Too many challenges in my life right now
Please bear with me, if this thread gets quite long
I know that there are many people who are probably worse off than me, and maybe I shouldn´t complain - but right now the sum of all my challenges are just slowly getting a bit too much for me. Let me explain what I mean. For your info, I am 46 years old now:
1) I have a very close connection to my mother. However she is - if not terminally ill - then she hasn´t got that much time left, something which of course is constantly on my mind, giving me very hard times to sleep at night. I can´t remember when I slept through a whole night the last time, and I´m lucky if I have a night with even 3-4 hours of full sleep. It breaks my heart to see how unhappy she is and the lack of sleep slowly breaks me down too.
2) Right now I am also in a (very) long distance relationship with a woman - and have been that for quite some time actually. The Covid-pandemic and other circumstances have not made it possible for us to meet for a long time. She has a kid from her first marriage. As of now she is partly depending on my financial support. The immigration rules in my country don´t really allow her to go here with her kid, that is unless we get married, and I just don´t feel ready for that now. And even if we got married, the immigration rules are very strict here, and I can´t be sure that she will be allowed to stay / live here. I know that it would destroy her totally, if I broke up with her. But I have to say that due to our "separation", Covid-19 etc. - the recent months and years haven´t really made me feel closer to her. And I just feel this long distance relationship can´t go on forever. I feel that she still loves me though, but that constant separation is killing me too, to be honest. She works 90-100 hours a week - with NO weekly off days, and hardly any vacation days - and I feel sorry for her, because I know how extremely hard that is for her.
3) Right now I am in a job that I really hate with all of my guts. I know I should have done something against it long time ago. The boss of the department where I work is a "leadership by fear"-type-of-guy, and - now maybe I am exaggerating - but I think he has some psychopathic traits, or at least he is totally disrespectful in many aspects. Within less than 1 ½ to 2 years - out of a staff of approximately 20 people - there has been a "turnaoround" of people of about 100%. Meaning that 20 people have left the department and new people have been hired. Some people only stayed in the job for a short time. I have had my share of serious talks with my boss, but he is extremely stubborn and won´t change anything. The top-management don´t care, coz my boss "is getting things done". I think the number of people going in and out of the department speaks a clear language though. I DO know that money isn´t everything, but my problem is that it is EXTREMELY difficult to find another work in this area - and my current job pays an okay salary. In addition I have already TWICE in my life changed "career-paths" where I had to accept really substantial reductions in my salary - and I am just tired of that too - considering I am going to 50 soon. Considering the situation of my mother, I cannot really move away a far distance for a new job either, that would not be fair to her, considering I also want to see her as much as possible in the remaining time she has left.
4) In connection with my mothers illness and the roles we had to fill out in my family, helping her in the best way possible etc., I ended up in a big fight with my sister, who I think at that time treated me extremely disrespectful. I know she was sad of my mothers situation too, but I felt she took it all out on me. Before the "incident" it had been possible for me to talk to her about personal stuff. However, for a couple of months after the fight, we didn´t speak a word with each other, but the situation has improved now, and we CAN talk now. However I don´t feel we have the same "connection" as before, and she is not really the person I would turn to now with my personal problems. My father is 120% "old-school" - and he just cannot "handle" those personal talks and NEVER could - I have tried it. In addition he is VERY much against my long distance partner, and I feel he hasn´t always treated my mother in the best way too. He is just NOT in any way my "soul mate".
To be honest I don´t really have any VERY close friends either - not anyone I could share all my thoughts with. In all fairness, I have to say that my long-distance-partner has been a good partner to talk about things with, but she can only give me "digital" / long distance virtual hugs - no real hugs
5) I had many thoughts before I wrote this thread, if I should write what I am writing now, because it might sound like I am a quite pathetic and envious guy. And I KNOW that ALL people will run into struggles throughout their lives
But what really - in an envious kind of way - somehow bothers me too, is seeing how my sister, cousins and other family all have - what seems to be - very good lives, with wifes and kids, and good and well paid jobs. Two of my cousins just paid a fortune for renovating their homes, because they had the money, due to the fact that they took over their dad´s businesses. My brother in law was just offered a very well paid job, and he uses every opportunity to tell me how great that job is. I know this might sound pathetic from my side, but I HONESTLY feel I have struggled like crazy, with my education, performing well in my jobs etc. - but sometimes I just don´t feel the luck is on my side - and it bothers me. Even I have not been "scared" of women, I haven´t managed to create a family at the age of 46 - and I just feel a bit like a failure and feel stuck in many ways - unable to "maneuver" anywhere.
I would REALLY appreciate your thoughts and input on this. I KNOW that I cannot do much about my mothers situation, except for giving her the best time possible for the time she has left. I KNOW I need to do something about my job - but as of now I am in apathy - "accepting" that I hate the job, but it gives me food on the table. I HAVE been having thoughts about just quitting the job, even though I didn´t have a new job yet. Sometimes I feel like I want to do some EXTREME changes in my life - but those are big decisions too. Thanks in advance for your input and thoughts!
PS: I´m sorry if this thread got too long to read for many people
You mother has a husband and a daughter plus medical staff ( hopefully) so why do you burden yourself with this heavy emotional load?
This LD relationship is financially based. ( you can hire a good therapist to talk to you if needed for the same amount of $$ you are sending her. ) Tell her you are no longer able to support her and see what happens. Should be interesting.
Re: your work. Do you see a pattern here? Your “Over Responsibility “‘ temperament with your mother And relationship And boss is the reason you are feeling suffocated with life.
Apply for jobs with a competitive company. You need validation at work. Tell your father to step up giving emotional support to your mother at this time.
Find companionship with a woman in your hometown.
Consider therapy with someone who can help you get some feelings of freedom and satisfaction from your work, family and love life.
Thanks for your comment.
Yeah, sorry but I can´t help feeling sad and getting very emotional about the fact that my mother only has very limited time left, and of course that hurts when you´re closely connected to someone. I do hope though, that most people have the same reaction as me when they learn that a very close relative has received a "death sentence". I can´t do anything about it, I know that, but that does not change the fact that it affects me very much and I have difficulties coping with that. Sometimes ones mind does not always work as rational as one wants it to.
About my LD-partner, I know that by my short description you cannot know every detail about her and us. However, if I felt that my partner was just together with me because of my financial support, I would have kicked her a long time ago. I have met her "physically" and in person several times, she has lived here on a visa for 2 months some time ago, and we have had great times together where I felt real love, so I can not just "skip her" and find another woman "in my hometown", because she is not just a "commodity" to me - but someone I love and I feel that it is mutual. But I DO know that I need to find a solution, because that long distance relationship cannot last forever and it is emotionally draining. I know that it is not good to have too many financial issues in a relationship, but without my financial support, her life will be VERY different (worse) than now, and I do need to think this through very carefully, even though her life is not merely my responsibility.
About the work, I have accepted that I will need to decrease my standards if I quit my current job in terms of salary and other benefits etc. - because - like I said - there just isn´t any comparable work anywhere near around here - do to the characteristics of the area where I live (very far away from any big towns and not a lot of commercial industry etc.).
I think your gf is using you.
She works 90 - 100 hours a week and still needs financial support? She may not be a commodity *to you,* but it sounds like you are to her. She has a child to support - but didn't bring the child when she was in country for two months? Something smells rotten here.
You express doubts that it will be possible for her to settle in your country. You don't see any way to earn a living in her country, and you're not willing to move away from your family, anyway. You're in a fantasy relationship, then. I know that's not what you want to hear, but that's what it is if you're never going to be together. No judging - been there, done that - until I took a hard look at myself and decided I wanted more than pining after someone who wasn't truly available to me. That meant replacing the excitement and anticipation of seeing and being with "Mr X" to the anxiety of going out on dates, or getting rejected for them, of having romances not work out. Being in a relationship is harder than being a pen-pal or Skyping weekly. It's putting up with someone else's bad housekeeping, weird dietary preferences, in this case being a step-parent to a child you've not met (a child who wasn't present to interrupt or interfere when your lady love came to woo you.)
Employment-wise: I don't know where you are - here in the US, businesses are desperate for help, because unemployment pays better.
Gf is using you. unambiguously and bezpovorotno. I think how to proceed further, the choice is only yours.
I think you should start changing something, at least one area of your life. Maybe end the long-distance relationship first if it weighs on you?
It seems to me that for your girlfriend you are just comfortable.
In your situation, the relationship does not look very deplorable. I think if you solve problems, then it's better to start with this first.
I appreciate all your comments and input - it´s great to get a different perspective on things.
And I DO know that I probably have to really consider everything about my relationship and if it can go on this way.
However it makes me a bit sad - and also a bit angry - when people are so prejudiced about my relationship. I DO know that YOU are not ME - hence of course you cannot by definition know how my relationship with this girl is. As I have mentioned earlier: If I had the SLIGHTEST suspicion that I was just "being used" or a "money-machine" to her - I would have kicked her LONG ago already. Don´t get me wrong, but I´m not naive, I´m not blind or blinded by her good looks and I´m not dumb! However, if a human being has ever been in a relationship with someone and really felt love - going through good and bad times - and also having met each other several times and have spent a lot of time together - then OF COURSE I get a good insight, if she loves me or not or if she is just using me. I know that some people can be very manipulative and convincing when they are "using" people, but I consider myself to have a good knowledge about humans - and considering the amount of time I have spent with her - it is totally impossible that she is just "faking" her love towards me. People who have been in love and have had a close connection to their partner will know what I mean. Things like that can not be faked.
YES - she works 90-100 hours a week, but that does not change the fact that her income is only around the equivalent of 250-270 USD a month. It´s extremely difficult for her to make ends meet with that salarym but then again of course it is not my responsibility.
And OF COURSE I have met her child, then why are people saying I haven´t? The were several reaons (school etc.) why the kid wasn´t with her mom when I lived with her here for some months.
Again - thanks for your comments and your perspective on things - but please don´t be so judgmental or prejudiced about the girl.
I can't speak on most of your experiences or your difficulties as I am much younger than you, however, If you would like to here my take on this matter. I would gladly oblige. 21M
1) I saw my mother fight against cancer, twice, going through chemotherapy, watching her beautiful hair and lustrous skin fade.Powerlessly watching her experience that was one of the most mentally torturing
process out there. I used various coping methods, but the one that worked the best for myself was gaming and reading. I found myself completely drawn into these worlds of fantasy and imagination.
I slowly learned through these 'novels' how to calm myself and meditate, and how to introspect into myself. (Sit down, close your eyes in a dark space or early sunrise, and in the center of your head, the
middle of your conciousness, just question yourself. 'What do I want to do?'Am I Happy?"'What would make me Happy''Do I truly feel this way', but for me, 99% of the time i come back with more questions yet feeling calm, and at peace with myself.
2) Personally, I don't believe in long distance relationships like this, yes she is using you, lets not be naive here. But, you are also using her back just as much, its an exchange possibly budding love.
Do you truly love this woman? Or are you trying to fill gaps for empty space inside? A coined phrase of mine, "If the mind cannot choose let the balls".
To be honest, whilst writing this, I re-read your post.
I think you push yourself too much, It seems that, from a first impression. You are a kind guy, who has had a tough roll. I honestly believe that you should just do what makes you happy at this point.
Not trying to be rude, but, realistically, how long do you want to be in this situation, you are stacked and surrounded by negatives. Just let your fuckin nuts hang and take a chance on something, road trip, take some time off, go fuck some random girl at a bar. It could be anything, it just seems to me your are missing your 'spark' or flame.
Cupid Professional Recommendation
ITEM A: You should just go let your nuts hang for a bit bro, meaning, you just need to let loose and destress. Find something that brings you comfort, I learned from an early age that, realistically, besides MAYBE your family. The only person who truly has your best interests and back at all times is yourself.
ITEM B: Just find that boost, whatever it may be. Do a cycle of TRT and maybe workout? Any release besides drugs, alchohol.
The facts as you stated them:
She can't come to live with you.
You are not willing to go live with her (doesn't matter why)
The two of you are not ever going to be together, and living for a couple months with a sex partner is not the same as living with her and her child. What's interesting is that she managed to support herself before you two connected.
It won't break her heart. Realistically, most romances don't work out. That's why everybody isn't married to the first person he or she fell in love with. My answer stands: it's easier to be a Skype pal than to live full time with someone. You angst about this is simply (though not easily) solved. If you'd rather have the drama, that's up to you. Or you could civilly end this, and engage with someone in you locality with whom you could spend quality time.