First time taking iniciative
I am on the mind set of breaking up with my boyfriend of 2yrs but I'm struggling to come up with the idea of how to do it. The many factors are because
1. we live together
2. i don't hate him in fact i love him very much
3.Due to health issues, he has been relying on me, which is not a problem for me at all.
I don't wish him any harm. I just simply lost all trust in him over the span of time with things in our relationship. He has not physically cheated on me however he has acted in a way that makes me constantly question if he is loyal. Now I'm not saying he is going out of his way into a persons dm's and is trying to initiate something with someone. I have snooped in his phone many times and only felt like he doesn't like me as much as i like him. We are speaking so many sweet nothings about each other and talking about a future together but how are you telling me these things while at the same time you're looking at other girls? Just because you aren't talking to them doesn't mean that I have all of your attention. I don't care for porn in the general sense but if its , lets say, our friends only fans, or someone he knows doing content like that or showing off their body in a inviting way to others is grabbing his attention it bothers me greatly. It has happened twice already and I don't doubt a 3rd time. I feel like he is being defensive when it comes to his phone as well which is pretty much sealing the deal for me. He does not treat me wrong and has been very good to me. Lets say I didnt have my doubts or concerns or if i never snooped: we would have a great relationship. I feel like i never should of been so nosy cause now I only feel guilt now. His friends hated his ex, and from what I know of her I don't like her either. she treated him wrong. So them putting me on a pedestal because of how good i treat their friend makes me feel pressured and uncomfortable.
We are going to break up. That is a given its just that I don't know how to bring it up. I got invited to his family's thanksgiving meeting and they took a liking to me. I'm not sure how to go about this. I don't have close relations with my family at all and all my close friends don't live in my city anymore. I'm fine with keeping to myself and we have had that break up talk before. I have confidence that we can talk about it but I fear that if I hurt him then he would be on a route to suicide. His health condition has been a questionable thing a little over our whole relationship and with covid being a thing, Him finding medical help has been hard. Imagine having breathing and eating issues that makes living difficult. Having random panic attacks cause you cant breath either once or twice a month or once every few months but still having all the issues. it drains a person out especially if they have had depression before in their life.
Now I understand that I shouldn't hide my feelings from him and the sooner i tell him the better but i don't feel like the timing is great and i can only help but wonder when is it a good time?
Back about 2 weeks ago my mind set was this : break up but he's looking for a new job/ Gotta encourage him to go to a doctors appointment/ gotta do this gotta do that
now: He got the job (Great!)
New appointment is on Monday (OK but its not the end of his issue)
I have told our roommate (who is both of our friend for about a decade) That i plan on ending things and if my boyfriend is uncomfortable then I will leave and not live there. I don't have a home to return to so my plan is to just sleep in a car or home and use my friends shower till I save and just have a roof over my head.
However as time goes on I think that I wont have to voluntarily leave and I could stay there
But my biggest fear is that by leaving him he would reject my hand in helping him. I hold no hate towards him so the fact that he would deny me and hurt himself breaks my heart. I have come from an abusive relationship and I took therapy. Now if he chooses to end his life that I can say I will not stop him , I will help him but I refuse to let someone hold their life against my choices just for them to be happy to be a thing. Now I know what I said That i fear that is what may happen but if it does then it does. Its a matter that I need to have the courage to do but I just don't know how to do it. This is my first technical break up as an adult. Kid relationships in high school never got this far. This is my 2nd real relationship (first being w. the abuser who i technically ran away from and blocked and haven't spoken a word with since)
Its also not just the trust issues that I have, its also that I don't feel like a priority to him. Like I'm here he will do his best for me but my best for him outweighs his best for me in my opinion. I don't know if that makes me shallow or something or I'm expecting too much but I'm trying to understand what is OK to expect out of another person, like when its OK and when its not OK. When I shouldn't just let things slide and don't have expectations. I haven't been to therapy in a while because I learned one thing : I suffered a lot from chest pangs, like random panic attacks and chest pain and tightening. I figured out it was due to stress. This stresses me out, My family stresses me out. I cut my family off and the pain has reduced. Now i believe if i break up with him the pain will stop as well. this doesn't mean i wouldn't be there for him. It doesn't mean I will not stop caring, It just means that I am not his girlfriend now will I be the mother of his future children.
I have tried looking on the internet for an opinion and the best I got was to basically make it seem like I,myself, Have issues that need to be worked on therefore I cant be in a relationship with him which sounds crazy to me cause it was his actions that made me feel a type of way but I understand the concept to make the issue lighter cause I don't want to fight but I know its not going to end well. Maybe Im just crazy and I'm overthinking a lot of things. I don't know this is my first time doing this