Forgiveness or Weakness
Today is day 5 without my partner by my side. I miss him, but I don't want to hurt anymore, and my 12 year old daughter is so over him. It also hurts because I feel like I'm torturing him. He wants to come home and be with his "family" (He's staying at an hotel right now), but there's so much tension still, everyone thinks it's best for us to just let it go, because this is the third time he has hurt me to the core. The second nervous breakdown and I am 6 months pregnant. A part of me wants to try and work things out because he wants to improve our relationship, and he's a really good father and provider, but I'm afraid that it will be a waste of time and the cycle will continue. I'm also self conscious about appearing weak in the eyes of my daughter and my family if I do let him come back. He did suggest couples therapy, but I don't want to move forward in our relationship unless I know it's stable and not toxic. He wants to rush in like nothing has happened. It's tough! I'm so, so torn!
My daughter witnessed me having a mental breakdown when I came home Sunday and realized my partner removed all of his day to day stuff out of the house. Thankfully, my brother was there to somewhat calm me down. He did end up reaching out to family and everyone was here for support. My mom even drove from out of state to make sure I was okay.
My partner claimed he did it as a joke to teach me a lesson, because he thought I left out in the middle of the night stress driving (He feels like it's not safe, and I know it bothers him, so I decided not to go even though I was really really anxious that night). Instead, I stayed downstairs and watched TV with my daughter... I never knew it was bothering him.. He never ever brought that to my attention. I tried to text/call him all weekend (I was out of town spending time with family), but he ignored most of my messages.
I texted him about me falling earlier that day (I am 6 months pregnant and I got dizzy and lost balance), and he asked me if I was okay and then told me he would check on me the next day and that he would start focusing on his happiness, like he wasn't coming home (Sometimes he doesn't when he gets really upset, and it bothers me, but I try to accept it.)
He said he didn't know I was going to react like that and he wanted to be heard. He thought I was going to text or call and he was going to explain everything, but when I called no answer. I felt like he really did abandon us again after I've put so much trust in us, and some of my family members felt like he had true intentions of leaving, because of his history.
His reactions during/after this whole situation is scary too. He's been checking on me everyday since everything has happened. Sometimes he's very apologetic and wants to work everything out. He hasn't missed any prenatal appointments for our baby, (he asked if he can attend the one I have later on today). He's even told me to let him know if I need help with groceries or anything, but then the next moment, he feels like I have no hope and wants to throw everything away when I express how I feel, but that's not the case. He just gets so so angry and starts saying cold things about my family and me. He feels like we're ungrateful and now he feels used.
We've been together off and on for two years. He's broken up with me before last year, because he was under so much stress dealing with his other children from other relationships. When I finally agreed to take him back, he promised not to ever leave us again. For the most part he is very sweet, giving, loving, and goes above and beyond, but when we disagree or feels like things are not going his way, he gets so angry and I'm no help, because I'm hot headed too.
I try and take into account that he lost his best friend about a month ago, and for the most part, he tries to do any and everything for my family which is more stress.
He also gave up his place about 3 months ago, because I preferred him being home with me since we seen a future together, and he was here with me most of the time. He gave up everything. His bed and his furniture, everything for me, and now he's sleeping in a cold hotel room begging to come home to me. I don't know what to do.