Should I give her a chance?
Dear forum users,
I would like to write about my difficult relationship. I'm aware of the fact that I should seek the help of a psychologist, but for now I can't afford it. Therefore, I will be grateful for any advice or questions from you - maybe they will make me realize something. This is going to be a long story, but in short: I have a lot of doubts about my current relationship. I am a woman and I have been in a relationship with a woman my age for 6 years. However, our relationship has had worse moments, and I have been thinking about breaking up for a long time.
The first bad moment was her fascination with her older friend when we were in our senior year of high school (5 years ago). She started talking about him more and more and spending time with him. Finally she confessed that she had a crush on him. I don't know if anything happened between them. At the time she told me that there was sth, and years later she admitted that at the time she just wanted me to be jealous and that she did not really cheat on me. We broke up then, but still maintained a "friendly relationship".
After the summer vacations I moved to a city 3 hrs away from our hometown to study. We got back together before that. When I moved out, she could not accept that I had a new life there and new friends. I came to my hometown every weekend to see her. I was angry that she was not interested in my life there (she was jealous that I had friends there) and that she was not supportive of me, I was having a hard time and I guess I needed her acceptance. She went to college in a a city an hour from our hometown and was still living with her parents. She soon failed a semester, but hid it from her family. Next year she attempted to pass the college again, failed again, and then again for the third time (same faculty). I tried to support her, explain to her that maybe she should change her major or go to work while she waited for the next academic year, but she only pretended to study, moved to the town where she pretended she studied and lived on money from her parents who thought she was studying (they always treated her badly and she was afraid of the consequences of admitting that she failed her studies). I finished my bachelor's degree and wanted to study further in another city. She promised me that if we went there together, she would get together and go to work.
So I went to do my ma degree. I found an apartment for us and two weeks later she moved into our shared apartment. What is important, our parents didn't know and still don't know that we are together. They simply gave us money to study (I was the only one studying). Our living together didn't work out well - there were constant arguments about silly things (like opening/closing the window or her watching movies late at night while I was lying next to her and trying to sleep for my morning classes), but I also resented the fact that she didn't look for a job, despite her promises, sitting at home all day while I was at university. I argued about the fact that dinner wasn't on the table when I got back from university and she was just in the middle of cooking it, because I thought that if she wasn't doing anything, she could at least cook it on time when I got back. I felt that because I arranged the apartment I had more right to it, so sometimes during an argument I would throw her out of "my room" (she paid less than half the rent and had a smaller room, but we still slept together in mine). It got to the point that almost every evening we drank alcohol - only then we were able to communicate. However, even after drinking we had terrible fights with throwing things at each other, physical violence and slamming doors.
I was relieved when the pandemic forced us to return to our hometown. We didn't see each other for a month after we returned. And then I broke up with her. She couldn't get over it and threatened to kill herself multiple times. I didn't know what to do. She was and still is having a hard time in the family home and this breakup was killing her. I felt that she might actually do something to herself and that I was responsible for her. During this time she became seriously ill - she was in hospital and it was already very bad with her - once she was in a severe condition and had an operation. And through all these health situations I realized that she still meant a lot to me...I went back to her. I wanted to be there for her and help her get better, which soon happened.
Since then she has treated me much better than before. I don't see unhealthy jealousy, she is good to me, she helps me, I can confide in her, she is always there for me when I need it. But I have my doubts. She still hasn't done practically anything with her life. She is still not working or studying, she lives with her parents. I know that the job market in a small town is tough, but I expect something more from my partner. I am about to finish my studies and start working, I will soon become independent from my parents money. I am afraid that my feeling for her is weakening.
I described only the bad moments. There were plenty of good ones too. She is the person who knows me best. I am attached to her. I know that she loves me and that she is looking up to me. She is also the most important person in my life after all. But sometimes after all this time I am losing my strength and think that maybe I should break up with her. I don't know how to talk to her about my doubts and whether to suggest a break or maybe I should focus on the good things she is doing for me.
Have you had similar experiences? I am aware that our relationship was toxic back then, and now it is better but I am wondering is it possible that she changed for better in a really short period of time.
It sounds like she takes an immense amount of energy to have a relationship with. And you are getting tired.
Her behavior has not changed since high school. It’s not going to.
Yet, you stay.
So the real question is - why ?