Social anxiety and school
Background info for context on my mental state
Tw; bullying, Molestation, Suicidal thoughts
My name is Dylon and I need really bad help. I have been trying to see if I have social anxiety because I have very bad symptoms of SAD. I have been bullied since 2nd grade and was sometimes treated with disdain in my household. I would tell my mom about my bullying and she would just say things like "If they hit you hit them back" type things, but I was always shy as a kid.
She would sometimes just ignore me also. I would ask her to send me to therapy because I was going through really bad fits of depression and things of the sort. I also experienced racism when I was a kid and homophobia from my mom when I was younger. Around 6-13.
When I turned about 12 she would always call me gay, the lesbian slur (idk if its reclaimed but I'm going to call it a slur), the c word, and tell me that liking masculine women wasn't normal. She would always compare me to our cousins and give my clothes away to my younger girl cousin. She would always say things like "Why can't you be like her." and "I wish she was my daughter." I was fatshamed by my cousins for most of my life and at school also.
I got repeatedly molested by an older guy when I was in 1st grade. When I finally told my mom she told my older brother to beat him up. I'm sure the cab driver saw it. I then got molested by my older brother when I was in 4th grade. My mom just pushed it under the rug and made me go to school.
I would always ask if I could be homeschooled but she would say she was busy and it would cost too much money. I once asked if I could go to counseling but she said it would make me sexually hyperactive. I knew things were wrong with me but she would always put it off. I started skipping school because the thought of going would make me cry and hyperventilate.
I included all of this because I just want to show how it's been and why I may be the way I am. I was also very active and outgoing as a kid. It stopped when the 5th grader starting doing things to me and I became more reserved and shy.
Fast forward to 8th grade. I got kicked out of school because I skipped for 23 days and my mom always talks about me and calls me a dropout. She won't stop talking about it even though it was 2 years ago. I liked going to online school when Covid stopped schools and everything. I was doing good. I have been asking my mom for months to send me to online school again because I am scared to death of going to highschool. She said that I had 2 years to prepare for highschool and that I wouldn't have had to prepare if I hadn't dropped out of school. I didn't even drop out. They kicked me out.
I don't get along with my family because it's dysfunctional as hell and she cried when I came out (of the closet). I'm just glad she didn't kick me out. She's been accepting of me but she's still very transphobic and can't accept me being genderfluid.
I have been begging her and begging her but she won't let me go to online school. I've been trying to get her to understand how I feel when I go out in public but she just won't listen. She keeps avoiding the topic when I bring it up and she's ignoring my messages even though I know she gets them. School is in 1 more day and I've been breaking down so much lately.
I don't have any problems making friends online but when it comes to irl it's so hard. Painfully hard.
What should I do? Should I keep asking? I've been thinking of just ending it because my life has kicked me so many times and when I contacted the prevention hotline the lady just told me to force myself to cope.
Thank you so much.
I have emailed my counselor like you advised. I may also call the school just in case.
I told her about my counselor in the email also. And I shall find help outside of my family. :-D (A)