Do I have feelings for him or am I just really lonely
SOSNITSKAYA - Jul 24 2021 at 08:03
Hii I made this account just to ask for help, and I have been wanting to use this more so ig two birds with one stone situation here.
So to start with my situation, my ex (17m) and I (17f), had broken up about 6 months ago, after 2 years of being together, and it was one of the roughest things I've ever gone through. I have abandonment issues related to some family stuff and I don't like relationships because of how easily I become attached to other people, but I grew really close to my ex, and I decided to give dating a try. He fell out of love with me, and we ended on semi good terms, but I was absolutely heartbroken. I still am, and the transition to being alone again after 2 years is hard, but I'm doing okay-ish. In the past 6 months we've been talking on and off, and honestly, I think he was using me to keep his confidence up and when he found a prettier, more interesting girl, he ditched me. We hooked up a few times and that's why I still had hope he had love for me, but he recently cut contact with me out of nowhere, which hurt, but I mean we aren't together, and it's been 6 months lol.. I want a new relationship but I don't know if I'm actually ready for one, or if I'm just lonely. In the back of my head there's this voice that tells me he will come back to me. I mean come on, on the day he broke up with me he gave me a promise ring, and then a month later he said it meant nothing to him anymore. I know I need to be rational and know he's kind of an asshole and even if he wanted to date again, I shouldn't get back with him, but there's a voice in the back of my head that tells me if he doesn't come back to me, who will love me? I don't want to get back with him, and I know it seems like I still have feelings for him and I probably do, but I don't want a relationship with him again because it won't work out. He uses reddit and if I give too much info away he'll know its him, so I'm trying to be blunt. I just think that he wanted me for sex and a placeholder so he could get closurr, and I was just sticking around just in case he wanted to come back. Now, thats kind of my background info and an intro into my brain lol..
So into the real situation LMAO
I work in a small family-run resturaunt as a busser, and one of the cooks is my boss's nephew. He's a few months older than me, and he's on the good looking side and we're good friends. I've noticed recently that he's been getting super close to me when he talks to me, and he teases me a lot more than he usually does, and he's been asking me to do things with him, like just us. We aren't really good friends outside of work, because I'm just super focused while working and I don't want to get in trouble lmao (I'm really close with my boss, she's literally my favorite person ever), she isn't afraid to beat me for not staying on task HAHAHA (I swear its not workplace abuse lol). Anyways, he just got moved from cook to server, and now we're talking more often and he's saying things like "so when are we gonna hang out?" Or like "damn girl why you keep turning me down like that" and like overall being flirty. I get super flustered super easily, and he knows it so sometimes he gets close to me and talks kind of soft and jokes around with me and I blush and he just smiles at me and makes fun of it. So naturally I've formed a bit of a crush. Every time we work together I am the busser in his section and he always helps me carry the heavy stuff (probably bc I'm slow, or because I'm genuinely weak but besides the point lol), and around customers he like acts super close to me and it's weird but in a good way. I've talked to my friends about it, and my best friend, who also works with me, asked him if he had feelings for me because his normal personality is bitchy because he's just dumb idk. So imma give away semi personal info and expose my resturaunt but I work at a Mexican resturaunt and my best friend and the dumbass in question are both Mexican, grew up there,but are doing high school here. Let's just change my best friends name because it's a distinct name lol, she's Brenda now. And Rigo is just Rigo. Ok. Well when Brenda asked Rigo if he had feelings for me, they were talking in Spanish, and now, my Spanish isn't perfect but I know enough to get certain points and he basically said that he works too much and he doesn't have time for a girlfriend rn, BUT HE NEVER SAID HE DIDNT HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME. anyways he thinks I'm the basic gringo and doesn't know any Spanish, but homie is wrong. I just sound like a basic gringo lol. Anyways that happened like 2 weeks ago, but recently he's been more friendly with me and gets super close to me when talking and like idk if he's just talking to me the way he does like flirting or like as friends, because friends don't get super super close and like try to fluster the other person as far as I know. And like tonight he asked me to go to a party with him, and he was like "I wanna get fucked up but don't worry I'll protect you hehe " and I was like WHAAAT but I turned him down because I just didn't wanna go. But like idk if it's just friends or if he's flirting but my two friends I asked both think he has feelings for me so like yay I think? BUT BUT BUT my feelings for him is the question. Do I like him or am I just really lonely because I'm not in a relationship? I would like to be with him if the situation were to present itself but the memories I have with my ex still are super strong and I don't know if I'm just rushing into a relationship or trying to, because I'm lonely. I do think I have genuine feelings for him but 1. It's a lil too early to really figure him out compatability wise, and my own feelings and 2. I want to be in a new relationship for all the right reasons.
Can someone give me their honest opinion on this? I know it's super long but I am really wordy and I am super conflicted. Thank you and I love you:)
You're 17. You will probably have many, many more boyfriends and it won't work out most of the time. Either you will see the two of you don't have a future, or your BF will, and it will end, and you'll be sad, even if it's for the best in the long run. Sorry to be Debbie Downer, but *most* BF / GF (or any of the variations) don't work out. That's why most of us don't end up with the first person we dated. Gosh, even friends of mine (Mormons) didn't end up married to the first crushes they had.
On to your new, very adult situation: Do not get your lovin' where you get your paycheck. Ever. Bad idea. It isn't the cultural thing, it's not just that you miss being part of a couple, it's that *when* you break up (because you're 17, and re-read my first sentence) you will still have to see him at work and it will be super awkward. Honest, I did this when I was old enough to know better - it was stupid. I needed help from my former date's department, and he was avoiding me. I had to check the schedule every damn day to see who I could page for help, and when. I found a work-around, but it was tedious. AND when I spoke to ex-date's supervisor, he looked at me with pity and said I was just jealous that he had moved on. I think we had two or three dates, so no, I wasn't that traumatized.
Will you still be working when you go back to school? If not, date him then. And if sex with your dates causes you to feel MORE bonded to them, don't do that, until you know the relationship will be long term.
I plan on going to school in the winter, for aesthetics. And he is going to college also and our schedules are going to be very different if I don't decide to quit and get a higher paying job, because sis wants to move out. I just really have no clue what to do and I feel like it's because I'm not completely over my ex yet? I don't know. I'm ready for a new relationship but like I still think about him and that would be really unfair to Rigo if I were to be with him yk? I just don't know anymore :,)
You're right, it wouldn't be fair to him, but also _ I'll type it in caps: DON'T GET YOUR ASS WHERE YOU GET YOUR PAYCHECK.
When it's awkward between the two of you, if it spills over into work performance, one of you will likely be fired. HINT: It will be the gringo bus person, not the Mexican waiter that adds authenticity to the restaurant.
SOSNITSKAYA, very good plan.
Yes, that would be unfair.
I think you have a great plan for yourself.
The plan is great. Good luck with its implementation!