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hello, i recently found out that my boyfriend of 14 years is messaging a man to meet up for sex. He has sent and recieved pictures that have then been deleted and unsent (facebook messenger). Not once has he ever expressed to me that he is attracted to men and now i feel blind sided. iv been keeping it a secret for a while as i cant talk to any of my friends or family as they all love him and i have no idea what to do. up untill the point i found out i was happy and in love and now all i can think about is that while im having pannick attacks over him leaving me hes having the time of his life. we live together in a rented house and neither can afford to move out or live there by ourselves. i have no idea what im going to do, i havnt told him i know about the messages and im reluctant to either as he will turn it all around to being my fault and that iv driven him to it. i keep trying to find excuses for him like that maybe he always messaged other people and that its different this time because i know or that maybe when we got together he was ashamed of being gay and that iv been keeping him from finding his true self. i then get angry at myself for making excuses for him. i cant sleep at night and im getting snappy with everyone because they cant see what a massive mess im in, even though i know it isnt thier fault if i just told them i know they would support me but then i risk them treating him differently. im holding onto the delution that everything will go back to normal and that i wont have to address the issue but i know that isnt going to happen. i cant believe hes done this to me, a person hes supposed to love the most, how can you hurt someone you love that much? im sorry for venting but i dont know where else to turn.

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He must see that you are in a state of anxiety. You need to have a sit down with this man. Be ready to listen to whatever he says very patiently. If he needs to unload the truth to you you must be willing to listen and not overreact. This may require that a counselor be the mediator between you two if you think this bombshell is going to come out. Ask him to go to counseling with you.

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Thank you, Iv been thinking that this is the route I’m going to take, we’re both working until Monday when we are both off and we and going to sit and talk it out calmly, after 14 years we should be able to at least do that. I am hurt more than words can describe but i’m not going to guilt him into anything. It’s nice to hear someone not connected to either of us tell me what I was already thinking. Thank you

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If your BF has been hiding his true sexuality for his whole life, if he's gay and tried to live life as a heterosexual because of societal or familial pressure- that's not something he's doing *to* you. I remember a colleague of mine dating another colleague (not a great idea, but they were young) and she was absolutely smitten. "Ted" made picnic lunches to surprise "Sheila" for her birthday, all kinds of sweet things, all seemed to be going well. The were a cute couple, even though Ted was kind of a slacker and spent a lot of time flirting with women at work. Very suddenly, he decided to return to a former job and move a thousand miles away. Then Sheila got the letter: the one that said he was gay and sorry for everything but he couldn't keep up the pretense any more and that's why he left. This was in the early 80s, so in the midst of the HIV crisis. Sheila was sad and scared. In retrospect, she understood that the reason she and Ted spent sooo much time with one particular couple; Ted had a crush on his buddy. Sadly, there are still people who take a long time to face the truth about their sexuality. But if this is the case, it has nothing to do with YOU. But it's sad and it sure does feel awful. As an aside it would be wise to be checked for STDs. I have a friend whose relationship broke up after two decades. He discovered his partner had never been faithful - ever. The partner had a secret life with friends and associates who had no idea he was in a decades-long relationship. My friend had a computer expert go through the computer they shared and the partner had been active on dating and hookup sites for years. They weren't married, so they didn't have the court system to decide how they assets were divided. But my friend told me he was going to be tested for HIV for months after the breakup. At the time it happened, it was thought one might test negative for months, even if one had actually contracted the disease.

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I have spoken to him, I was calm and spoke rationally to him as hard as it was. I gave him a way out if he wanted it, I said if it was something he wanted to experience I wouldn’t stand in his way. He flatly denied it until I told him I’d seen the messages. He said he was horny and that was it. Now I’m at a loss because I don’t trust him and there is nothing to say he isn’t going to do it again but hide it better. I wish I had never found out in the first place then everyone would of been happy.

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He was horny so he wanted to have sex with a male stranger? Hon, this makes no sense. And if you'd never found out, and ended up with HIV, YOU wouldn't have been happier. He's not being honest with you. Without that, what do you have? And - I'm just curious-people have reasons for everything - but why have you been together for 14 years and never married? I mean, I can tell you why I married my husband, and as a widow, why I'm NOT marrying my current partner - he has very different priorities about money, and if my money was "our money" we'd be fighting constantly about it.

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I’m willing to give him a chance, but I’m not an idiot I know the signs and if nothing changes that will be it. I’m fully aware that in a round about way he’s trying to blame me. I won’t get HIV because we use protection but I will book to get a test done just in case. We’ve been together 14 years without marrying because I choose not to I didn’t want to walk down the aisle without my dad when he died. Thank you for your concern it’s been a long time since anyone really listened to me :)

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Has he actually acted on these messages? People can devise a number of “personas” on social media. This could all be sexual curiosity on his part. What kind of “ blame” do you think he is trying to load on you? Why? Do you think he deliberately tried to get caught?

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He told me he didn’t act and had no intention to. He blames me for not giving him sex that’s why he looked else where, and no I don’t think he tried to get caught he went out of his way to cover it up. I fully believe that he would of gone through with it if I hadn’t found out.

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