Currently going through forced divorce situation....
It's been a few weeks since this awful event happened. I ended up getting so drunk and was seduced into sex by my wife's sister in law, I can barely remember all of the details of the whole night leading up to it but I remember snapping back to my senses seconds into it and putting a stop to it but it was still too late, all hell has broken loose, and I seem to be the only one taking responsibility. Since the event I have been living alone at our marital home.
Shortly after I was contacted by my wife to meet briefly once in public where she told me it would be divorce and that we would be selling the house etc, again this was almost instantly after the event so I was not in the right frame of mind to really ask questions as to why things felt rushed. I was made to re-live the events of the night of the incident, I apologised and told her that I still loved her and then we parted.
My wife has been staying either with family or elsewhere for weeks, I hadn't chased her out of respect meanwhile I was battling against anxiety and depression as a result of a breakdown I experienced due to what had happened, I have never in my life cheated on anyone before and I'm still struggling with what happened and with what has been broken. Although I have been trying to improve myself, I gave up alcohol completely, which was not difficult considering now I can't even bare to look at the stuff without thinking about the horrible event...plus I was never really a huge drinker outside the occasional wine with my wife, parties and events seem to be the only time when it gets to absurd levels where you are being freely topped up.
Not too long ago she recently came round with a friend to pick up a few bits but did not stay very long, things were amicable and I figured to not pressure or push on anything. I told her I received the divorce letter and that I would respond soon as I only had a few days to do it.
I did end up signing it the next day after her visit and decided to head out to clear my head.
Suddenly in a turn of events my wife turned up at the house by herself late that night...she fell into my arms in tears telling me she loves me. It was really difficult to process at the time, after things calmed down she then told me everything about how the family are trying to get her to hate me and how they are forcing the divorce. They basically have gone back to placing ultimatums on her by the sounds of it rather than just allowing her to make her own choices. (we had already experienced prejudice by them years before where they were being controlling)
I told her that I can't tell her what to do, although knowing what they have been doing I feel like we both have been robbed of the chance to seek couples counselling or to even figure out how we can work on repairing our relationship. But instead the family have made it about them only.
My wife is still staying elsewhere at the moment but not with the family, we are on talking terms but I wish I could ask her about the options of counselling or even the possibility of us just selling up and starting fresh in a new country or something. But I don't wish to ask without sounding unreasonable, I know what I did was wrong and I'm still paying for it...but knowing just how evil and toxic the family truly are and knowing how she feels about me I don't know if I can just let her go. Especially given how long we have been together.
My life and my head is real mess right now.
Best to get family out of such an important time.
Yes, marital counseling would be best. Make an appointment with a counselor, then invite her. You need to find out why you acted so inappropriately and help recognize what alcohol does to you.
She sounds like she wants to be free of outside influence in making decisions about your relationship. Don’t pass up an opportunity to get this right.
As someone who has struggled with alcohol in the past, I understand the despair you’re feeling.
It sounds like your wife does not really want a divorce. It also seems that you were trying to give her space right after it happened. Maybe you could try being more proactive at this point. Tell her that you still love her and you don’t want the marriage to end. As the other poster suggested, counseling is probably a very good idea.
Good luck. I hope things work out for you.
Hello. I am sorry to hear the pain and difficulties you are experiencing. It sounds as though your wife's family is manipulative and controlling. It also sounds like you love your wife and from what I understand you to say she seems to still love you as well. I am always for the marriage. I agree with the others that recommend counseling. Something also to think about is asking your wife how she feels about what has and is happening. Where she sees you both in the future and maybe something like, "if there is a chance to make us work what does that look like to you." Asking her these types of questions may help her to think through what is really happening and what she actually wants. This kind of a conversation may offer the possibilities of taking next steps towards one another. My prayers are with you and your wife. Please let me know how things progress. God bless.
IKARUS, it is difficult to advise something because the situation is difficult. Ideally, get away from it all. Good luck!
Thanks for the kind advice everyone,
I spoke to my wife on the phone, However she seems to have gone back to hardening her heart again somewhat, before I mentioned the counselling she was back to being formal about the things we still have outstanding before we can sell the property etc. I inwardly took that as a bad sign as she is still proceeding down this road with no real mention of the future and where I actually stand.
Without pressing too much but we managed to talk about the idea of counselling, she said that people only do that when they are thinking about "if" they should divorce. My response to that was that even if divorce has to happen I don't think we can obtain true closure or even an understanding as to why events happened the way they did (or even as to why she even felt like she had to obey her parents without even giving us a chance to talk properly *I didn't say this part to her though*)
Anyway she has agreed to give it a go, I have no idea what the outcome will be but I'm concerned about how quickly she keeps changing in emotions, I know I can't fix the past nor do I wish to minimise what I did to cause this but us parting ways without professional help would not be healthy.
She has been having her own counselling sessions however...I'm not sure how that factors in and complicates things. I've offered to pay for our dual session(s) although I just need to find a decent person and then set that up.
A few hours later she called me back to share a few things she had been learning in therapy, which was some comfort but it still points towards her just going with what the family wishes.
Hi ICARUS: Only one person never made a mistake in this life. Some of the mistakes we make are reconcilable; some not. Let's see if we can help. By the way, the previous posts have been very supportive and hopeful.
Counseling has been a good suggestion whether it be joint or individual. Please understand, however, reconciliation will be the result of you and your wife "communicating" with or without a mediator (counselor). You have done well in not "hounding" her into submission in this matter, but rather helping her find the benefit of counseling. If she is sincere about reconciling and she does still love you, I hope she has the courage to stand her ground against family members, and gives love a second chance. She married you, not her family. After all, marriage is a promise; for better or worse. Turn the worse to the better. We'll pray for you. Let us know how it goes.
Still struggling although I have been focusing on myself. I still haven't been pressuring her. Although we did have our first therapy session last week. (via video call in our own separate locations though)
It's still not clear if she would consider fighting for us down the line as she thinks she has no choice in the matter of divorce. She also said she felt unimportant and weak during the session. The therapist mentioned that both of us have been through a lot during this but it's clear that the one person both needs is each other. But we weren't able to dig further due to only being an hour. The therapist has opened slots for us at the same time and day every week or fortnightly if we want them.
The next day I woke up with the urge to send her a message. I didn't want to push for another session right away but I just told her that she's important and that I've always seen how strong she is. And that if some part of her ever needed me I'd be there.
She did thank me for the message but I didn't expect anything back. She then said that she would come round on Thursday this week to go over a financial declaration form which is required during the divorce proceedings.
However she then texted me again straight away saying "oh,did you want to have another session?"
She knew that her coming would clash with our session but I just said that it's fine and that if she's ok with it I could book us in for the following week. Which she said was fine.
So yeah the divorce is proceeding still but it's still a roller-coaster with fog and no clear view in sight.
One positive note for her is that I hear she's doing better at work which is nice to hear (her friend updated me as she tends to check that I'm OK from time to time, I don't press for information I'm just told small things)
Not sure how I approach a conversation about us when she gets here though.
This all sounds positive. Try to get as much personal time with her as possible. It appears she wants this relationship to survive. Good luck..
Thanks 8TWENTY8, although I'm getting mixed signals from her.
She came over as she said, we had an estate agent come round to view our home and give estimates on how much it would be worth in it's current state, we also have an ongoing building work extension happening although I think her parents are trying to get her to sell the house quickly also. But they definitely don't have any say as it's both our names on the mortgage and we bought this before we got married. (The issue of the house is basically being handled outside of the divorce the idea is to split any remaining equity 50/50)
Anyway house aside she arrives at the house we greeted each other nicely, I did notice she wasn't wearing the wedding or engagement ring though. However this time around she had actually dressed up quite a bit, new jeans etc hair looking great and she put on quite a bit of perfume. Although I confess I kinda did similar in making sure I looked good knowing she was coming over too...I didn't react and kept it cool at that point but I did notice her effort instantly. She sits down and tells me "There's no rush to fill in the financial form" (the one I mentioned in my previous post) she asked me if I had printed it out though. She went through a few sections on it and just said that I could fill in bits of it whenever then she will return to complete it together, I think we have about 6 weeks or so till the decree absolute for the divorce can be applied.
So then the estate agent arrives in the middle of that conversation and we spend time with him asking questions and trying to find out how not to lose value on the house etc etc...after he left she then orders her uber, during the wait for that she was asking me all sorts of questions like "if I had any plans for where I'm gonna go" "have I been seeing people as in reaching out to friends etc"...I kept it vague but honest and said I was thinking on options and just keeping myself busy etc (which is true)
She mentioned a few things she'd been doing like seeing friends etc. We even had a mild laugh about her obsession with collecting books but never getting round to finishing them as she reached for some from our shelf to take back with her. I then told her that it was good to see her and that she looked really nice, she responded with a "you too"
But I think she was caught by surprise with how confident I was being...basically I didn't want to plead or bring any negativity by revisiting the situation again, it didn't feel like the right time as for once aside from the financial form and the estate agent we didn't mention her family or sister in law or anything once.
So anyway her taxi arrives and it's pouring with rain so I gave her one of the spare umbrellas to take she hugged me and I told her to take care of herself, she waved me from the taxi and that was that for now...so bizarre that she took the hour long trip just to come over for a short chat and to not even fill in the form...I'm so baffled.
As nice as the conversation itself was she did mention that she was heading to her hometown this weekend again which means she's visiting her family...so I expect the tides and seas to change her mood again when she returns back to the city at the end of the weekend.
Her whatsapp/text tone also changed yesterday after her visit...it stopped being blunt questions about the house or divorce stuff to actual greetings like "Hiya!"...now I'm not saying it's massively important but I was kinda shocked at seeing her soften a bit. But like I say currently she's probably getting a further dose of negative opinion from her family atm so I'm fully expecting some more drama or a plot twist soon to do with the house or something.
We still have that 2nd video call therapy session booked and paid for next week so I figured to keep that in place regardless.
I do understand that more personal time would be good for us but where she is staying is inside the city and where I am in the family home is just on the outskirts...it's so difficult and also expensive for her to make trips here. I would go to the flat but as it's her family spare flat I know it would not be appropriate. Also she keeps making plans with any friends she can find just to stop from being alone too much and confronting her real feelings so I'm not sure even how to approach. I'll just have to see what her tone is like next week then maybe see how therapy goes again then maybe I might have an idea on what to do after that.
But anyhow just wanted to update you all on this, also thanks again for the responses.
Thanks for the update. I like your pace of play here, but there is a clock in play, also. When it comes close to finalizing the divorce (and be careful with this) you may want to ask a reflective question of what "...for better or worse...until death due us part" means to her and has it changed for her since her promise to you in front God, friends, and family?