Currently going through forced divorce situation....
It's been a few weeks since this awful event happened. I ended up getting so drunk and was seduced into sex by my wife's sister in law, I can barely remember all of the details of the whole night leading up to it but I remember snapping back to my senses seconds into it and putting a stop to it but it was still too late, all hell has broken loose, and I seem to be the only one taking responsibility. Since the event I have been living alone at our marital home.
Shortly after I was contacted by my wife to meet briefly once in public where she told me it would be divorce and that we would be selling the house etc, again this was almost instantly after the event so I was not in the right frame of mind to really ask questions as to why things felt rushed. I was made to re-live the events of the night of the incident, I apologised and told her that I still loved her and then we parted.
My wife has been staying either with family or elsewhere for weeks, I hadn't chased her out of respect meanwhile I was battling against anxiety and depression as a result of a breakdown I experienced due to what had happened, I have never in my life cheated on anyone before and I'm still struggling with what happened and with what has been broken. Although I have been trying to improve myself, I gave up alcohol completely, which was not difficult considering now I can't even bare to look at the stuff without thinking about the horrible event...plus I was never really a huge drinker outside the occasional wine with my wife, parties and events seem to be the only time when it gets to absurd levels where you are being freely topped up.
Not too long ago she recently came round with a friend to pick up a few bits but did not stay very long, things were amicable and I figured to not pressure or push on anything. I told her I received the divorce letter and that I would respond soon as I only had a few days to do it.
I did end up signing it the next day after her visit and decided to head out to clear my head.
Suddenly in a turn of events my wife turned up at the house by herself late that night...she fell into my arms in tears telling me she loves me. It was really difficult to process at the time, after things calmed down she then told me everything about how the family are trying to get her to hate me and how they are forcing the divorce. They basically have gone back to placing ultimatums on her by the sounds of it rather than just allowing her to make her own choices. (we had already experienced prejudice by them years before where they were being controlling)
I told her that I can't tell her what to do, although knowing what they have been doing I feel like we both have been robbed of the chance to seek couples counselling or to even figure out how we can work on repairing our relationship. But instead the family have made it about them only.
My wife is still staying elsewhere at the moment but not with the family, we are on talking terms but I wish I could ask her about the options of counselling or even the possibility of us just selling up and starting fresh in a new country or something. But I don't wish to ask without sounding unreasonable, I know what I did was wrong and I'm still paying for it...but knowing just how evil and toxic the family truly are and knowing how she feels about me I don't know if I can just let her go. Especially given how long we have been together.
My life and my head is real mess right now.
Best to get family out of such an important time.
Yes, marital counseling would be best. Make an appointment with a counselor, then invite her. You need to find out why you acted so inappropriately and help recognize what alcohol does to you.
She sounds like she wants to be free of outside influence in making decisions about your relationship. Don’t pass up an opportunity to get this right.
As someone who has struggled with alcohol in the past, I understand the despair you’re feeling.
It sounds like your wife does not really want a divorce. It also seems that you were trying to give her space right after it happened. Maybe you could try being more proactive at this point. Tell her that you still love her and you don’t want the marriage to end. As the other poster suggested, counseling is probably a very good idea.
Good luck. I hope things work out for you.
Hello. I am sorry to hear the pain and difficulties you are experiencing. It sounds as though your wife's family is manipulative and controlling. It also sounds like you love your wife and from what I understand you to say she seems to still love you as well. I am always for the marriage. I agree with the others that recommend counseling. Something also to think about is asking your wife how she feels about what has and is happening. Where she sees you both in the future and maybe something like, "if there is a chance to make us work what does that look like to you." Asking her these types of questions may help her to think through what is really happening and what she actually wants. This kind of a conversation may offer the possibilities of taking next steps towards one another. My prayers are with you and your wife. Please let me know how things progress. God bless.
IKARUS, it is difficult to advise something because the situation is difficult. Ideally, get away from it all. Good luck!
Thanks for the kind advice everyone,
I spoke to my wife on the phone, However she seems to have gone back to hardening her heart again somewhat, before I mentioned the counselling she was back to being formal about the things we still have outstanding before we can sell the property etc. I inwardly took that as a bad sign as she is still proceeding down this road with no real mention of the future and where I actually stand.
Without pressing too much but we managed to talk about the idea of counselling, she said that people only do that when they are thinking about "if" they should divorce. My response to that was that even if divorce has to happen I don't think we can obtain true closure or even an understanding as to why events happened the way they did (or even as to why she even felt like she had to obey her parents without even giving us a chance to talk properly *I didn't say this part to her though*)
Anyway she has agreed to give it a go, I have no idea what the outcome will be but I'm concerned about how quickly she keeps changing in emotions, I know I can't fix the past nor do I wish to minimise what I did to cause this but us parting ways without professional help would not be healthy.
She has been having her own counselling sessions however...I'm not sure how that factors in and complicates things. I've offered to pay for our dual session(s) although I just need to find a decent person and then set that up.
A few hours later she called me back to share a few things she had been learning in therapy, which was some comfort but it still points towards her just going with what the family wishes.
Hi ICARUS: Only one person never made a mistake in this life. Some of the mistakes we make are reconcilable; some not. Let's see if we can help. By the way, the previous posts have been very supportive and hopeful.
Counseling has been a good suggestion whether it be joint or individual. Please understand, however, reconciliation will be the result of you and your wife "communicating" with or without a mediator (counselor). You have done well in not "hounding" her into submission in this matter, but rather helping her find the benefit of counseling. If she is sincere about reconciling and she does still love you, I hope she has the courage to stand her ground against family members, and gives love a second chance. She married you, not her family. After all, marriage is a promise; for better or worse. Turn the worse to the better. We'll pray for you. Let us know how it goes.