My ex reached out a month after I ended our relationship…what now ?
My ex and I recently broke up, and he’s just reached out to me after over a month. I’ve been thinking of him quite a bit, wondering if my decision to end things was the right one. Our relationship was perfect in my opinion up until it became clear ( he admitted this ) that he struggles with trust issues due to being cheated on in the past. We talked about that a bit, however, it got to the point where he started accusing me of cheating….something I never did or considered. I love him and only had thoughts of spending my life with him. Everything was perfect in our relationship but for this issue he had with trust.
I explained in our talks how the accusations made me feel and let him know I truly understood his situation…but I also told him that I was his present and that he should try not to allow his past to determine his present or future.
It was easy to say this to him but it didn’t help. He suggested we trey relationship counseling. We had plans to move in together…a big step. We were both willing to make the effort. Then just over a month ago he he called me one morning as I was speaking on the phone with a family member. The accusations came again…him saying I wasn’t really at home and so on…
I got frustrated and broke up with him.
Now he’s reached out to me and we’ve talked a few times. He says he loves me and misses me. I feel the same. But I don’t know why he reached out…just for a friendship or a chance to work things out. I’m open to trying again, yet I’m not sure what’s on his mind since he opened the door to communicate again.
I’m a bit confused on what to do, as he’s mentioned he wanted us to have a talk. He’d met my family etc. He’s asked how they are, asked what’s going on with me…
I’m willing to see him but still confused as hell
Your ex needs to get over his past before he can successfully be with you. Sure, you can be willing to give it another go and you guys can go to counselling etc but until he gets his head sorted and he gets closure from the past, his insecurity is always going to be there in your face. He needs to learn to trust himself first before he can trust anyone else. He's reached out because he's trying to give it another go and whether its through just friendship remains to be seen.
Your challenge is to weigh it all up and it depends on how much you love him because you can guys can work at it and bring it on slow until he eventually learns to trust again and gets his self esteem back. It'll be your understanding and his efforts, but you both need to realise that there's no set time limit on it and you guys will need to have the need, rather than the want, to see it through.
Yes, I agree. It makes sense.
These accusations are a red flag. He could be paranoid. You will never be able to reassure him that you are faithful. Your life will be like walking on eggshells.
Step back and keep your distance. He has trust issues that may never lessen.
Take your time before you let him come back into your life.
There's an old French saying (probably sounds better in French) and it goes something like this: "A man checking under the bed for lovers has probably spent some time there himself." Yeah, people get cheated on, yes, it stinks. But sometimes this kind of rubbish is 'projection,' accusing others of things you've done yourself. You didn't cheat, he hectored you about it. Meh, I think you deserve better than a second round with Mr. Insecure. You can if you want, but the very first time he accuses you again, it should be "Adios, my friend."
It is better to stay away from such people. The accusations don't stop at least. As a maximum, there will be more problems.
Let him go. Until he understands himself, he will continue to torment you.