged children constantly exposed to anger from a father may become increasingly fearful in the home environment, afraid of doing or saying something wrong and inviting a father’s disapproval or anger.
Constant fear over the reaction of a father or fearing his anger may lead a child, regardless of age or gender, to become overly anxious and worried. Anxiety may express itself in different ways, from poor grades in school to an inability to make friends to bed wetting or fear of the dark or even phobias. Older children may grow confused and depressed, states Phobias-help.com, which sometimes leads to suicidal thoughts or acts.
Low Self Esteem
A child constantly exposed to anger may feel he or she can't do anything right, seriously affecting self-confidence and self-esteem. A child may feel that nothing she does will gain approval from an angry father, a situation which may develop into an overall lack of concern over personal hygiene, safety, or states of depression. In such cases, a depressed child, especially teens, may end up drinking or using drugs.
A child constantly exposed to anger by a father figure may very well become an angry individual, resentful of authority in any shape or form, states AngerManagement.com. Such anger may present in behavior problems at school, both with his peers and with teachers and generally disturbing or disruptive behavior in social environments.
Make your husband ineffective in getting what he wants through anger.
He must learn that shouting, threatening, and withdrawing will not get him what he wants. If you give in to his anger, you will never get him to give up using anger as a manipulating tool. Be firm in your refusal; do not have any discussion about it.
Refusing to argue helps to put the issue to rest quickly so that you can both move on to other things. The next time you see him, be friendly and pretend like nothing ever happened. He will know how to treat you and daughter better, anger issues, or not.
I would also leave...
My advice, talk to your daughter. Support her because she needs her mother. It's not a out choosing.
Get your husband help. If he won't make the appointment, you need to do it for his sake and for your family's sake.
If you say he has anger issues, I'm assuming this bothers you as well?
The difference between you and your daughter is that you've learned to live with it, you're used to it.
She is not.
Family counseling, everyone needs support here.
Sending your family love and I hope your daughter is okay! Give her a big hug.
Great advice has been given to you already. I feel like I'm repeating it. I don't see why a choice has to be made between the two. Your 13 year old daughter is clearly your priority here along with a lot of support from her mum. She's so clever to make the decision not to be around your husband.