Moving on - bullying
Well today i had the unfortunate experience of bumping into some old bullies who obviously haven't grown up any as they were saying unkind things to me. I felt bad as I never said anything as it just brought back feelings of inadequacy and fear especially since one is from a family who for want of a better word are just nasty a**holes. Her sister is a b*tch and her brother is a woman beater.
I just find it embarrassing and wish i could stand up for myself more or just stop caring what they think. My mind is still in overdrive due to the past few months - dealing with a suicide, stopping drinking (6 months sober btw) and trying to look into ways in dealing with my anxiety.
I feel sometimes that I have done better than them in life (without sounding egotistical!). Got a good career, excelled at university, have a good husband and provide a stable life for my child especially now that I have took alcohol out of the equation. The main ringleader out of them hasn't worked a day in her life and has 8 children to 6 different men.
I just feel others put me down sometimes and have done most my life. It didn't help me having an abusive mother and sister either. Doesn't do a lot for self-esteem!
I have tried anti-depressants, counselling etc but somehow always feel quite shameful of my past that i leave stuff out in therapy...sounds silly i know but recently read that it is a common occurence in therapy for people to do that. I prefer writing feelings down rather than speaking so maybe online therapy may be an option.
But yeah anti-depressants haven't worked but taking beta blockers can help. Need to address my thinking pattern more. Plus, stopping my coping mechanism of having a drink makes it twice as hard but i would never lift a drink over them as they are not worth it. I just can't seem to let go of the past and even at times think about my old neighbour from hell from years ago - didn't help when i saw her husband and don this week too! What a week lol. Makes me think that i am best not going out.
Plus, social media doesn't help as you always seem to come across people more easily and it drags all the memories back up. I just wish i could let go of things and maybe realise there are just some nasty people in the world but it makes me feel like a wimp / soft touch when i try to ignore it and causes me embarrassment. Surely they will just carry on if i try ignoring them or are they just people who try to get a reaction?
Thanks for reading.
I would recommend that you start attending some sort of self defense class. Confidence and assertiveness will come naturally during the process of learning/practicing unarmed combat techniques.
Karate or self defense classes may help, and so would assertive training. Most community centers have these kinds of workshops that can help build self esteem and resilience.
About those people from your past ... keep them in your past. You recognize how toxic they are. Listen to your own gut and avoid them. Protect yourself from these old triggers.
Sounds like you have grown in maturity and recognize that they are losers. Make 2022 a year for your own self!