Walking on eggshells with family of origin
Hi all. My name is Rose. I have finally come to terms with the fact that my family of Origin is toxic. My dad is a supreme narcissist and prescription drug addict/abuser, my mother enables him and does deal with some depression, and my sister is just downright mean and vicious. I am the scapegoat.
Father: always been abusive. made me into the person who took care of him rather than the other way around. started taking to me about his sex life with my mom when I was about 5 years old. He has verbally, emotionally, and physically abused me during my childhood and teenage years. As I got older and stopped speaking to him as much, he will call the police over to my house to tell me to contact him. He has threatened to call DFCS and employ his grandparent rights to see my kids. I just don't want them around all of that. When I try to set boundaries he says, "there is no such thing as boundaries in our family" and continues to do whatever I just asked him to do or not to do. You cannot just talk to this man. He is explosive over the smallest things. I tell him that I don't want him to drive my son to football practice because he is a terrible, terrible driver and is on a fentanyl patch plus several opiods and narcotics. He goes into a rage, repeatedly bashing his head into a wall and threatening suicide.
I had a heart attack about 3 weeks ago. He came up with my mom to see me and told me I didn't have a heart attack, that my uncle did and his situation was a lot worse (he is always telling me that some other person has it worse than me. I don't understand why it is even a competition?). Then all he could talk about was how he did so terrible in a heart cath and how bad he needed a refill on his fentanyl patch. he was like I run out in two days and none of the pharmacies here will fill it and I really think they have it and are just hiding it from me. He takes pain meds 24/7 and always makes a big deal over it. Like he will say, I have got to take my inhaler, then take it from his pocket, bend all the way over to where his head is about to touch the floor and then sucks in really loud as he straightens back into an upright position. He has an ECG on his phone and is constantly checking that and telling me about it.
Mom: She has never, ever done anything to get me and my brother out of the way of my dad. She says she is sorry for it, yet when my dad exploded on my son after he asked him to quiet down after I was home from my heart attack (which I was not aware of until after my parents left as he didn't want to upset me with my heart doing so funny) she did nothing. She is very manipulative and believes that she can not only control me and my brother with gentle coaxing or passive aggressive comments but also her doctors into giving her what she wants. When my parents get into explosive fights (all during my childhood and straight up to this day) my dad demands she gets in the car with him which she does for whatever reason where he drives crazy down the road and states how he is going to wreck and kill them both. He has also told us several times that when he does he wants and hopes that we feel guilty for the rest of our lives for the way we have treated him (mistreating him, in his mind, is as simple as setting a boundary or arguing against his opinion or not doing what he demands you to do and quickly). My mom is an enabler and stays with him despite the way he treats her and me and my brother.
My brother is just deranged. He has called CPS on me because of the things he believes is happening in my chosen family. Please note that I have had kids for 15 years and in that time, he has never had my son over for a night or weekend or taken him to the mall or wherever he might want to go. He barely speaks to me when he has a girlfriend and then when he doesn't expects me to be there for him. He has not visited me in 8 years and then wants to tell me how bad of a mother I am when he has no clue what is even going on in my life. He cannot keep a stable relationship. He, like my dad, flies off the handle at anything and whatever he might find upsetting (that whole boundary setting thing again and also his opinions which are not just opinions in his head but straight fact) until the point I am walking on eggshells around him. Just say the wrong word and it is an explosion. He also tells me that I am breaking up the family when I start to step back from them and that mom and dad were good to us and don't deserve me acting like a b***h to them. I am only trying to protect myself.
I am 42. My brother is 40. My mom is 60 and my dad is 72.
My family and I (husband and 2 children) are moving out of state, thank goodness, and I don't really want them to be a part of my life anymore. My dad says weird things like "don't think you can get away from me, I know where you are" but he doesn't because I've never told him where we were moving to. Should I just move and not tell them and just cut all ties? I just feel like I am doing something wrong just by moving away.
Move and don't tell them and just cut them off .
Start your new life without them.
From what you wrote, it sounds like they have done nothing good for you.
It's hard to cut off family.
I feel like that's why you wrote here because you wanted reassurance.
If you're family is toxic which it seems that they are, then you have to cut them off.
You have to otherwise it will cost your wellbeing.
Go to therapy, heal yourself, forgive yourself and start anew.
Love them from afar but love yourself and your family first.
Good luck and you're in my prayers.
Narcissists will not let anyone “ detach” from them because they must exert power over their “ prey.” Expect some antics from him and everyone else who have used you.
Move. Don’t complain or don’t explain about it. Smile, wave goodbye and don’t look back.
See it as a way you can keep breathing.
Your husband needs to support and protect you in all this, too.