I don’t know what to do?
I don’t know how to start off or even where to start. To state things simply, I believe I have severe depression, but I refuse to tell anyone. I like to believe I’m a good person, but whenever I do something nice for someone, it feels like they attack me or despise me afterwards. Most nights I feel like giving up and not waking in the morning, and I stay up until 3-4 AM. I sit at my desk chair for hours (longest being 6 hrs) and contemplate everything. I’ve had major suicidal thoughts as well, and It feels like I have no friends and my family hates me.
I understand deep down that this isn’t right and I should get help, but when I was younger, there was one instance that scarred me and pushed me away from ever considering getting help.
My mom had already put me to bed, and I yelled for her about 10 minutes later. I told her that I was struggling in school and that I figured out that I have depression. Her exact words were “You’re just sad, you’ll get over it.” I kid you not, I felt like I’d been betrayed by my family.
Another major scar in my life was that I was sexually harassed in primary school. I was playing tag with 2 of my friends, and I couldn’t see them. They snuck up behind me and both slapped my butt. It made me feel insecure, and from it I gained haphephobia, or the fear of being touched.
I know this all sounds real cliche and all, but I really don’t know what to do. This page is my last resort for getting help. What should I do, who should I tell, and how should I do about this?
I've wrestled with depression for probably 40 years, off and on. Tell your doctor (you don't have to tell your friends, they aren't experts) so that some counseling and maybe medication can be implemented for you. Be aware that other people are struggling, too. It's just not something people talk about a lot. I'm on medication for depression, been on it for years. A few people know, not a lot, because my health concerns are something I feel should be private. For instance, no one at work knows. None of their business.
If people feel like they need to attack or resent you, maybe it felt like 'interfering' to them. Wait for people to *ask* to help. Some people don't like feeling indebted. It's nice you have empathy and want to help, just be more selective and wait for a request. Really, I know how this feels: I remember watching my colleagues set up a window display - I heard what they planned, I saw what they were doing, and I knew for certain the display would be unstable and fall over. I said nothing: I had my own work to do, no one asked me to help. WHEN the instability became obvious, THEN I offered help. Otherwise, I'd be categorized as a 'Negative Nancy,' or a know-it-all buttinski (like I had the first 40 years of my life.)
I'm sorry one stupid incident with your peers affected you so profoundly. I'm sure they didn't intend for the result to be so severe- that's the kind of horseplay kids engage in all the time. Many wouldn't even call it harassment unless it continued after you asked them to stop. You doctor can steer you toward a mental health professional to help you deal with the trauma it caused.
Thanks for sharing, NightMare'sPain. The first thing we will address and the most important are your suicidal thoughts. Promise us that if you ever have a plan and the means to complete suicide that you will contact with one of three people before you act on your thoughts. Your intense thoughts will subside after talking with someone about your reasons to stay alive. During these times, also stay away from alcohol or drugs as they may intensify the desire. These individuals or organizations need to know they may be contacted by you during these "dark" moments and need to make themselves available 24/7. One of the contacts can be the Suicide hot line at 1-800-273-TALK or 8255. Promise?
Now with that being said, understand clinical depression may only be managed with medication. This is something only a physician can prescribe. Please connect with your doctor. It will remain confidential if you choose.
Your mother's response to you when you were younger is not unusual as depression is normally diagnosed at older ages. Please understand and forgive her as more often than not, our sadness as kids is situational and not clinical.
Finally, I will not underestimate the trauma you felt when patted on the butt when you were younger, but this too, sounds non-threatening because it was not reoccurring. This is another reason to connect with your physician and he can diagnose and recommend treatment, if necessary.
We wish you the best and will want to know how you are doing in the future.