Was this a toxic friendship?
My (former) best friend abruptly ended our decades long friendship after I invited her to my wedding. She never congratulated me. I had a feeling something was wrong but I didn’t want to assume so I waited for her response.
Weeks later she sent a long message that blindsided me (there was a lot more said that is not on this list):
- she was no longer going to talk to me
- she couldn’t congratulate me on my marriage because she never felt like my partner wanted to be her friend (mind you that my partner has never said anything of the sort. She also has a partner of her own who I am not friends with but I still supported their relationship)
- Made insulting/incorrect assumptions about my character while saying she was coming from a place of empathy. That she values being a good person whereas I do not (I haven’t done anything that would imply that)
I’ve been trying to make sense of her response to reflect on what aspects I needed to change about myself. I’ve looked back on our friendship and have come to realize that she may have never liked me or wanted me to be successful. As adults I thought we were mutually supportive of each other’s accomplishments and am disappointed to find out otherwise.
Aspects of her personality that likely affected our friendship:
- She was envious and would always compare herself to others. Complained about not being about to keep a job and would compare our income
- Throughout college she would police what I could discuss with her mother in terms of academics. I wasn’t allowed to discuss my major with her mother even for useful career advice (her mom is an engineer & my parents aren’t familiar with the college system).
- Stated she has anger issues. I didn’t realize how bad it was until she mentioned that she throws items near her partner during arguments
- She also recently cultivated a friendship with my sibling who I have cut ties with for being physically/emotionally abusive towards me.
Not toxic, no. That you were working at crossed purposes: certainly. You just didn't have the same expectations. It's not as if she intentionally deceived you or used you.
Inviting people you aren't especially close with to your wedding is puzzling, considering the cost. I guess some might do that to brag about how big their weddings were. That doesn't make them toxic. It makes them shallow, maybe.
I would say that it is best to move on. If that person is not willing to support you or your wedding no matter the issues at play than I think that is shallow as Oldmainer described. I think that if people are not willing to work out the issues or problems in there friendships and or relationships or do NOT want too, then what else is there to do. I would give it time too. I think she will eventually speak to you again when she is ready and maybe even apologize for her actions as well.
I wish you the best of luck!
Sounds like your friend's feelings are more important to her than is y'all's friendship. This doesn't necessarily make her toxic, but you're probably better off without her, at least for now. Especially if she's close with your estranged sibling AND she doesn't approve of your marriage. You may never know her true reasoning but it looks like you've brainstormed some definite possibilities informing her actions.