PeoplesProblems Logo

Need some help to deal with a long standing problem

Default profile image
So you could describe this as a mental health sort of things as well. But anyway I’ve got something that I’ve never truly been able to deal with for a really long time and I need some help to do so. A little backstory: I am the one who is at fault for causing what I will get into to happen in the first place. Please understand this and know that I understand why thoughts/feelings weren’t similar. So with that said, I’ve never really been a guy you could say was attractive. This isn’t me having low self-esteem/being down on myself. I’m just being realistic. When an online dating profile you set up has way better results with no pictures in it, compared to one that does have pictures of you in it, that’s how you know. Anyway, without sounding mean/like a jerk. For the most part when it came to dating, I feel like I settled a lot. Mind you, I wasn’t expecting a nine to want anything to do with me when I knew I wasn’t more than a six on a good day. This was because of a lot of issues. But I’d say at my core, it was a true lack of self esteem. I was married once. But to be honest, looking back on everything. It was a mistake for a lot of reasons. Anyway this brings me to the start of the problem I’m having now. There was a woman who I had known for a LOT longer than my ex-wife. We had always got along fairly well. It also seemed like we had more in common than anyone I had been with previously. A day came where this women said to me something I couldn’t forget if it tried (after my marriage was ending). She said, “The day I knew you were getting married, I felt sick to my stomach”. She made it clear that it was because she felt like she wanted it to be her. The only thing here is that when I had tried originally to explore the idea of dating her (prior to meeting my ex-wife), she wasn’t on board with that idea. Anyway, this woman was everything my previous partners weren’t. Again without sounding like a jerk, I feel like this time I wasn’t settling. If anything, I felt like I was out of her league. We did end up starting to date and things (though not always perfect) progressed a long. It was an LDR of about four hours, but we were dealing with that as well as possible. Anyway, things ended up not working out and this is where I say that I acknowledge I am the reason it didn’t. The biggest reason being that I broke some important promises regarding seeing her only to not be able to (on more than one occasion). This was 100% my fault and I understand why she moved on and why she felt the way she did. Anyway, I took some time to work on myself, heal, deal with my baggage, etc. That took six months. I eventually felt like I was ready to try and meet someone again. Needless to say, it did not go well. This is also my own fault since I don’t feel I “sold” myself the best way possible. I eventually did find better ways to put my best foot forward and things got somewhat better results wise. Dating on the other hand was a different story (but that’s not what I’m here to get help with). I feel like I’ve never been able to truly move on from what happened (in my gut). It’s like I lost the best thing (through my own fault) and I’ve never been able to properly deal with it, get closure, move on, etc. I know it’s not healthy to feel this way and I know I shouldn’t feel this way. I know time is supposed to heal things. But if I’m being honest, I haven’t healed. I don’t like how it’s made me feel this whole time, but I haven’t been able to resolve it :(.

Need some help to deal with a long standing problem

Default profile image
Okay, let's look at things realistically. You lived four hours apart. What were your plans to live together, move closer, for one of you to relocate and get a new job? ... ... yeah, I thought so. Long distance, (in my observation over decades) *can* work - when established couples who have already committed to one another have steady employment, a generous amount of free time and enough surplus income to travel to be together on a regular basis. Not "when it's convenient" and not "someday." If she had been honest with you: it's not because you're not attractive enough; I know plenty of plain or even not attractive people in marriages - happy ones. It's not because you missed a visit. It's because she pulled on her big girl pants and saw the two of you had no plan to actually *be together.* Add to that she wasn't really enthusiastic at an earlier point in your lives. This wasn't about your attractiveness, it may have been about her using people - you (this time) I'm widowed so no spring chicken. A man I met was certain we could have a long distance relationship. (At 50-something, I wasn't going to change jobs or move) He wasn't going to move either. He was absolutely certain we could take turns traveling to one another's homes every weekend. Point blank - I couldn't afford to drive to his house 26 weekends a year - not the fuel, not the wear and tear on my car, not the time away from my home. "Bob" was confident this would work but I just don't make that kind of money. As a widow of 50-something, I visited dating sites and found that men in my age group were not plentiful (men not living as long as women starts to catch up around this decade.) Some men, knowing this, realized that it was a buyer's market for them, and openly stated they weren't willing to date anyone over her early/mid forties. It was discouraging. But I wasn't looking for someone to support me, I have my own home, a great sense of humor. I have things going for me, and you do too. You've been dealt a crummy hand with COVID keeping everyone apart for 18 months. See if your town has any boards or civic committees that might interest you. Getting involved in something you believe in will enhance your appeal to similarly minded individuals who are doing the same thing. It will be good for your mental health, too.

Need some help to deal with a long standing problem

SOPHIECAN profile image
You have already begun to walk the path of restoring inner balance. I think it really takes time to realize that how you move is correct.

Need some help to deal with a long standing problem

SOPHIECAN profile image
You have already begun to walk the path of restoring inner balance. I think it really takes time to realize that how you move is correct.

This thread is due to expire in 51 days

B-2