I think I may have created a toxic environment in my relationship
CATFRIENDLY - Jun 23 2021 at 06:06
I (20F) feel that I've created a toxic relationship with my boyfriend (22M) of almost 2 years. I will be honest that now that I look back at everything it was certainly set up to be toxic and SUPER codependent. I'll start with the beginning and then jump to present day. I met him at work and hit it off pretty well, we had similar interests and seemed really compatible so we went on a handful of dates and then became official. I was living with some friends at the time and our schedules all switched up on each other which left me without rides sometimes as I did not and still do not have a drivers license, so I started asking my boyfriend to take me places like work or the grocery store if I really needed something. Of course the pandemic hit and things changed for a while but even after things opened I was still asking for rides but way more frequently.
Present time is that I'm still getting rides from him and sometimes my parents but I've begun driving lessons so that I can stop having to rely on others. Now it sounds like a great thing, getting my license, however it's tearing me apart. I've enjoyed so much having someone care about me and take care of me that I don't really want it to end. The closer I get to my license the further and less in love I feel with my boyfriend. I'm currently at a point in my relationship where hugging, cuddling, and spending time together feels very nice and comfortable but anything past that like kissing and other ~acts~ just feels gross. It's almost as if the more independent I get the less attractive he becomes. TMI? He used to smell so good to me but now he just smells kind of normal and gross sometimes.
A short but meaningful piece of information is that I think he's noticed I'm less into him OR he's actually less into me. He's stopped initiating text conversations, facetimes, and phone calls and it all relies on me now. It's like I'm just there for his entertainment in person but outside of that he doesn't really care. He's only interested in kissing and sex when I've been around him these past couple of weeks and I've been avoiding it the best I can but... sometimes he's far too forward for my liking.
The questions I have running through my mind are: is this just a phase? Am I going to become completely unattracted to him when I'm 100% independent? Have I been subconsciously using him? These are answers I won't have until I'm completely independent. A question that I would like to pose for anyone reading is do you think I should cut things off and come back when I'm independent? It'd be like a whole different relationship and I could really get my real perspective instead of as someone who is codependent. I'm scared of a breakup just as I think most people are and I definitely don't want an Olivia Rodrigo drivers license moment but I feel like I'm headed that way. Even if I'm not attracted to him anymore I did love him at one point and it will definitely hurt.
It sounds as though you have already made up your mind in regards to your boyfriend. If you are having negative thoughts now I don't see it getting any better. It might be best to let him go and move on with your life. Do breakups hurt? Yes they do. But at the end of the day I think you will be happier because of it.