I've been thinking about divorce
I've been thinking about divorce a lot recently. I love my husband. We've been married for almost 9 years, together for 13, and friends for nearly 20. I'm 33 and he's 39. He's gorgeous, funny, and intelligent. We have an amazing daughter and he loves her unconditionally.
The problem is he's changed. He's become lazy, but I think that's likely just a symptom of whatever he's dealing with. He barely helps around the house anymore but he's always saying we need to do this or that and I called him out on it, in that "we" apparently just means me now, and I have to do everything. Like usual he just says "whatever" or "that's BS" whenever I try to talk to him about the things I want him to work on or stop doing. He says whatever problems I bring up are in my head, I'm exaggerating or making things up to gaslighting him. I don't know if he really thinks this or if it's just an easy excuse.
I am worried about his mental health. But asking him to see a Dr is another argument. I would be responsible for everything, making the appointment, dealing with insurance, and all but drag him through the doors and I know he wouldn't actually talk about anything, it would just be a waste of time. He literally told me that if I want him to go I have to arrange everything because "he can't" He pretends he's incompetent to get get out of everything now a days. He somehow lost all his executive function over the last few years. I highly doubt it's real.
I do roughly 80%of everything; the shopping, cooking, dishes he kinda helps but uses way too much soap, and does such a crappy job I have to do half of it over again, it feels intentional because we've both been dishwasher in restaurants before so we both know that he knows what's clean and what's not.
I do all the tables, counters, and shelves. I do the cat box, the sweeping and mopping. I clean up after our daughter, who I might add cleans up after herself better than he does. She gets her laundry ready to wash for me and puts it away. She always takes her dishes to the kitchen but forgets to rinse sometimes. He barely ever does these things and it's a terrible example to set. I can't get it all done and it gets messy sometimes and he complains to me like it isn't his fault.
I also do nearly 100% of all the parenting. I keep us all on schedule, make all the appointments, do all the paperwork. I'm the one who supervises and I'm the one she comes to for help. I'm the one who actively teaches her everything and keeps her practicing.
He ignores her most of the time, unless he's criticizing her, and he's incredibly critical. We've fought over parenting before. He was raised by his bio grandparents, who were older than my grandparents and he was humiliated and physically abused.
He thinks it was normal parenting and the only way to properly raise a child. Even though he told me his mom made him want to die, he tried killing himself, his mom locked him and his two bio brothers in a bedroom with a bucket at night because "she couldn't trust them" and he's the only one if her male children who hasn't spent time in prison, not just jail where he's also ended up, but literally every other one of the 5 men she raised went to prison and by their own accounts for legitimate reasons.
Still apparently my method is too weak and I spoil her. I'm damn proud of how our daughter is turning out. Her doctors and teachers agree she's doing great.
He will occasionally call her over to his computer to show her some nonsense on Facebook or a movie trailer. He will very rarely play with her and only ever video games unless we can get him to join us for board games.
He is no help with her school work and she's in eSchool so she requires consistent help and supervision while working. I literally cannot take any time off, even if I'm seriously unwell because nothing will get done, I'll have a huge backlog of undone chores to catch up on, she'll have to make up the work she didn't finish, and they'll end up arguing because she "talk back to him".
He starts drinking around 3-4pm and keeps going till midnight or later. Then he won't get up until 10-11 or even later because at least twice a month he gets so drunk he spends half the night throwing up and whining while I try to sleep. We have an attached bathroom that's right next to the head of our bed. I get him water and eventually have to go sleep on the couch.
We can't afford this. Our finances are another huge issue but I'll get there. So, I do drink as well but not nearly so much, and my vodka is far less expensive than his beer. I don't even buy any mixer, I'll just have water and lime juice with vodka so I can tolerate him. He's really argumentative when he's drinking too but he's always argumentative so it's probably just alcohol lowering his inhibitions and making him chatter. Which would be fine if he wasn't so miserably negative about everything.
He used to talk positively about things he enjoyed, hobbies, media etc, but now he just complains about everything. Every piece of music, every show or movie, every game. It's all terrible now. And he keeps repeating the same things and gets pissed when I tell him he's repeating himself. It's exhausting. I barely speak to him anymore because he'll just rant on and on about whatever I mentioned.
The worst is the way he is mishandling our finances. It's something I can't mitigate the consequences of, it's affecting our daughter and it isn't fair.
I have been domesticated nearly my entire life. My parents divorced and I had to be mom for us kids while mom went back to work. I have a very spotty employment history that's made it hard to get work and I dropped out of college because I couldn't afford it. I graduated highschool with honors and qualified for aid I couldn't figure out how to utilize and I received a merit based scholarship when I was in college. I have some potential.
My husband supported us until shortly after our daughter was born. Then after losing another job we had to rely on my mother, whom we currently live with, for help. We've always managed to pay for our own needs with the exception of rent or utilities. We even pay for the majority of my mom's needs outside of her healthcare. She doesn't have to buy groceries, laundry detergent, dish soap or most other incidentals. I also do the cooking and cleaning for her. The arrangement with mom works and we're happy to continue it. Except we're now drawing very near to going broke and she's aware of this.
He's never been very successful but we've always worked together and made things work. I never expected to live in luxury. He got a CNA license and let it expire. He's never managed to keep a job for 3 years since I've known him but he's been pretty consistently employed. He lost his job again in the middle of 2019 and hasn't gotten back to work. With his attitude I doubt he's ever going to get another job even if he was trying to find one.
I have never had any authority to decide our budget. I don't make the money so even though he pretends to listen and agree he just does what he wants and blows all our money. My name isn't on any bank or credit card accounts. We were on a lease together. We were evicted after he lost a job in 2014 and my mom moved us in with her.
I used to have to do the unemployment paperwork and still have to do our taxes and SNAP paperwork, because he "can't", but I still don't have any real say in our finances. I'm never told I can't buy things we need but the money is just not available so it doesn't matter.
It's now getting to the point where he's fighting about the dishes that are made from my cooking and wants to buy more and more premade food that we can't afford. Or fancy foods like prime rib and shrimp. I am pretty good at stretching our food budget and we do get a variety of nicer foods, like we get shrimp and salmon regularly and I'm a very competent cook.
He wants more and I can't stretch the budget anymore. I stopped buying V8 for our daughter already, stopped buying my seltzer, eventually stopped buying any juice and switched to powder drink mix. I stopped buying our daughter's freeze dried fruits, stopped buying anything that's just for me, and the list goes on.
I'm just so frustrated that we have to scrimp and suffer and sacrifice but he won't and it's just getting worse.
We stopped being intimate almost a year ago and he's obviously bitter about it. I told him I just have no sex drive, which is true but I also have so much resentment towards him it kills any attraction I would have.
He acts like everything is fine and I'm wrong to be so unhappy. I've been trying to fix this for years and I can't keep going. I want out. If I file for divorce and kick him out he will die. I have no doubt in my mind that he will just lay down in a ditch and die, likely drunk if he can manage to.
It will be my fault, I will be responsible for killing my daughter's father and the man I still love. I am so trapped. I can't get out of the house to work until our daughter is back in school physically. I don't know how to drive. I could start out by working at home and try to get my life together but he's still going to be there like an anchor dragging our family down into death. I don't know what to do anymore.
Sounds like a heavy atmosphere. I can't completely relate but I for sure know how it feels to be trapped. This may or may not help but I say do not get a divorce. I personally think that you are worrying heavily on things you have no control over. You can't make him change but then again its not your job to do so. So don't. Focus on you, yes that is hard having to handle majority of tasks but make time to be alone with your thoughts. Read a motivating book, make time to meditate, light exercise, a brisk walk around the corner. Even if its little. Start with 30 minutes a day. If you wake up at 730am set ur clock for 7am and just be still and focus on what makes you feel at peace or what gives you life excitement no matter how far fetch it is, cherish those minutes to yourself.
Take this time to know yourself enough to be the woman you hope to be, then you can slowly work on what you want to be. Easier said than done right? Yet always remember the mind is a powerful thing. You can escape with your mind.
Also remember a good life doesn't mean happy 24/7 it means being able to function and cope without damage. You seem caring and diligent but it also seems like you give more than you should take. Start funneling all that care into oneself, back into your spirit. Money can always make life easier but its not the answer to our problems. Dig deeper, this will take work but so worth it.
Once you become stronger more sound and at peace your cup will fill and will spill over into other parts of your life and it just might quench the dry roots of your marriage.
It's never too late to learn something new, little by little make time to learn something that is free. Learn a new language, gardening, journal and create poetry or a craft. Anything and everything can be marketable. Anyway im just rambling now.
Don't call it quits yet, just make time to work on yourself, not saying that you are the problem, but eliminate the pressure of feeling like you have to fix it all. Die hard loyal love can cause burdens and also alleviate the burden if you channel that same undying love for yourself.