What do I do about my dad?
I don't really have anywhere else to put this, as I tried telling my friend and she said: "well that's bad but my dad is worse" and I have nowhere else to turn. I really need advice so any would be appreciated (sorry for grammar mistakes it's late at night and I'm tired):
So my dad has bipolar and used to take medicine until I was about 7. Something happened and he stopped. My mom is also bipolar but takes medication, but she has issues with motivation which is why our house is a wreck. My brother has undiagnosed Autism, Aspergers, something, he shows all the symptoms (inappropriate social interaction, poor eye contact, intense interest in a limited number of things, and problem paying attention are big ones) but since we can't afford to get him diagnosed. I am really the only person in my family who is kind of mentally healthy, although I am diagnosed with social anxiety. We have been homeschooled since November of 2020, I usually stay with my grandparents, and my parents own a tattoo shop (my mom has been screwed over by my dad and grandad, basically cut out of the whole shop).
Now that you have the backstory, my brother always has to step on eggshells around my dad. I do too, but I'm more concerned for him, as he cannot tell when people are angry or sad or happy by their facial expressions, they have to verbally express it.
For example, we were coming home from a New Year's party. I was about 9, and my brother was 7. I had gotten a kazoo, and my brother hadn't. since I was 9 I didn't want to share. I just got out my phone and watched youtube, ignoring my surroundings. Apparently, he was crying and kicking my dad's seat. My mom was telling him to stop by raising her voice, but my dad screamed, "[brother's name], shut the fuck up or you're grounded". He screamed it, to where I could hear it like he was literally screaming in my ear. My brother didn't stop. He got louder if anything. So my dad got louder while my mom was begging him to stop. I was just silently crying while watching everyone scream at everyone. My dad started driving horribly to scare us, and we almost wreaked. So he got out and started walking, letting my mom drive. I have forgotten some details, as it's been a few years.
Another time, and the most recent big one, is when my dad broke a bunch of stuff because my brother wasn't cleaning his room. I was upstairs, had just woken up, and was in the bathroom. Apparently, for a while my brother had been: running downstairs to my dad, asking him for his Nintendo, running back upstairs, repeat. Now, my brother couldn't tell he was getting angry, so he did this for a few until my dad screamed, somehow louder than the first time, "Clean your fucking room". My brother runs upstairs crying, and my mom runs upstairs after him. I hid in our bathtub. Then, after a few minutes, after I think everything is ok, I hear stuff being broken downstairs. My mom goes downstairs and my dad is breaking a bunch of stuff. My mom starts begging him to stop, but my dad refuses to and keeps yelling about how much he "fucking hates" my brother, my mom, and me. I do not know this for sure, maybe I'm just having issues remembering, but I think my dad slapped my mom. he maybe did, maybe didn't.
Most of the other times have just been him lecturing me and my mom over the smallest things. I feel like the only reason I'm still even having any kind of relationship is that he pays for me to do everything, we both love Eminem, and we both love dark humor. Without that, we probably would have no basis for a relationship at all.
But the only reasons my mom hasn't divorced him yet is;
1. He is not mentally healthy.
2. He keeps on promising he'll change.
3. Since where I live I'm old enough to decide on staying either with my mom or dad permanently (I think that's what it means), but my brother can't.
It's not like my mom is some saint; she's not. But I'd rather spend the rest of my teenage years with her than my dad. Or at least a majority. But if anything I just want my brother to have a normal childhood. If my mom divorced him we would give him our tattoo shop, and we could move to at least a better city or state. We have family in a small German town, which I think my brother would do a lot better in. Here the crime is high, the weather is horrible, and the schools are bad. We can't even go outside alone without being in constant fear of being a victim of crime.
But a big reason why my mom hadn't divorced him, was because we'd be broke without him. That's changing, as she's going back to school for a while to become a real estate agent. She's also been weirdly motivated. Like she's been working on losing weight, cleaning the house, and working on her smoking addiction. I really just want her and my brother to be happy, but I don't want my dad to kill himself or something. He hasn't threatened to end his life, at least to me, but I know he has bipolar and I don't want to cause him to end his life.
(this is my first post on any forum, sorry if I gave too much info or did something wrong)
I’m sorry you are caught between a marriage relationship that is complicated and dysfunctional.
Your mother sounds like she is getting ready to make some lifestyle changes. Have you talked to her about your observations?
As for your father, he sounds like he gets what he wants through manipulation and anger. Really, he is taking care of himself and too selfish to harm himself.
Is there another family member that can help you maneuver thru all this?
Honestly, it sounds like you need to just put your head down, and weather the storm. It isn't really a child's place to fix a bad marriage.
Plus it sounds like your mom is taking steps to be self sufficient and get away from him.
Hi CVSMIXLEAFYY: I need to ask you how old you are? I assume you are still a teenager but you have the maturity of an adult. I guess you need to be the adult in the house. I am so sorry this is happening in your home. Do you have any family members or close adult friends outside the home that can help you manage this environment? Are you aware of other agencies and organizations that are designed to help out families in dysfunctional homes? They are out there. Check the phone book, Internet, Facebook, local churches, and adults in positions of authority. Be careful about sharing confidentiality issues within the family.
Please be aware that mental health issues that go untreated can be unpredictable and certainly unhealthy. Whereas no one can make another's health decisions, compassionate and empathetic communication can help. Also be advised that Medicaid is available to help support you financially. Don't let a lack of money discourage good health decisions. Church groups and other nonprofit organizations are designed to help families that are in difficult financial situations.
Let us know how your requests for help go and where else we may be able to help. Oh, and pray first.