I hate my boyfriends dog
I want to start with this: I’ve always loved dogs and I’ve never hurt her.
She’s a small Pomeranian mix and I hate her personality. She’s needy, dirty, and annoying.
We also have a cat that I adore because she’s clean and not as needy.
When my bf and I started dating over a year ago, she would pee on doggie pads and shit on the bedroom carpet and he would let her sleep all over his pillows. In his defense, he has two jobs and was always busy, so he didn’t have much time to take her out. But it was extremely gross to me, so I make sure to always take her out to do her business and never let her on the bed since I moved in with him.
You would think that I would learn to love her after all this time right? No.
I HATE her personality. She ATE a baby cat that my bf was taking care of a while ago (?!). But I didn’t really start hating her until she beat up our cat because she was jealous of her (she used to claim the bed before and when I wouldn’t let her on it anymore, she started resenting the cat) and she wanted to show dominance.
As much as I try to train her, we simply forget to take her outside at night sometimes, so she shits on our carpet. When we leave her in her crate she can hold it in for hours, so why can’t she hold it in when we don’t take her out for a few hours?
As I’m typing this, I’m starting to think I just don’t like dogs. They’re dirty and disgusting. She literally chews my bfs underwear and socks until they rip. Not to mention that she rolls herself around filth outside (google: “why dogs roll around grass”).
I grew up with dogs when I was younger and I LOVED them. But I think that changed when we started to only have cats in the house (they’re WAY less needy and just as sweet).
My bf doesn’t know how I feel about her because it would hurt him. He loves her too much, probably because he doesn’t take care of her like I do.
I think I just had to rant. If anyone has advise for me please comment. Thanks for reading my rant!
The fact that you haven't addressed this to him shows your strength. I'm sure you've been alil passive aggressive about it bc how else can buried emotions flow, yet you are trying and that's great.
To you, the dog is intruding on a life that would otherwise be pretty damn ok. Except, life is weird and doesn't pan out the way our time traveling brains assess. You all are family and you know this. In family sometimes you take on roles n problems you weren't prepared for. Our parents didn't enlighten us enough and or our heads were so far up our own sewage we don't always see the grand picture.
Your grand is that you have to be consistent. Your not leaving the dogs not and your nice enough to take care of your bf in unspoken emotional ways.
Do your job. Set a quiet alarm and take out ur dog. Train her that bed time on the bed is only after cleaning time n or certain times in the day. Take urslef out to get your nails done. Ask your bf to order sumthg as a surprise for you...
I say ths since relationships r about giving and taking. Ur doing ur job making sure the homes chill he's working as well. Do ur responsibilities and reward urself within the budget as a self knowing that life isn't all hard work. Reward urslef as u look up youtube clips to keep training and rewarding the cutest dirty dog you own..
Wow, I thought that just ranting would help, but your response helped so much more than I expected. Many many thanks for your advice :-D (A)
Someone who has two jobs, so many hours working so he or she can't care for a dog shouldn't have a dog. Period. Of course the dog shits on the carpet, it's been allowed to think the house/apartment is a toilet. It won't in it's crate because it sleeps there, but it's cruel to just leave the animal in a crate until it's convenient for you.
You "forget" to take her out?!? The first time a dog shit on my carpet, I'd remember. Really. I had to do this with a cat, BTW. When my husband died, and then my Mom, housekeeping went to h-ll and the litter boxes did, too. I went on anti-depressants and did what I had to do to get the cat re-housetrained. It wasn't easy - it meant limiting the rooms she was allowed in (without punishing her or shutting her away from us) cleaning multiple litter boxes multiple times a day. Honest: it was the first thing I did in the morning, first thing I did when I got home from work, last thing I did before I went to bed, and every time I went to the toilet, I checked her boxes, because, heck I was going to wash my hands anyway. ***AND*** then there was cleaning/neutralizing the urine where she had marked the house, and then coating those floors with two (2) coats of oil-based primer to seal them.
What was he doing taking on a kitten when he couldn't care for the pet he already had? I wouldn't be with a guy who took such poor care of his animals. If you want to stay, fine. (I know, I know... you looove him) But how he takes care of his dog - or doesn't - tells you something about him. But if you're going to stay, consider the dog 100% your responsibility to feed, clean, clean up after, and walk.
If your bf is a renter, expect some extra fees for cleaning when you move out. The carpet need to be removed and destroyed, the pad underneath, too, and whatever's underneath THAT has to be sealed to get rid of the odor. The dog keeps going there because he can smell that's where his 'bathroom' is. Plus he's been taught the whole house IS his bathroom.
BTW, if bf is working two jobs so you can stay home and be a housewife - take care of the dog.
OLDMAINER - if I had to do all that for my cat I would probably hate it too. That’s too much for a pet. I would rather have a kid! And no, I’m definitely not becoming a housewife to take care of a DOG lol
Ultimately, I think it comes down to a relationship problem because it really upsets me how he leaves all the responsibility to me, which has likely led to me resenting the dog. I do my part with taking care of her and he needs to do his part too.
But...he's not doing it, and you can't *make* him.
I get it, it's not your dog. It certainly sounds depressing and gross. But you can't force/badger/cajole/nag him into doing it. You. Just. Can't. You've tried. How's that working? It isn't. He doesn't want to, and the fact is, you can't *make* him. You're determined to stay, and live in the dog's bathroom, and complain that it's gross. Go ahead. As I said, I wouldn't have a relationship with a man who didn't care for his pet properly, but I guess you have different standards.
Bottom line: your bf doesn't have a problem living in shit. YOU do.
You have a relationship problem if you don't understand "division of labor." You were silent on the subject of you having a job, so I'm guessing you only object to being called a housewife. So be it, you're not a housewife. But if your bf takes on 100% of the task to bring in money, than you can take on 100% of some other task or tasks.
I'm widowed, plus I lived alone for some years before being married, so I know what it's like to be responsible 100% for the money, and 100% of the housekeeping. When I was married, I took 100% of the responsibility for the pets - but in 25 years, I hardly ever mowed the lawn, checked the air in the tires of my car, replaced a broken window, installed a light fixture - I could go on and on. We did both work, too, but Late Husband did some tasks 100%, and I did 100% of others.
1) Your bf was happy to let his dog shit in the home before you arrived. You won't change him. People don't change just because someone who loves them desires it (ask anyone who goes to Al-anon how much control s/he has over a partner's drinking.)
2) It's a division of labor. Insisting on 50% effort from him - on anything - is petty. You do have a relationship problem if you're 'keeping score' and insisting on taking turns. And he does, too. it's not about each person giving 50%, it's about each person giving 100%.