I love my mom and her communication makes me feel ignored…
Hi All. I hate being so cliche and it’s also partially why I didn’t own my feelings about this, as well as legitimately love my mom.
Long story short — I’ve had an interesting dynamic with my family where I was loved unconditionally, no intentional harm and also have felt disconnected due to being “the emotional one”. What’s “funny” is both my parents are more like me in that respect than my sisters and there’s also a strength in knowing I’m doing the work, in efforts to break the cycle.
After being outright angry and a little mean for a few years after I realized I had anger at age 30 (coinciding with having panic attacks after years of “just depression” and having developed a heavy drinking habit), I’ve come to the understanding “they did the best they could with what they had.” I also have been working on my own “lack of tool box”, having way more compassion towards the perceived deficits.
The one thing I continue to have trouble with is… my mom’s very long text messages, speaking at me. They are always filled with information about her day, with closing the text, leaving no space for me to share. And when I do share — she shuts me down, again not in a ill meaning way as much as, it’s where she’s at emotionally.
I’ve intellectually understood this about her, for my whole life. It’s become more mirror like because I have the same tendency. I’ve also grown and… it really triggers & hurts me. One of my biggest wounds is feeling heartbroken by the wall after having a load of mom intruding upon me.
Knowing I’m an enneagram 5 has helped a ton in regards. The feeling of both being intruded upon and ignored. I’d be more okay with this, if it wasn’t a daily thing.
I’ve had a convo with her a couple times in the past and she’s said she gets it. It would be shorter texts, with forced “how are you?”s. But then it goes back to walls of text with no room for me.
My answer to this is “heart emoji” her texts, so she knows I saw them and I don’t trigger myself further by responding. At the same time, I feel repeatedly shit on & ignored, and that I’m enabling this/bypassing my emotions daily.
Anyone relate and/or have advice on how to protect myself while still being in my mom’s emotional life?
Good idea about using the heart emoji - nice detachment strategy.
Now the real issue .... you aren’t getting “yours” I.e. quality attention from mom.
Is your mother always been like this? Do you suppose that she is a narcissist and really can’t pay any attention to anyone other than herself? Those kinds of people need to dump on other people and guess what - you are that other “people person.”
I don’t know what to tell you except that try to get your needs met in some other way. I was able to form relationships with several other older women when I finally accepted that my own mother would never be able to pay quality attention to me. I never knew to do that for myself until I was in my 50s. Don’t wait that long to get your “mama needs” filled.
Acknowledge your own needs and go where you must to get them filled because your mother is never going to be able to give that to you.
Pity her for missing out.
Thank you so much for your response, as well as your candor in sharing your own story. Your feedback makes a lot of sense.
I am at the point in life where I’m learning to “mother myself” more as I recognized just how disconnected from my own nurture was, as well as holding this anger in against myself along with the way I’d been treated.
It’s been super helpful in getting validation from other women who have had their own struggles and think I will confide in them more to get tips on how to navigate. It’s so easy to get on the track of thinking I’m the only person struggling with this and again, appreciate your taking the time to respond.
I hatevto say ot but u tried the break through routine. You sound incredibly evolved and have worked and looked inwardly big time. Even still a detachment scheme seems to be best. Your emotional energy no longer has to be zip tied to ppl who aren't looking to meet it half way, yet only deplete it as their own personal way of avoidance. Man thats toxic, looking to avoid the obvious so as to not deal. Robotic even.
Look toward your career ur growth(beautiful by the way) your pets if any your friends spouse, travel, catering to your thoughts and needs and the needs of others that are looking to help elevate and validate you bc of who you are and the realizations that your special and may need to share those feelings. We all love to feel good n ppl that recognize that caring understanding are to be catered to since they see the need to help energize others.
Their ur family. Love is there. But even love has levels...
Thank you, Letstalk121. ❤️💫