Smoking and relationship
Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 3 years. We moved in together about 7 months ago. When we first got together she was a smoker. It didn't bother me too much despite never being a smoker myself. Without any influence from me she has made several attempts to quit but failed. Since we have moved in I've found that I'm struggling to deal with the smoking. I know it's selfish but it's making me consider leaving her,which is bizarre because I couldn't ask for anyone better.
It's possibly worth adding that I do suffer depression, and am on medication for this, sometimes the smoking alone has been a direct reason for my low mood as well.
Has anyone had similar experiences. I know how selfish or even controlling it all sounds, I'm not oblivious to that. It's also worth adding that financially we're sound even when she's smoking, so there's no impact on us that way.
My late husband promised many times to quit. "When we get married...when we buy a house...when the house is finished...when work isn't so stressful"
Dating a smoker isn't like living with one. The home smells like smoke, your clothes smell like smoke, your hair smells like smoke. Not wanting that isn't selfish or controlling, it's just a preference. At one point I was altering clothes in my own home to make extra money. Had to stop when the customers complained of their clothing smelling like smoke from being in my house for a week. Marry if you want, just understand that this is the person she is, and everything in your life will smell like an ashtray.
Husband died of lung cancer, BTW.
I've told her but it's a difficult conversation to have. She becomes defensive.
I'm sorry to hear about your late husband. Her health is another concern of mine. She has Crohn's disease and has recently had surgery due to this. It's scientifically proven that smoking makes Crohn's disease much worse. I think this is what's got me most. She promised before surgery that she'd had her last cigarette, but came out smoking one. Maybe it's the constant broken promises that make it worse.
To her credit she does smoke outside. But you can still smell it on her.
She wants to have a baby at some point. I'm not ready to commit to that while she's smoking.
Maybe you're asking the wrong question.
My thought is: If she doesn't love me enough to stop, or doesn't care about herself enough to stop.....why am I still with her?
OFFICIAL MODERATOR BIZ
Hi every single poster or so-far lurker on here,
This is a half-baked thread (sorry). We have only heard the case for the Prosecution via the Plaintiff and his Counsel. And ONLY A GLIMPSE, AT THAT.
Are there any habitual smokers among you who would now like to submit a case for the Defence, i.e. describe for the benefit of THIS COUPLE, THIS RELATIONSHIP, rather than whom we approve of most, how this union will increasingly have begun to look and feel from his partner's point of view?... including taking into account the enormity (for a smoker) of what she HAS done (as demonstrates love), not just what she hasn't?
Or, better yet, any non-smoking posters who GENUINELY don't mind being around smokers and can focus instead on the core issue rather than surface symptom, i.e. trying to change her (in two half-shunts) and whether he has a right to (could be?). I mean, this IS the actual feedback he asked for, is it not?
...Or, indeed, whether he even NEEDS to, when, actually, there are plenty of other practical solutions out there that DON'T demand yet more sacrifice and sufference on her part as could build justifiable resentment (as is death to relationships). Considerate, experienced smokers among you would know what all the harmless measures are - because they'll have implemented them, themselves (many a time).
Until then, MMMPIES has not received proper, balanced feedback with which to reach a Verdict (or Mediation) in terms of a Win-Win for him and his girlfriend.
Thanks in advance, and - since smoking - EVIDENTLY - IS such an emotive topic these days ("b-std smokers, string 'em up!" ROFL), I´ll be here to ensure everyone plays nice. ;-) So go for it, whomever you are, feel free. :-)
(MMMPIES, just to reassure you - I'll be your fallback if no-one else posts reasonably soon, no worries.)
I was a smoker for a while, and used to hang out with smokers. While I still don't mind hanging out with smokers, and have dated them when I was single and I didn't smoke. I would not marry one, unless they quit. My advice still stands even after my experiences.
Back to Poster Biz
"I was a smoker for a while, and used to hang out with smokers. While I still don't mind hanging out with smokers, and have dated them when I was single and I didn't smoke. I would not marry one, unless they quit. My advice still stands even after my experiences."
Ok - aure. YOU wouldn't marry one. You'd have to dump them. But you're not MMPIES.
MMPIES asked for a SOLUTION to get AROUND the fact he definitely does NOT want to dump her, nor not marry and have a baby with her (therefore, presumbly, nor cease cohabiting). At the same time, nor does he want to lose any more of his, obviously treasured integrity by against-rights, moving the verbally-contractual goalposts ANOTHER 50%. And he definitely won't want to stop cuddling and snogging with her, etc. (Plus he's depressed, the last thing he needs on his already overloaded plate is the giant disruption of moving house while running a grieving marathon, think about it.)
Giant thumbs-up to him, I say! A young man with integrity and sensitivity wants 5-Star service? He deserves it, surely?
So that's your personal opinion, noted. Now how's about your suggestions re. workable solutions? Why don't you start surfing or thinking of some? Coming from you and your stance, it'd be all the more impressive, think about it! The self-esteem boost to you AND he whose bacon you helped or single-handedly saved, would be palpable.
What say you, Gunga Din?
PS: you'll all kick yourselves.
"Deal breakers when I was dating was: smoker and already married. So I can’t imagine struggling with this issue in a long- term relationship."
Who said you'd have to struggle at all?
"It’s a problem for the poster and is affecting his health and the relationship."
And especially their snogging (LOL, it's all in there, you just have to read it properly!)
"We haven’t heard from the other side."
"But like I said, I’ve never met a smoker who didn’t regret ever starting that habit."
Soulmate, you are seeming rather argumentative for a moderator. Possible that this post hits too close to home for you?
Also if you re-read the post, you'll see that he doesn't ask for a way around it. He asks what people think, and if they have any similar experiences. He also notes that her smoking is sometimes solely responsible for his depression.
If she can't quit, it would be healthier for him and his future children to seperate.
The people who found the title compelling are answering.
The OP actually DID say s/he didn't want to commit to having children when the partner was still smoking. Maybe I should have pulled my punches and said this:
This is who she is, today. She's not obligated to change because of your preferences. However, think long and hard about this. Because she isn't obligated to change, you have a choice to commit to her forever, or to choose a different path for yourself. It's a preference. Preferences aren't right or wrong, but if you two want different things, perhaps you won't ride off into the sunset together. You are as entitled to live the way you want as she is.
The idea that all things can be compromised is naïve.
Op knew his gf smoked when they met, moved in with her and 3 years on, it’s a problem, but is that really fair on her? It sounds like she has other good qualities as op said he couldn’t ask for better.
I appreciate it sounds like she probably should give up for her health reasons but I think with smoking people will give up when they are ready.
Non smoker btw and never tried. bf used to smoke but gave up a while ago with no pressure from me. If it was ever going to be a deal breaker for me, I probably wouldn’t have started started dating him.
Hypno I have heard works well.
Hi again, peeps.
"Soulmate, you are seeming rather argumentative for a moderator."
No I´m not.
(ROFL - sorry, couldn't resist!)
I agree, I am. Well - counter-argumentative, anyway. It's part of my job to keep things fair and balanced so that the OP (and any lurkers) - particularly those that are in a delicate way - won't go away basically empty-handed, feeling even more helpless than before. Last time I looked, trichologists tend NOT to chop off a person's whole head just because they have a chronic scalp condition that prior trichos couldn't cure.
This is an issue that requires suggestion and solutions, which is why I called for considerate, veteran smokers to proffer some of the clever measures available nowadays. It would seem they're rather thin on the ground, though.
There is more than one way of asking. MMMPIES did ask for a solution and one that avoided giving her the chop - it was indicated repeatedly in between the lines.
FYI, I re-read multiple times, from multiple angles under all relevant lights, which is how I see the hidden clues and messages, even the subconscious. I also role play - read from inside the OP's shoes and then the protagonist's - and then the relationship's (and all who sail in it, and the sea it sails on and the earth it sits on and so on.) Only then do I post. Or interview them to get more data. Also - me, I say and do the right thing, even if I have to suffer personally in the process...so don't moan to me when you're not the one who has to live with the sillybicz! (ha ha)
(I do have great legs, but that was never the basis for my appointment here, LOL.)
This forum is different, and, therefore, so is its Shop Floor Moderator. You wouldn't know that (which is why I'm explaining myself to you), given that your first year on here has coincided with my posting sabbatical (bar Lily's thread occasionally) due to selling-up and emigrating. So - fairenoughski, I suppose, and we can consider that part put to rest.
As for my being an experienced smoker ("Num-Num, lovely cigs!") and thereby presumed to be automatically biased or prejudiced: (1) I'd have thought the evidence of my being sympathetic towards the OP as well as his GF, put paid to that suspicion. After all, were I biased towards GF (and rude with it) I could just have easily said something along the lines of - Yeah, dump her - and do her a favour, you unrealistic, impulsive eejit. But he is not an idiot, he's just not a smoker so couldn't have known what to expect nor what all his options are. The pair of them are obviously quite young, still, or new to cohabiting.
And (2) I was also once a non-smoker, and have a superb memory - especially of long car journeys, spent mainly puking on verges every 20 minutes. (...Actually - twice, second time as an adult.) Which is how I have always managed to have close, non-smoking friends who are quite happy to hang out with me, and I, them, no matter how confined the space (Win/Win), and also managed a two-decade union with an ardent Non-smoker, which resulted in a very healthy child.
Really, dead-seriously now: smoking or not is not the issue here. SOME PEOPLE who happen to smoke - or eat meat, etc., whatever - are canny, resourceful, solutions-orientated and (/hence) highly considerate of other people's feelings, health and welfare.
SOME OTHER PEOPLE who happen to smoke/whatever, on the other hand, are/behave by whatever degree, thoughtless or downright selfish and over-entitled.
According to the only evidence we have: She's not. He's not. But now this sweet couple are stuck between a rock and hard place - UNLESS we put our backs into it and come up with pragmatic and material solutions. MMMPIES' live-in partner is clearly not a veteran smoker or else she'd have thought of some solutions beyond freezing her bits off.
*****BUT HERE'S THE RUB: Tobacco tar (and the chemicals in filter-tips) can be bad for Crohns Disease. BUT NICOTINE IS GOOD FOR IT - CONSIDERABLY! (Go Google if anyone doesn't believe me.) So there we go - there's a huge pointer towards one of the optimum solutions!******
Suggested new mantra for everyone/anyone: HUMAN PROBLEM = HUMAN SOLUTION (- where the problem is man-made, there is always a man-made solution, including, by implication - where there's a will, there's a way).
And that, AKA, is why I have a problem with this, now-seconded sentiment of yours and others' - the extremity of belief...the therefore defeatist attitude, which makes for a somewhat dismissive group response: "If she can't quit, it would be healthier for him and his future children to seperate."
Oh, would it? Great physique but the mind meanwhile struggling under the weight of post-trauma - yes? You call that healthier? Have you never had to ditch someone you deeply loved before? It’s tantamount to walking off a cliff – when you’re not even suicidal!
It doesn't work that way, I'm afraid. Either the mind becomes unhealthy and weakened first and the body follows suit or the other way around. Because the mind and body are 'Siamese Twins'.
Back to my original point: Splitting-up is unnecessary, and in reality, not an healthy option FOR THIS PARTICULAR POSTER (nor his GF, by the sounds of it).
This group Lump Or Dump broken-record, is needless over-kill with potentially harmful consequences. Please help fix the situation, either by finding a solution or refraining from debating until afterwards. That's all. TO All.
"The OP actually DID say s/he didn't want to commit to having children when the partner was still smoking. "
Something activates when women fall pregnant (in smoker husbands too). Or when their ovaries start nagging and re-writing feelings and outlook. Even Anoretics (considered by psychiatrists to be the ultimate control-freaks) are known to suddenly start frantically eating (healthily) and making a speedy recovery when told they're with-child.
Clearly, the GF hasn't hit that "ovarian-mutineering" point yet and, therefore, having babies or not, is merely conceptual right now. So let's not put the cart before the horse (especially since, logically, not as much snogging leading to the bedroom will be taking place, thanks to the fact she undoubtedly tastes like a rotten ashtray).
"This is who she is, today."
Yes. And who she's been since the first few dates then their initial verbal contract, featuring this term - in this case, explicitly.
...in which case:
"She's not obligated to change because of your preferences."
True! She can only do so if she, likewise, doesn't want to lose her otherwise perfect partner or harm their so-far harmony, despite what was initially agreed - AND if she is still capable of putting it into effect. Smoking outdoors, despite attempts to stop have so far failed, says yes to both.
"The idea that all things can be compromised is naïve."
This one can.
Again, it's this widely recurring, lump-her-or-dump-her attitude that's naive and gets my goat.
But anyway, thank-you for posting, and for pointing out one of the Rights in play here. I appreciate it.
Can you now come up with any measures or solutions?
Re everything you said up to the proffered solution:
Couldn't argue with a thing.
Re your potential solution:
Yup - Hypnotherapy.
There we go. NOW we're cooking on gas!
Well done - thank-you.
Although (and you wouldn't know this, being a Non), there is a far easier, speedier one up my sleeve.
Actually, on second thoughts, my solution PLUS your solution (depends on whether they can afford it - remember NHS waiting lists are getting overly Andrex-y?, and Private ain't cheap, especially after the financial effects of Covid) would probably be the ideal for BOTH short- long-term benefit. A Double Pincer effect.
Cheers again (and I'll see you back on your thread in a bit.)
So here are the do-able, poster alternatives to dumping, so far:
1. Hypnotherapy (Lily31).
....looking very lonely all on its own.
I'm going to give this one more day and then I'll post my own ideas and tried-and-testeds.
Excuse my tardiness.
First-off, in case you missed it up there, I'll repeat from where by whatever degree her addiction looks likely to mainly hail - probably instinctively (which makes it a case of clever self-medicating...she must be very in tune with her body):
*****BUT HERE'S THE RUB: Tobacco tar (and the chemicals in filter-tips) can be bad for Crohns Disease. BUT NICOTINE IS GOOD FOR IT - CONSIDERABLY!******
So here, starting with Lily's, are all the stopping / coping / sociability-protecting measures I know of, including Lily's, which are either to help her find another nicotine vehicle or to stop , be it via baby steps or - who knows? - in one fell swoop (albeit weaning-off is always less shocking and disrupting for your mind and system):
2. Vape Pens. I use these when in company, indoors. You can buy them in shops and on the net, and they can contain varying strengths of nicotine as well a plethora of incredibly impressively-realistic flavours. I have a Strawberries & Cream one (with nicotine), bought for me in the UK, and another of a different brand bought in Spain, which is plain Strawberry. The former's my favourite, it tastes and smells like really classy ice-cream or alcohol-free cocktail...not cloying at all, ...gorgeous smell. Produces copious vapour ("smoke"). The latter is more like real strawberry fruit juice.
My breath...hair...clothes...house.... all smell gorgeous. And friends are actually ASKING me to smoke in their cars and houses, and then sit there, going, "Mmmm...". It really makes me laugh.
3. Rolling tobacco. Still my preferred method, and far less harmful, especially to the planet if used with biodegradable filters. Also far cheaper, nicer-tasting and smelling than packet cigs. AND they go out very easily and quickly but - UNLIKE packet cigs - can be re-lit without any change for the worse in taste. So this is a way to save money also. That's what I smoke because I can't STAND the disgusting taste and stench of commercially-made filter tipped cigs (including when you come down in the morning to a sitting-room smelling like burnt, stale Weetabix!). Again, available online and real tobacco shops.
But for the last couple of decades, I've gone one better: From the same online shop, I also order inexpensive, little (pump-action) spray-bottles of tobacco flavouring (Vanilla or Spearmint are my faves, but again, a plethora of flavours available), and also flavoured papers.
A number of people, on walking into my house, have been known to sniff the air and remark favourably on my, according to them, musky vanilla reed-diffuser oil, asking what it's called and where I bought it, LOL.
...Speaking of which - a measure for the wardrobe: Anti-Tobacco (i.e. neutralising) Reed Diffusers (various). PS: our wardrobe contents wcan also soak up our Morning Breath (which starts soon after you fall asleep).
5. GF can buy her perfume in spray bottles and give herself a little misting before coming back indoors. Or Oust / Febreeze et al? Or she can peel and eat an orange (LOL, all those that ever bunked-off school will remember that oldie-but-goodie, along with grass rubbed beetween the palms and dabbed onto hair and jumper while sucking an Extra Strong Mint).
6. Buy flavoured vapes containing NO nicotine and meanwhile start wearing nicotine patches.
7. A smoker friend told me recently that you can get some very decent pack-cigarettes made from varieties of flower petals. (In the past, these tasted like smoking a bonfire, but he assures me they've come on leaps and bounds recently.) But I'm unsure as to whether they contain nicotine so, probably best paired with patches too.
8. Meanwhile, make yourself healthier in every other way possible - diet, exercise (particularly fun sports, during which you forget your cigs exist), including getting the house showroom-clean and keeping it there (you'd be surprised what a mental lift it gives you), healthy sleep pattern, minimal or no alcohol, meditative bubble baths, having enough fun to offset the stressy, miserable times...
Ideally, although 'a little of what you fancy does you good' is true, if you're going to go heavy on it you should only ever have one vice.
My vote is the vape pen and - if she actually does wish she could stop - hynotherapy.
50p, please :-)
Hope that helps, MMMPIES - or anyone in his same situation, and if I can think of any more I'll follow up. But anyone can contribute from here.
Tsk... forgot to sign off:
"Thee on-ly smo-ker en thuh vill-ege"
DUH! Forgot to mention:
9. HEPA-filter Air Purifiers - these days they're both more affordable and virtually silent, can be little desktop ones, and have fancy features, like timers.
Alternatively - you do know you can use the vacuum-cleaner hose to hoover thus filter the air in the room? (That was a great Golden Oldie quick-fix for when the parents came home too early, LOL. That, and us teens all sat stuffing our faces with oranges right as they walked in.)
...Teenagers doing housework and eating fruit at 11-o-clock at night. LOL - teenagers...yeah, RIGHT!........ "Nothing to see here, folks, we just felt like it!". LOL
And another tip is, not to inhale deeply and, to 'make up for it', exhale the smoke more slowly.
Plus, to exhale a second or third time before taking another drag (tantamount to resting your knife and fork either side of the plate while chewing).
I do both of those AND let half the smoke float out of my mouth before inhalette-ing.
Try alternating between live and non-live cigs, i.e. puffing on the ciggie without lighting it, for a good minute. If it's a mainly physical habit, you may find that works to help you half your daily intake in one go.
Tried and tested. Works fairly well. Better than no cig.
Another thought, MMMPIES - it could feel "a bit much" if she were expected to buy these things for herself, to try, when they're for your joint benefit. So my vote is YOU buy all the sample packs, AND, if you're feeling VERY fair, whatever portion of their monthly cost.
You could giftwrap the samples if you wanted?. That would go some way to apologising for having leapt before you'd looked (properly) and ended up having had to move the sacred goalposts.
NOT as an Xmas or birthday pressie, though, please (yikes!), or you might be back, saying it backfired and she dumped you or went to her mum's for a few days. (It's tantamount to when a bloke buys his partner/wife a vacuum-cleaner for Christmas.)