Hall pass insanity
My wife and I have been married for 25+ years. Two beautiful girls in college. Empty nesters. Our sex life has picked up considerably and we seem to be more in love than ever. My wife is going on a business trip in a week. Three nights in New Orleans.Last night she asked me if I'd consider giving her a Hall Pass for the trip.I am stunned, angry, humiliated, and depressed. What can I say. I have never had any reason to not trust her but now I feel like if I say "no" she might just take it anyway. She has professed her love profusely and swears that she only wants to try a little variety but I am so scared and turned off to her now. I want to tell her to go and have sex with whoever she wants forever.
There's a point!
"Last night she asked me if I'd consider giving her a Hall Pass for the trip.I am stunned, angry, humiliated, and depressed. What can I say. "
You poor man.
I'll BET you are!!
I might say MANY things... like - 'Thanks for that out-of-the-Blue, relationship nuclear bomb. My answer is, NO YOU CAN NOT, AND IF YOU DO, I SHALL TAKE THAT AS A SIGN YOU WISH THIS MARRIAGE TO BE OVER - and PS, the truth always outs. Why would you expect to hear anything different? What on earth gave you the impression that you could even ASK such a shockingly inappropriate, downright destructive question without it wrecking my trust to such a dangerous degree?'.
Or I'd say, 'That doesn't even make sense because even if you DON'T go and cheat on me, considering the fact there's no way I could stop you nor prove it either way - now I'm going to suspect you DID! Talk about hoisting yourself by your own petard!? So is this your warped way of asking for a Divorce - or urgent marital counselling?'.
Or, 'This is a democracy. You get to cheat, I get to cheat. You sure you wanna go there?'
(Although, actually, I wouldn't. This goss too far for sass-under-fire.)
It's a REALLY cruel blow, DONOVAN. It's not just mistreatment, it comes right into the realm of Abusive. I kid you not.
I mean, if you ARE a nasty enough person to without-warning cut your long-alleged loved-one's heart into pieces like that - why would you WARN them? You could just do it behind their back and keep it a secret! So what's her game here?
Seriously - were it me - bizarre and disturbing bombshell ripe for analysis or not - I could not take another step under that soul-destroying, Sword of Damocles conditions. But I know that's way easier said than done when - a memo like that was the LAST thing you ever expected from your wife and mother of your children! On that score, she's way ahead of you...who KNOWS by how much? Course she is - she wrote it! Your brain, on the other hand, needs time to catch up, so that you can function on a more level playing-field.
It`s either a threat or a deliberate shocker to pull you up sharp or hold all the power by making you highly anxious and insecure from now on, too scared to ´set her off, IN CASE'. I fail to see what else it could achieve, given that the size of your reaction goes a long way in proving the very concept were out-of-bounds.
So to me, it feels like acute Priming, as in, in one fell swoop....Prime-Bombing....a declaration of war. And what about Jerry Springer - has she called him and his filmcrew yet, to come shoot it, as well? I mean, that's about the size of it, Class-wise, isn'`t it?
If not, can you think of anything that you might have said or done in all innocence that someone "not quite themselves" in her position, could have taken the wrong way, and taken huge offence? (Be assured that NOTHING you might have done or not done deserves THIS!)
But anyway, for now, my best suggestion is to do nothing until you calm down enough to see straighter. Again, considering any sane, mature persson would expect such a "question" to do nothing BUT shock the bejeezus out of you - I suspect shocking you was her intention (we lose serious iQ points in that Fight, Freeze, Flight state, which can render you a less intimidating 'contender'). But don't feel you have to meantime be your usual, affectionate self - what she's done is deplorable. Just be untalkative i.e. try to engage, but dignified and calm until you know how you wish to respond or proceed. The key move here is to exude an air of "Ugh!", not "Whyyyy are you beeeing so meeean to mmeeeeee, mew-meww?". I.e. never give bullies the reaction they're after. Hard, but not impossible.
Seriously, I'm appalled at such monstrous, violent behaviour. That's the sort of cruelty I'd only normally expect from an outright Sociopath. OR someone who, putting it politely, wasn't at all themselves due to too much stress for too long? (...and, truthfully, had always been a bit of an a-hole to begin with.)
It might even be her emotionally unintelligent way of saying, please stop me (particularly if a Maligant Narcissist has her in his clutches and under his spell? (- oh, that's A Thing, alright).
Whatever, whichever. Since you don't know what you're dealing with yet, just deal with what's there to see: This disgusting, technically, DEALBREAKER of a move. As, presumably, NOT Forrestina Gump - this grown adult woman knew like anyone else on the planet that it could ONLY hurt and damage,....downright devastate. So one would have to be a very special type of stupid to effectively commit marital suicide like that by-mistake.
At the very least I'd insist on (1) some space, followed by (2) emergency marital counselling...as soon as she returns.
...Heh. Let's see her get it up NOW! (Insert Simpsons-style HAH-hah!) (And PS: Counter-Manipulation freebie bonus now warranted as it's in self-defense.)
Tell us - has she ever been nasty to you before, even just jokingly or anything, or is this sudden plunging of a knife into your heart REALLY completely uncharacteristic of her, completely removed from her normal self?
(Answer only when you feel up to it.)
PS: "She has professed her love profusely and swears that she only wants to try a little variety"
Oh - only! O....NLY! - is it?
I do so hope you had the presence of mind to tell her to cut the crap!....that 'as a woman who professes to love me profusely you aren't half doing an AMAZING impression of someone who hates my guts!?'
The simple act of asking, has put your marriage in danger.
This needs to be explained to her, along with the fact that if she does cheat....she is gone and all of her family and children will be told why.
Most likely she is hitting her sexual peak, as women hit theirs later than men, and she is reacting poorly to it. That is still no excuse though, as many people don't cheat.
I almost can't get past the concept of comparing an extra-marital liaison with walking the halls of high school, but I'll try.
This is absurd. To me, even asking to compare the two signals some kind of arrested development.
Y'all are full-on adults. Why, oh why would someone try to paint herself as a child? Oh wait, because a child isn't held to the same standard as an adult.
(I imagine lengthy talks are in progress at the mo.)
Okay, Donovan, understandably, you'll have too much on your plate at the moment so I'll just paste in your update from your other thread for you...
Last week I created an entry under the above title. I explained that my wife of 25+ years wad headed to New Orleans for a three day business trip and she had very casually said she wanted a "Hall Pass" while away.
Needless to say, I was floored and as the days passed, rather frigidly I might say, my wife realized I was not a happy guy and she became very attentive and over loving. Not that she isn't that way normally, but it was clear that she was concerned about where my head was at.
Well to make a long story short, we had no sex last week or on the weekend and last night she asked me point blank whether I had made any decision on her request for the Hall Pass. I got angry and stupid. I literally told her that if this was so important to her, that she was a grown woman and that the decision was totally hers to make. I left the house an drove around for hours, ignoring all calls on my cell.I got in at 3am, slept on the couch and left before she got up this morning to go to the airport. I have had no communication with her today.Maybe I'm being a jerk about this but I am totally devastated at this point.I absolutely do not know what to expect from her when she gets back.
Oh dear, has nobody commented yet?
Ok, I´ll go first...
1. 'Frigidly' is perfect rightful and appropriate in this situation. And, FYI, this is where The Silent Treatment is BEFITTING (it's inappropriateness and misuse that makes the natural a narcissistic move).
2. Same goes for 'angry and stupid' - although I beg to differ. What you ultimated was the only sane, self-respecting course of action. Bear in mind, there are plenty of men who'd have told her to move out by now.
3. You're not being anything like a jerk. From what I've seen, you're a gentleman.
I don't, however, fancy yours much.
The best thing is not to expect nor plan. YOU...haven't done anything wrong. Why should YOU have to say or do a thing? Give her the floor, see what she continues to do or refrains from doing.
Of course you're devastated. You're the normal, healthy one. You work right. (Hint-hint!)
THAT - SHE - is the definition of a jerk. (...and the rest.)
What's the latest?
And I have a question:
Looking back - under this new light: did you see any little flashes of this 'new' character or this a completely new one on you?
And what is your very worst suspicion regarding what's really going on, here?
(tsk - should have read: or IS this a completely new one on you?)
Correct - do NOT have sex with her.
We do not reward people for bad behaviour.
I repeat: We do not reward people for bad behaviour.
Also, if she asks to know your thoughts, just tell her you're reviewing the situation and haven't finished making your mind up yet. This is YOUR agenda and schedule now. Whether this (er) marriage continues, under whatever new format/rules, is entirely up to you.
She made it that way.
(...And we certainly don't snuggle up to our emotional rapist!)