I know I am jealous, but .. my story has also a lot of red flags
PLEASE. FOR THOSE WHO WILL ALOW THE TIME TO READ, YOU HAVE MY DEEPEST SYMPATY AND THANKS.
Our relationship started in 2015, 6 years ago, and at the beginning it was super ok, milk and honey, for me, and honestly, I thought it was likewise for her. I’m 53 years old, but I don’t show my age. She, Mira, is 7 years younger than me. Her husband died 3 years earlier. Mira worked for a small private company in 2015. After 3 years she left and now is workiong at a big company She has two children, two daughters, Simone, who now works too, and little Aline, who was then 8 years old. At first, Aline didn’t like me at all; same goes for the present time. When we met, Mira and Aline were staying at their in-laws’ house. Mira took care of everything, the household chores, the care of the elderly, the children, everything, etc. She really didn’t even have the time to breathe. Even in terms of appearance, how she dressed, how she looked, she wasn’t too careful. She told me that for the beginning our relationship should be in like, each of us staying at our homes, not to move together, so: walks in the park, outings in the city, but when we have to be just the two of us, when this was possible, we met at my house. And this was mainly because Aline didn’t like me at all. A year later, Mira moved into the apartment of a deceased uncle, where she still lives. In the meantime, the in-laws died. At the same time there was a slight change in her overall appearance, the clothes started to look different, highlighting the silhouette, cosmetics, face creams , body lotions, hairdresser, and the fact that now she was in her own apartment, her own place for the first time in her life, all this could be seen in herr overall appearance, she felt better, she looked different, better, younger. This time everything, parties, New Year’s Eve, Easter, birthdays, everything, including our meetings were happening at her place. Only that our meetings were happening only when her daughter Aline was not present. I proposed, to rent one of the apartments, for example hers, and to stay in mine, because it was suitable for two adults and a her daughter. And thus to have an additional income, which would obviously be of use to us. Mira’s answer was: „I just arranged it, (her flat) now, if we rent it to some strangers, they will come and sleep in my new bed, and my new sheets, etc. It doesn’t suit me.”
And, now, on with the story.
The first surprise came right from the beggining, in 2015, when she started receiving text messages on her work phone, from her boss-employer, who was also married, (the 50-60 years category). Text messasages (SMS), „from the poetic kind” which referred to the „unexpected light that, glimmers in her eyes and her smile that is .. otherwise, brighter ...etc „.. etc .. and other such” poems „, all very polite, like they were coming from a teenager in-love. She showed them to me, I asked her, and she told me that there is nothing between her and her boss, nor was in the past, and she really doesn’t know why , her boss , is doing this crazy things. I thought to myself, that if there was something between the two of them, it was before us entering in our relationship, (an opinion that I did not share with her). She also told me that immediately after her husband died, her boss made advances to her, which she rejected. I thought to myself, that after I entered into a relationship with Mira, she surely ended everything with her boss, otherwise I could not see the reason why her boss would have sent those text messages. I trusted her when she told me there was (nothing) between her and her boss, now. I asked her, how he (her boss) behaves at work with her, if he says something to her, if he makes some wrong gesture, Mira’s answer: NO. I said: then, don’t do anything, and let him send text messages until he’s full. After a while, other text messages appeared this time from one of the employees, one of the workers, also „polite”, grammatically correct, but this time they came from a man „with less/poor text skills” who would have wanted „ to be with her, because he likes her, etc. ”.. It seemed at least strange to me, it seemed to me that it is clearly something fishy, that is, two people sending approximately same kind of text messages …, To the same person. I asked Mira, “but this man, during the day, comes to you? tells you something ..? „The answer was: NO. I said: this man is no longer your boss, you are no longer in danger of being fired, you can go to the police, because this is harassment. What she did, on her own initiative, she went to her boss, and told me that she had a more direct discussion with him (her boss), and that’s how the text messages disappeared.
On with the story.
Now she was already living in her own apartment, which was nicely arranged. As I said, her looks started to change. To the better. She was sexier. Sometimes when it was possible, her daughter would go to her grandmother, to her colleagues, or to her relatives in Cluj, And, I came to hers, and sleep at her appartment. On one of these mornings, when I was getting ready to go to work. I noticed and she told me, that she receives text messages (every morning) on the company phone, and „here, this (fellow coworker) comes to take me to go to work with the car”, „well, I say, who is this ? ”. Well, the boss’s son (Laurent, then I found out) who came every morning approx 15-20 minutes before 8 o’clock and with the company car, took her from the front of her appartment block and went to work. But, until she came, I was surprised by her agitation, she changed one blouse with another, this lipstick with another, the jeans with the denim demi-skirt, she arranged and checked herself in the mirror. In the end, she put on her denim demi-skirt, even though I told her it didn’t fit her very well. I also told her, when she goes out with me in the city, she doesn’t shake like that, she puts what she finds on her, she arranges herself once and that’s it, we go out . Also then, during the day, when I was talking on the phone, many times, I realized that she was in town, doing chores for work, going to the banks, for payments, etc .., but with the driver the boss’s son, Laur, waiting in the car. And sometimes, he told me, to leave her alone and not call her because she happens to be at the counter and can’t even answer all the time. After that she tells me that he, Laur, apr 30 years old, has money, like, his father gives him enough, and he always goes to eat in the city, at a local X. Where, one day, what would like be for us to go there too, because they eat well there, she knows, because that’s what’s Laurent told her. We went there, it was beautiful, summer time, on the terrace, but I was surprised, because she knew what the arrangement was like, where to sit, at which table, further in the front, further in the back, and..look now he brings us a free votka shot .. We took exactly the X soup, which she knew was good, because Laurent told her, youu see… he ate there every day.
At the same time, she told me, and I didn’t like it, about Laurent’s unhappy family story, because their father, the boss, punched them everybody with the fist in the head and that’s why his younger brother Laurel, was a little retard. Well, a very sad story, but I didn’t like to hear it at all, and especially to see my girlfriend, in front of me how she simply put her soul on a plate, presenting me cliche-sad stories served from Laurent.
I was thinking then, when did Laurent had the time to open his soul and unfold them ... stories like that? On the way to work, on the way to the bank, or at the table at the X place?, which told me they did not visit.
While I was thinking about all this, surprise, her face opens with a smile, as only she smiled at me at first, and greets Laur, who had also entered the terrace, I being with my back to the entrance, When I returned to greet him, I noticed with surprise that as soon as i looked into his eyes, he avoided my gaze.
I had a discussion with her, the following days, her answer: „don’t worry, my beloved, I’m not cheating on you, this is just a kid, can't you see that he’s shy, trust me”.
After about this moment, she started to go to work with her car. Some time later, in the winter, I found out that she was „receiving” from work, the gasoline needed for travel, for all the trips she made in the city, including work. She didn’t want to tell me too much, as if it was a big state secret.
I said that I have to trust her and that she’s ok, she’s doing well. Also at that time, at her work, another colleague appeared, Mitchell, also about 30 years old, with an Audi, not new, but she said, very sporty and fast, about which she herself said that „it’s handsome„ And that ”he proposed to another woman colleague a short one without obligations”.. after which she immediately said to me ”stay calm, not to me”.
On weekends, Saturdays and even Sundays, she would receive text messages, phone calls to work, and go to the kitchen, and even go to work, she would not stay all day, for a few hours, to solve various problems, I went considering that I have to trust her, because I had a relationship before that was with a lot of quarrels, and that’s why I wanted to do and be different, I considered that I have to trust her.
And for many reasons she was a trustworthy woman. She was my trustworthy woman, or so I said
Like I said, lots of calls from work, in the weekends, mostly early hours, calls for which she went into the kitchen. However, once, in a week-end, she was right next to me, and she was talking to this Mitchell, on the company phone, her voice was quite melodious, after she hung up, she immediately changed the voice register with me, something like loosing the temper a bit. I warned her, and I told her that I don’t know why when she talks to Mitchell it’s just milk and honey and for me she changes and talks like a slightly nervous man. She looked at me, surprised, she didn’t say anything, but I don’t remember hearing Mitchell call, maybe she was more attentive, and she talked to him in the kitchen.
This was followed by other events, departures with the car, and Mitchell to Cluj, to pay the workers, from the office there.
On one of the first roadtrip, on the way back, let’s say around 13.00 I called, and with surprise, I heard that, as if she didn’t feel like talking, as if she was ill, as if her voice wasn’t even, as if her head hurt, I dd not know what to say and she quickly hung up on me.
The first impulse was to call again, but I said not to get angry like on other dates. As in previous relationships.
I waited for a while when I thought she should have gotten home, and I called. „I’m home, but I don’t want you to come, my head hurts, I’m tired, I just want to take a shower and go to bed” .. I called later, she didn’t answer, then somewhere around 20.30 a answer, I told her what she has, that I want to see her, to see each other, at least to talk .. answer: “don’t come, I don’t want to see you, I’m tired, now Iţve jus woken up, and I’m very tired” Let’s see each other tomorrow” .. But , that did not happen, not the next day tomorrow, and if I remember correctly, we saw each other on the third day.
It seemed very strange to me, and I stayed a long time and thought, and now, I say to myself that I did the wrong thing. And now, event hat I realize I do not have practically no evidence, but still, it seemes very strange to me.
There have been more departures like these.
She even told me not to worry, and not to call when she’s gone, because she has money, she also has to take a look at the papers, and sometimes she doesn’t have time. Also no time to answer the phone.
Also during that period, I noticed in her, states of daydreaming, that is, she remained hanging for a moment, as if she remembered something, and for a moment, a second, two, as if she was .. disconnected .. I asked her “what i sit with youe? Tell me, please” „No, nothing”
Another time, after a moment of intimacy, she would say to me “it’s like having s_x with more men” .. for me, at first sight, it seemed like praise, but after that, I even told her, “for a woman-child, like i was used to know you, I don’t recognize you anymore „.
Another time, instead of ... „more men”, but also after the moment of intimacy, just like that, suddenly, the question „how it is the s_x in group?” At this I was perplexed for a moment. I no longer recognized my once good girl.
In any case, as I have told her several times, then is the year, she changed.
I allso had a key from her appartment, and she also had a key from mine, and that year, in the fall, she asked me for the key to her apartment, on the grounds that she needed it, and the reserve she had, was someho not functional, the key in the lock no longer spins well, etc. I didn’t say anything. , I returned it, I behaved as if there was no problem, but I remembered. For example, until we parted the key to my apartment, stayed with her all the time.
Point and from the beginning.
On Fac.e.bo.ok, Mitchell received likes to all the pictures he was in, except for the pictures he was with his girlfriend, fiancée and later his wife. And also the wedding pictures, in general, received likes, the pictures in which he was, but not the pictures in which he was with his wife.
She also told me that he was forced to marry her, that is, she was already pregnant, and when he said it, I detected a slight regret in Mira.
Two years later, on the day of Mitchell’s wedding, on watsapp, she didn’t talk to me anymore, for the reason that she has job chores to do at work, instead, I thought she was busy seeing the pictures, when they are posted, as they appear from the wedding house, to give likes, etc.,. I don’t think she was aware that I was aware of the wedding date.
The next day, after the wedding, although we had to meet, she said, that she was tired, that she had a lot of work at work, and that… at night she did not have SLEEP at all, and she is tired and let’s meet next day.
On the weekend we decided to go to a pub, she came by car, we met in the cente. My car was broken. After pub, she told me not to be upset but she wouldn’t take me home.
I asked her what was with her? because she just seemed apathetic. and her condition was something like a deja-vu for me, it seemed very similar to the one from 2016. „what’s wrong with you, what do you have, you are as if it’s not you”
The answer: „Leave me, please, don’t worry, it will pass.”
Even the weekend before the wedding, she outdid herself, invited me to her house, asked me what dishes to prepare for me, it was ... like a dream.
Maybe there is more to say, but I’ve already written too much.
Twice (dec 2018 and dec2019) I had some outbursts, nervous ones, with reproaches, regarding these episodes and .. to some others, more ... unimportant. Basically, quarrels.
Whether these events, which I recounted above, are real or not, from my point of view they are alarm signals.
I think, and this is one of my mistakes, that I had to discuss them on the spot, which I did not.
I think that, if I was finally dissatisfied with the response I received or the evolution of events, I should have withdrawn.
I chose to indulge, to accumulate in myself, and when everything erupted, on the other side I did not receive answers.
Instead, I managed to reach an armistice, like choosing to trust her, declaring that I agree that nothing happened, and ... I saw that as a result of this attitude of mine, she joyfully, tearfully, agreed to remain together. (january 2020)
It should also be said, that in the summer in the first year when she moved to the big company, I noticed that on her Fac.e.bo.ok page, my pictures disappeared. The relationship was not declared either. I asked why, the answer: „do you know how much colleagues comment?” even now I couldn’t understand why, and what her colleagues were commenting on, so she had to take aut the pictures with me from Fac.e.bo.ok.
However, something happened in the meantime, maybe the pandemic, we saw each other even less often, I won’t go into details, but somewhere last winter, she was talking on watsapp, but somehow, she was going again to the kitchen. I thought to myself, what would be the reason for her to go to the kitchen, and possibly to talk on video, with various acquaintances that I also knew, or… ..? I told her that this made me remember 2016 when he was talking in the kitchen with ... colleagues.
She was a little upset, and said nothing.
I think it was something in the air, and so we began to see saw each other rarely, to very rare.
The glass filled up with bitterness and when the quarrel broke out, this time it was bad.
And I, in turn, although I didn’t want to, bring back in discussion, episodes and events over which I had consciously chosen that I would not discuss them again.
Although I tried to stay calm, I did not succeed.
We had some long fuelled arguments, we even met, and I’m sorry that instead of going up to my apartment, we chose to walk through the park, and we argued again.
She constantly reproached me that I had insecurities and that I was jealous, which I consider to be true. But…
But, I also told all this story to some good friends of mine, men who, in general, thought that they, as well as me, would have been alarmed at the events I told.
At the the episode with the text messages, they considered that I did it right.
I also told two good friends of mine, women, who this time considered that they considered, that somehow they would not be so alarmed at the episodes that the her two coworkers. But instead the episode with text messages, from her boss , and employee, for them, it is clear, her boss had a relationship with her, both before and after our relationship began. And that, then, I should have put my foot in the door and… had a discussion with her, (and/or perhaps with her boss) and either end it, or practically me, in the end to leave, because for them it was clear that her boss would not give up.
It’s clear that for me, even if it’s over, this whole story grinds me.
I asked some friends for an opinion.
I would like to know the same thing here from you. Thank you.
You spent a lot of time to tell us your girlfriend invests a lot of time and effort into her relationships from work, and not much in her relationship with you. And her daughter who apparently doesn't care for you disappeared after the first paragraph.
She doesn't care much about her so-called romantic relationship with you. This is the person she is. What she wears, her makeup, her daughter's feelings, all non-issues. If I were you, I'd move on, and I'd have done so when she asked for her key back. It was over then.
People sometimes feel bad about breaking up. So here's what you can do. Stop contacting her. This situation doesn't require explanations and confrontations on your part. She has already checked out - BUT IF YOU SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT IT WILL START SOMETHING. So don't. Just stop contacting her and go your own way - yes, just ghost her. Because in effect, that's what she'd doing to you.
Ghosting someone isn't really nice, but sometimes it's the easiest way out of an awkward situation. She is clearly, CLEARLY treating you poorly so you'll break up with her, then she can avoid the guilt of breaking up with you. And maybe she wants to keep stringing you along so she has someone to go out with -when she feels like it - but I gather that is not as meaningful as what you wanted.
You can't force her to be more engaged with you. If this isn't what you want, simply walk away.