I am growing increasingly infatuated with my boyfriends best friend
I am growing increasingly infatuated with my boyfriends best friend (let’s call him Alex) and I don’t know what do!
I don’t know if it’s a crush or if I’m just lusting after him, all I know is, it’s becoming way too much. I’m beginning to think about him all the time, especially before bed!
I am finding myself spending hours concocting far fetched fantasies about him.
My boyfriend let’s call him Tristan, is amazing we’ve been together for 3 years and I don’t ever want to leave him, he makes me happy, he treats me well, cares for me, he is funny, he is amazing in bed, and attentive to my needs. I am still super attracted to him and far from bored. I suffer from ill mental health and he is always there to pick up the pieces, and believe me, there’s always a lot! As far as our relationship is concerned, everything is going well. I cannot imagine life without him, and I know this possibly sounds silly and cheesy and perhaps somewhat naive as we are 22/23 and very young, but I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
He is still a student and only has a part time job whilst I have a fully fledged career as a PA for two directors. I earn a pretty decent wage and enjoy the finer things in life whilst he can’t always afford that, I often pay for half of most of everything, that is the only strain on our relationship, however we are both in our early 20s and still have time to grow and he is dedicated to said growth, he works hard on achieving his qualifications and spends his time either working or studying, so the money aspect isn’t a huge deal, I don’t want to base our love on material things.
I am concerned, maybe there’s something I am just not seeing.
I don’t understand why I am so attracted to his best friend, Tristan doesn’t treat me bad, I’m not bored or unfulfilled and he makes me happy, yet all I want to do is tear his best friends clothes off!
The worst thing is, I don’t have Alex’s number, I don’t have him on social media and we spend NO time together alone. I only see him in group settings when I hangout with my boyfriends friendship group and or family, it’s usually every other weekend. Other than that I have no interaction with him, so I can’t even keep my distance because we are already at a distance and even when I do see him, I try to avoid being in close distance, touching distance or completely alone with him.
I have no interest in pursuing anything with this man, I just can’t figure out if there’s something wrong in my relationship, or if I have some deep, unseated feelings for him or if this is a normal reaction to spending time with an attractive member of the opposite sex.
I honestly cannot tell if he feels the same, usually I can tell right away, men can be so obvious, when they want you. There’s no flirting or mutual signs of attraction either, in fact I feel like he goes out of his way, to also keep his distance. He is always very chivalrous and respectful, always offers me a seat or in a way “looks after” me, but he avoids looking directly at me, and he also avoids trying to be alone with me. I’ve noticed if I have to walk past him and it’s a tight squeeze, he’ll actively look down/away so as to avoid, staring at any of my assets. This is what I’ve noticed anyway.
Me and my boyfriend essentially live together so when Alex, comes round, I am usually always there. I can’t stop hanging out at my own boyfriends house and there’s only so many plans I can make to avoid him.
I have tried to not think about him but I can’t control my feelings and have done everything in my power to ensure nothing will happen between us, I know for a fact I love my boyfriend yet I just can’t help but want to sleep with Alex. I don’t even want anything more, no feelings are attached but lust.
Does this make me a bad person?
Is there a way to not feel this?
Am I going about it the wrong way?
I have so many questions, my main being. What on EARTH DO I DO?!
I’ve read a few articles and spoke to a few people, many people are either, shaming me for feelings beyond my control or are telling me to be honest with the both of them (which if I am not going to act on these feelings seems, the worst possible choice)
Another thing people have said is, I’m so young, only 23 and I have my whole life ahead of me, so why settle down now, I’ve even read one of the main things that break up couples later on is sexual curiosity, and that I should follow my urges. However, I have played the field. I’ve dated many guys and slept with quite a few, of all ages, races and backgrounds. At 21 when I met Tristan, he became the first guy I ever called my boyfriend. I have, believe me, followed many urges, I lived my “best life”.
So I guess, I just don’t understand why I have these feelings, why they are so intense and how to get rid of them.
I guess I never looked at it like that, obviously they like the same things and share the same interests as you said! However they are so different from each other, total opposites at times!
I also want to understand the why of it all. Can one truly love someone when they are lusting after someone else so!?
Furthermore, is it normal to be so engulfed with the thought of another!
Hi Lam lam,
No I don’t think this makes you a bad person. People who have judged/shamed you on this, maybe they are not the right people to confine in. And yeah I agree, telling both bf and Alex how you feel, that is really bad advice and the worst possible choice! Can you imagine the out come ?
From what you put you don’t want to act on this -good. you know have a good relationship with your bf, that you don’t want to ruin, and there is no evidence that something is wrong. It sounds like you just want to understand this so you can change your thinking.
The fantasising about Alex isn’t helpful (might feel nice at the time) and I think it’s down to controlling that to make you feel better about this situation. By fantasising it will bring up uncomfortable feelings, like guilt, worry, anxiety and doubt that will make you question your relationship. Just because you think it doesn’t mean it’s true.
Distraction when you start to think about him, catching your self when start to fantasise, self talk, reminding your self what you have with your boyfriend. Write it down. Talk on here about it, on this thread. And I agree with the advice above don’t beat yourself up about it, that just brings up more negative feelings. There are probably lots of people in the same situation who fancy their bf or gfs friends.
It doesn’t sound easy, it might take a while to reset your thinking, you might need someone to help you, but theses feelings will eventually (hopefully) subside.
Well, you can try negative reinforcement. Put a rubber band around your wrist, not a tight one, but one that won't fall off easily. Every time you think about the other guy, snap the rubber band against your wrist. No one has to know why you're doing it, or you can just say you're trying to change a bad habit.
The why of it all may never come to you. People get attracted to others, it's a given. It may not be the last time it happens. Accept that it may happen, you know you're not going to act on it, sounds like he's clear (not giving you mixed signals or flirting.) You're human.
No, people don't often break up over sexual curiosity. They break up most often over money. So long as you and the bf are talking over the big issues (Money, religion if applicable, whether you both want children or not) it's all good. You haven't mentioned any of these things, I'm hoping there have been discussions along those lines.
Hi LAM LAM,
Here's my two-penneth-worth:
"I don’t know if it’s a crush or if I’m just lusting after him,"
"spending hours concocting far fetched fantasies about him"
"[I’m beginning to think about him all the time,] especially before bed!"
"I am growing increasingly infatuated"
WHICH DEVELOPS INTO
"[I’m not bored or unfulfilled and he makes me happy, yet] all I want to do is tear his best friends clothes off!"
ALL MOSTLY BASED ON
"I’m so young, only 23"
Raging ovaries, then. Equalling high libido.
And THEN you finished your post with answering your own question, anyway:
"I don’t even want anything more, no feelings are attached but lust. "
You may WANT, CONSCIOUSLY, to marry and settle down (and sprog) early, but your inner animal runs the Romance Programme dept (caveman/woman wiring and processor, still) and IT is NOT ready. It knows that you (its Gene Vehicle) need extra time in which to age and experience/experiment more so that your decision over, or choice of, PERMANENT mate, will be a more informed, considered, truly adult-consensual one... so that it'll last a lifetime (for the forevermore sake of the kids as well as old-age security).
Have you heard Adele's latest and paid attention to its lyrics?...the bit that goes, 'I was still a 'child', I didn't get the chance to feel the world around me, had no time to choose what I chose to do...' Have a listen:
...So, what with your high (but normal for your age) libido, it's merged two of its agendas...created a BOGOF - buy one, get one free - whereby it gets to ensure your healthy libido remains preserved/encouraged at High (ready to go as soon as safe to), whilst you get to have more time (including doing your Mummy2b prep-work). (Clever, isn't it?) It's fixated you on to this TEMPLATE ("Alex") for creating the perfect, fantasy man, this Poster Boy, this DELAY TACTIC of a distraction, at the same time introducing a tiny bit of distance between you and "Tristan" (- space to quote/unquote, feel the world around you, more).
In fact, aside from avoiding being alone with you (which says NOPE, NEVER), the reason Alex lowered and turned his head when you squeezed past COULD ALSO be because at that close range he's got really bad breath!...YOU DON'T KNOW, DO YOU!...albeit, the avoiding your eyes bit will be him showing his determined loyalty towards his best friend while discouraging any connecting (because, he'll have noticed you looking at and studying him, felt the vibes, and will suspect what it means and what a threat it is TO HIM, TOO (losing his bestie); plus he'd probably not even LIKE you any more if you hurt his bro. Things probably feel mightily awkward for him already.
Trust me, after your having built a whole personality for this fantasy bloke - and bonded with HIM, NOT Alex - if you ever DID experience anything for-real with real Alex, I would bet you any money you liked, that you'd end up so incredibly disappointed and disillusioned - AND, of course, your fantasy version would go down the plughole along with him and lovely Tristan. So you'd lose EVERYTHING.
No WAY could Alex live up to your fantasy bloke! Not even the basics! Self-created personas NEVER live up to, well, the personality they're not.
But you sense all of this so - you wouldn't do anything, anyway.
Basically, in a nutshell, that is WHY the bloke on which you've been 'forced' to base your 'self-created, female-friendly, soft porn, cine material' (including the romantic scenes), is LITERALLY impossible to get - on TWO counts (1. he wouldn't - that is crystal clear, and 2. losing Tristan). SO, THAT, IN FACT, MAKES ALEX-the-template SAFE and preserves your fantasy model as ensures your reproductive system stays that enthusiastic and well-oiled, ready for When.
You admit Alex is similar (on the surface and uppermost layers) to Tristan. So there we go: Like Tristan but to superman proportions PLUS Stranger 'Danger' intrigue and excitement... He's more unknown, mysterious thus - even on that basis - more alluring than T today. Plus, your inner animal might think it's a good and helpful thing towards your eventual choice/decision because - and I suspect with fairly serial dating, you didn't have time (nor any need) to experiment alone with your bits - when you do settle down, you'll know what you like in the romance and sex dept, even more. And that's important because you`re such a libidinous, sensual young lady (great genes that CANNOT WAIT for the day they get to mix with an equally A1 bloke's own, and replicate into an especially A1 bubbie).
You're basically taking time-out to date yourself, get to know yourself better.
*****You can't cheat on Tristran with YOURSELF, now, can you!*****
Bless, LOL, but it's an easy oversight to make. (You can exhale now, LOL.)
Say nothing. No point, no reason to, needless trouble for nothing would result. You just have an highly private, free-of-charge, self-directed, female porn collecton, starring a bloke that looks like real-life Alex AND REMINDS YOU OF YOUR IDEAL (who's yet to finish blooming) - TRISTAN! (Are you an artist?)
Do you miss yours and Tristan's Honeymoon stage? How long DID the Honeymoon Period last? And - how many frogs (or monsters) did you have to kiss before you found T?
Also - could you possibly (if you've been through too many little traumas or one big one?) have a tiny touch of bipolar or just ever-changing hormonal moods, still? Master Bation (lol, just in case any kiddies have wandered on) is a superb treatment for that. In which case it would be instinctual, natural self-medicating and self-care on your part, as well as said greater self-familiarising.
There is ANOTHER factor in play here (because these things are never usually one thing, rather, a whole cocktail of programme agendas), and its very common, especially among career-wives with house-husbands:
GIVEN that our behavioural and role-based expectations are still based on that ancient wiring (regardless of any modern day, contrived social practises and 'isms') and, thereby, on simple, black & white fundaments: the fertile-female's mating programme doesn't LIKE it when she feels like The Provider of the relationship (he Jane - me Tarzan??...cannot compute, cannot compute!). You're supposed to be The Catch and then The Nurturer, meaning, the bloke can be as otherwise perfect for you as possible but if he's not yet able to show-off his provider skills (whereby today's kill is money), then, those over-proud and over-eager genes of yours can make you start to go slowly off the bloke.
Put simply, the male birdie hasn't finished doing his mating dance in front of you, as includes building an impressive nest and bringing interesting, pretty, shiny objects, so you, the (more mature and ready) lady birdie, as a slave to her programme, does what it urges and starts looking around at other male birdies in the immediate vicinity (- she has no concept of reasons, excuses, extenuating circumstances).
You're just not designed to be the male provider. You end up feeling drip-drip emasculated. (FYI, while I'm at it - neither is a bloke wired to find a woman chasing or throwing herself (his romantic prey) at him, sexy... it turns most red-blooded males off (without them knowing why) bevause their caveman wiring says HE da hunter...woman's gotta get his attention and lust and then start running (playing hard-to-get) because that's what triggers his reflexive urge to chase after her AND TAKE ALL THE CREDIT FOR CATCHING HER.)
When that changes, i.e. Tristan's life circumstances stop this female emasculation situation and effect, things will quieten down considerably on the confusion and self-distractions front for you.
PS: How does Tristan feel about his having to depend on you for financial support? Does he mind it?